Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love.

You know when I’m down to my socks it’s time for businessThat’s why they’re called business socksIt’s business, it’s business time

It’s some homeless woman. She looks like she needs money and a good wash.” And I thought I’d already reached the lowest point of my day.

Love, it’s like catching barrels in a fish.

I keep telling myself sensible things, but I never seem to listen!

Clothes are expensive. Save money and become a nudist. Remember: Fashions may change, but naked is always in style.

The spells are made up. I have met people who assure me, very seriously, that they are trying to do them, and I can assure them, just as seriously, that they don’t work.

Buy or borrow self-improvement books, but don’t read them. Stack them around your bedroom and use them as places to rest bowls of cookies.Watch exercise shows on television, but don’t do the exercises. Practice believing...

We were just kids, what did we know about love? I knew I loved her, and she knew she didn’t love me. Turns out we were both wrong.

A lighthearted prayer for Thanksgiving:May you have turkey in seasonCranberries for squeezin’Gravy (within reason)And leftovers worth freezin’!Amenby Merrill Miller of Scottdale, PA

I want to grow a tan and an accent, then dig it out of my garden and staple it to my naked body. I like Salmon Rushdie like a bear would. Especially with a honey...

A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way.

I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.

A bear trap eats, but does not drink. My love, however, drinks, but does not eat.

’Cause Desperado is so much better than Melvin.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, don’t worry others will…!

A brick could be used to dink like a dunk, if the thunk of the think has enough verticalocity to it.

A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging from. Let the homeowner know how much you care.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

Oh… Adrian, I’ve got one more favor to ask you. A big one.” “Fondue?” he asked hopefully.

Feed me, you moron.

Parsley is gharsley.

I would hate to see seventeen people with monosyllabic names like Mike or Ann die, but if they did, and you wrote down all their names in groups of 5-7-5, you’d have one tragic haiku.

She forks up a little nibble and wedges it in her mouth. “Yum,” she croaks.Mrs. Wong looks pleased. “It’s made with tofu.”I can’t resist. “Free-range tofu?”My mother looks over at me sharply. Mrs. Wong takes...

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.

I just yawned. Now that is exciting. Almost as thrilling as making love to me thirty minutes after I’ve fallen asleep.

Jack had wondered how geometers could be so inventive as to produce so many types and families of curves. Later he had come to perceive that of curves there was no end, and the true...

When I asked my da how ye knew which was the right woman, he told me when the time came, I’d have no doubt. And I didn’t. When I woke in the dark under that...

A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll come over and enforce it.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a...

…every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition (“That would be my husband”, was the standard comment).

Spelling bees? Spelling bees do not scare me. I competed in the National Spelling Bee twice, thank you very much. My dad competed in the National Spelling Bee. My aunt competed in the National Spelling...

Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.

A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the construction industry.

I’ll return the compliment by saying you have very nice veins.

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Her mouth contorted, and the wrinkles around her lips were like the dunes of a frosted cupcake. And I just wanted to lick her living word machine (mouth).

Library-denigrators, pay heed: suggesting that the Internet is a viable substitute for libraries is like saying porn could replace your wife.

One cup of coffee is all it takes to conquer the world.

In his opinion, working was vastly overrated. Particularly as a way to build character, for everyone who engaged in it was far too snappish and fussy, and seemed to have no manners at all.

Cery: So, Hem, tell me why I shouldn’t see how many holes I need to make before you start leaking money?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.

(…) my money guy Richard is going without a tie now, like a politician who wants to appeal to the suffering common man (or perhaps every morning his firm takes the ties and shoelaces away...

Personally I think there is no doubt that sub-atomic energy is available all around us, and that one day man will release and control its almost infinite power. We cannot prevent him from doing so...

If a blanket could be used to keep one person warm, then it stands to reason that all the blankets in the world are to blame for global warming, and I think our political leaders,...

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?

Det var tomt i kiosken. Kan en disk satt en tjukk olding av en dame. Far hadde gitt meg en femtilapp. Feriepenger kalte han det. Det blir ikke mye ferie for femti kroner – Dronningen...