New Rule: You’re never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don’t look like you’re sensitive, you look like you’re homeless.The last guy to pick...

I bought a house in a depressed neighborhood. The prices weren’t low, but the people were all bummed out.

Power exercised under the cloak of national security is odious. But power exercised under the microkini of national security is totally hot.

I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic...

Awww,” Minho said. “That’s almost as sweet as that time she slammed the end of a spear into your shuck face.

My name is Markowski. I carry a badge. Also a crucifix, some wooden stakes, a big vial of holy water, and a 9mm Beretta loaded with silver bullets.I was never a Boy Scout but “Be...

But one look at Wildcard’s face, and he knew there was trouble. Problem? he signaled.Wildcard responded with an obscene gesture that more than conveyed his opinion that not only was this a problem, but it...

New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they’re friends of the environment. “At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife.” Please–the only thing an oil executive has in common with a...

If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come.

Secret 4.1. Whatever makes a nail go in is a hammer.

You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk.

What if guns shot clouds, rather than bullets? Then they’d not only be peaceful, but they’d be delayed water guns. Is there a Nobel Farm Prize?

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

I’m quite certain that if I lost my sense of humor, it would most definitely need to be replaced by a padded cell.

I don’t think Will Herondale and a sense of responsibility are even on speaking terms

A bartender is a Keeper of Secrets. Drunk, senseless, useless secrets.

Here’s a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on ‘my grandma.’ … It’s her, isn’t it?

I’ll invite you to try my wedding. Free samples until Tuesday!

Why would I ask you that?

Of course, you didn’t want our help. Now I have to go beat up some soldier just to keep my ego intact.

Give up trying to convince people who you are, instead confuse them. It is a lot more fun!

Spontaneity is one of the joys of existence, especially if you prepare for it in advance.

To show the football coach I was ready to play tight end, I wore no pants and had a Q-tip dangling out of my ass.

Her coming alone made me want to Mannequin all over myself, but I managed to contain myself like a microwave dinner. Sometimes love is frozen until you get off your sofa to take action.

He has long hair like a woman,” one of Sigmar’s sons blathered

As chemists, we must rename [our] scheme and insert the symbols Ba, La, Ce in place of Ra, Ac, Th. As nuclear chemists closely associated with physics, we cannot yet convince ourselves to make this...

Leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives.

Kyra.” Fred caught Kyra’s eyes. “I’m not in love with Ariana and I don’t want half the kingdom.””You don’t?”He shook his head. “But I might stick around for a little while longer. There are some...

A rose symbolizes my love for you, because it’s dying.

Not again, Draper,” Frank sighed. “You’re not going to stop us from crossing. You and I know that the one thing the Government does even more poorly than provide healthcare is secure its borders.

Instead of hip hip hooray, how about hip hip replacement? Old age should be celebrated one wobbly step at a time until the top of the stairs topples down onto the topless crowd below.

Perhaps it is a good thing that we don’t live long enough to realize how redundant things seem 🙂

I can chase you, and I can catch you,but there is nothing I can do to make you mine.

…inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

The popular distinction between ‘constructive’ and ‘destructive’ criticism is a sentimentality: the mind too weak to perceive in what respects the bad fails is not strong enough to appreciate in what the good succeeds. To...

I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Federal regulations, we had to release the bones so Ted Kennedy could drive back to...

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.

My phone rang a long time, so I answered. How long? Eight feet long. My last relationship was half that long. I should be taller in love.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Can you squeeze me into an empty page of your diary and psychologically save me?

Bashere shrugged, grinning brhind his grey-streaked moustaches, “When I first slept in a saddle, Muad Cheade was Marshal-General. The man was as mad as a hare in spring thaw. Twice every day he searched his...

Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.

Don’t step on my toes. Especially if I’m walking on my hands.

Le 99%, c’est moi.

When life hands you lemons say,”Lemons? What else have you got?”- bumper sticker

But there is in everything a reasonable division of labour. I have written the book, and nothing on earth would induce me to read it.

When you sleepI will creepInto your thoughtsLike a bad debtThat you can’t payTake the easy wayand give in!

He knew she loved him in that moment. Gabe never wanted to be part of the holy fight, but now he was, he was not about to lose.

Tugs used to think that everyone’s name was in the dictionary, and when she had realized it was only hers, both Tugs and Button, she felt suddenly fond and possessive of it, as if this...

Growing up, I used to use and apple instead of a baseball. It was just more fun to hit, and a healthier and better tasting snack than America’s favorite pastime.