Do you know what I want to do? If you guessed have sex, you win a brand new baby!

It’s easy enough to get along with a loved and loving child—at least till you try to get him to do something.

I told you growing starts from the inside first, honey, and in that way, you’ve been growing like wildfire.

A brick could be used to ascertain the truth. And then logically, a non-brick could be used to detect the lie. What kind of things are non-bricks? Well, anything from blankets to lies. So therefore,...

I drink wine like beer, only twice as much less.

I’m past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I’d win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.

We’ve got an unbeatable team.”- Sauron

A baseball club for girls?

I’ll keep my head down,” Mally assured him. “I’ll be careful.””If anything happens—“”If anything happens I’ll tell you immediately.”Ivan seemed pleased at that and relaxed against a tree trunk.”Good. I don’t want your mother chasing...

Norman picked up a sketch, glanced at it, then put it back down on the table. “I saw Bea Williamson this morning,” he said in a low voice. “Lurking about looking for cut glass.” “Oh,...

A brick could be used as a symbol for the kind of life I’m trying to build. The question now is, what kind of life am I trying to build? Well, I guess I want...

I never got to call myself a door-to-door salesman, because, regrettably, I only ever went to one door. But one day I just might knock on another door, to be able to proudly say that...

So much better for you to long for what you can never have, than to get it and have to face the reality of it. I assure you, when you realize the reality of this...

Successfully resisted a honeypot approach by Russian intelligence. One lingering concern: how did the Russians find out I like honey?

When the gain is greater than the pain, I’ll be there, telling you how we can both profit from your productivity. That’s what love is about.

Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert

Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?

I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.

I’ve written for those who want to learn, truly learn, about a community with which they aren’t familiar. Or for those who have preconceptions but can admit they may not be entirely accurate (and, in...

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

The Boss,” because that title belongs to another Bruce.

The cow-shaped cookies have a beef flavoring, the turkey-shaped cookies have a poultry flavoring, and…”Jane held up one of the cookies. “Human-flavored?”Meg stifled a sigh. That would be the first thing on her feedback list:...

I’ll tell you something. Once I was very fond of a poem by Emily Dickinson or somebody. I only remember one line of it, but it goes, ‘The soul selects her own society.’ I used...

You know where I keep the gold coin.” As if on fire, their offspring made a desperate run for their father’s study, climbing over the table and fighting each other through the door. It wasn’t...

I have a keen sense of the oblivious

Emotional states are fairly quick bursts of neuronal gossip. Traits, on the other hand, are more like the neuronal equivalent of committed relationships.

A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an artificial heart could replace the brick.

I told him he needed a faucet and a basin, and I let this information sink in.

Remember where you are and adjust yourself accordingly, not vice-versa … otherwise, you might be toast.

You cannot discover new oceans until you are willing to lose sight of the shore.

Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I’m a leader—a leader of one with followers of none.

Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and… reproduction.

I really can’t think about kissing when I’ve got a rebellion to incite.

I have to put up a wall to put up with him. Not an invisible, metaphoric emotional wall, but a wall made of bricks. Those bricks could be used to keep out his bullshit. Bricks...

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.

Well, fella, as much as I’d like to stick something up your ass, it ain’t gonna be my finger or anything else on my body—sorry to disappoint.

Secret 9791422.1. If it can’t end well, don’t end it.

The hole in my heart matches the key I gave her, and I’d like it back, along with the key to my hope chest.

Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious.

I may be a living legend, but that sure don’t help when I’ve got to change a flat tire.

Whereas story is processed in the mind in a straightforward manner, poetry bypasses rational thought and goes straight to the limbic system and lights it up like a brushfire. It’s the crack cocaine of the...

I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust.

Yesterday I got a credit card application from a major bank with a variable rate of 12.99% to 20.99%. Such a deal. And what if I fall on hard times and lose my job? So,...

I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.

Yes. Your father helped me with that peacemaking thing I do that keeps you happily killing for a living.

The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

His hand snapped shut over the device and then he crossed his arms. Aria stared in horror. Her Smarteye was buried in a Neanderthal’s armpit.

The government wants to be aware of all your movements—probably including your bowel movements. Ain’t that some shit?

But it is best to let sleeping facts lie.

What? You mean this crap shack isn’t part of the Four Seasons. Shocking.