Are you French?’ I asked instead.’Oui!’Foreign. Foreign spy. French Communist Party acted on Stalin’s instructions during part of World War II. French Communist spy.Stop it stop it stop itI turned to Art, a black kid...

moo” into a glass of water, hoping to change the structure of each water molecule into the shape of a cow. I felt like drinking a steak.

[Rayleen talking to Billy.] “Grace is thriving here, and I dare anybody to challenge that. Anybody who has a problem with that can come take it up with me.””Thank God,” Billy said, “because I really...

yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e.

I showed my concern by showing her my penis. Was that not appropriate behavior at a funeral? What better way to display a lifetime of love that’s been zipped away from the eyes of world?

Damas y caballeros. Me temo que lo que voy a decir arruinará su apetito, pero la verdad es siempre bella, y debo declarar que: ¡las empanadas de la Sra. Lovett están hechas nada menos que...

Good days are ahead of me. But so is the worst day of my life—my last day. I need a cup of coffee large enough to take a bath in.

I was naked, except for two shower caps on my feet. Gotta save water somehow.

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient’s friends.

I cannot bear to associate with the ordinary run of people. I have to surround myself with individuals who for the most part are more than a trifle insane

To begin perfect happiness at the respective ages of twenty-six and eighteen, is to do pretty well; and professing myself moreover convinced, that the General’s unjust interference, so far from being really injurious to their...

I care. They bother me. And that’s why I’m stupid. That makes me exponentially more stupid than stupid. I’m stupid to the power of stupid.

The only moral it is possible to draw from this story is that one should never throw the Q letter into a privet bush, but unfortunately there are times when it is unavoidable.

We made love like Mondays on the moon at noon. I was her Neil Armstrong, and she was my midnight.

But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He’s one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!

Uh, wait an hour?

No, Lucius is harmless,’ I fibbed. If you don’t count the fact that he thinks he’s a warrior prince representing a semi-cannibalistic race of undead bat people.

A joke is a very serious thing.

We Do.” My tagline will be: We at We Do do what we do so you don’t have to.

Give to the world the best you have and the best will come back to you.

Cut to the chase.” When I’m exasperated with all the verbal running around and skirting the issue, the last thing I want is more chasing. Let’s cut to the caught.

Who would you rather make love to—me, or the dead carcass of a deer? Don’t deliver a hasty answer. Think it over.

Heads swivel. Whispers erupt. As Kalist returns to his desk, bone cane by his side, he indulges, briefly, in horse practice, neighing lightly as he scrolls through a few mental images of busty secretary, Geiger,...

How do god fit him ass in them jeans when he is, in fact, Everywhere

I had a dream about you. I was a small business owner, and you were also a small business owner. The difference was I was a sole proprietor, and you were a midget.

That’s all women need men for? Sperm, a paycheck, and free flights?

She didn’t say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse “I love you” with “May I take your order?

I wear my job like a robe. I can’t wait to take it off. I vacation like a nudist showers—in the rain, under an umbrella, with five judges watching and awarding style points.

Obelmäker is a deeply fearful person and terribly indecisive. Even when he makes a choice, it’s usually bad.

All of the signs we invented growing up and we never invented one for ‘he’s standing right behind you’?

Why are there so many people out here?’ Boomer asked as we bobbed and weaved roughly forward.’Christmas shopping.’ I explained.’Already? Isn’t it early to returning things?’I really had no sense of how his mind worked.

to pee or not to pee that is the question

Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, ‘I wish I had bought stock in it.’ Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra...

So much for the bimbo alert; if she read books like that, then there was a light on upstairs, above the splendid front porch.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.

Tomorrow I’ll be 24 hours longer than I am today. My love for you grows every minute, and pretty soon it will be 120 seconds tall.

Are you mad?” I ask.”I was.” He glances at the ceiling then back at me. “Or confused, anyway. The whole thing threw me through for a loop. I thought I’d finally met a guy at...

A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me for her, her for her, and her for me.

Nobody wants to leave what they know to go either to the unknown, or to grandmother’s house.

Integrity is a bugger, it really is. Lying can get you into difficulties, but to really wind up in the crappers try telling nothing but the truth.

Oh my God, not only is he older than the Grand Canyon, but he’s like the pope and the Fae King and the president of the United States all rolled up into one. To some...

The reason we talk with the same part of the body we eat with is because if we tried to eat with our ears, and I have tried, then we would naturally have to have...

I was a soccer cheerleader. It doesn’t get nerdier than that. I was fired from the soccer cheerleading squad after one year, which I believe to this day is unprecedented. You have to understand, no...

I started a Thank You Club. You’re welcome.

You have to be fun to ride roller coasters. And you have to be tall. My love for you is both of those things, even though I disguise it as a dwarf.

She’s the sort of woman who lives for others – you can tell the others by their hunted expression.

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he’s not still hungry. If he is, I’ll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream.

Street performances?””A little singing. A little martial arts. Some interpretive dance.””Wow.””I know! The Portuguese have taste.