I said that additionally, since I was planning to nurse, it be best if you were off the breast before I came back to work. My boss just looked at me dreamily and said, ‘That...

Alcohol is a crutch, for people with liquid legs. Our first date went swimmingly, like Michael Phelps mining for gold. 1849 just called me, and it wants its Levi’s jeans back. If you help with...

I have to go. I have a finite amount of life left and I don’t want to spend it arguing with you.

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs.

Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards…Honestly, Kell, I’d nearly forgotten how foolhardy you can be.”Foolhardy?” Kelsier asked with a laugh. “that wasn’t foolhardy – that was just a small diversion....

In 1803, President Jefferson oversaw the purchase of this land from the French for $15 million. It doesn’t sound like much for an area three times the size of France itself but given that they’d...

You go Picasso!

He’s as tall as a tree, but he fights like a rose bush. What’s with all the scratching? I should cut him down in the name of romance.

Have faith my friends, because love will find you eventually. It found me, and I was wearing camouflage clothing, face paint, and cologne that smelled like the wilderness.

Come forward as servants of Islam, organize the people economically, socially, educationally and politically and I am sure that you will be a power that will be accepted by everybody.

Reckoner Super Plan for Killing Regalia…Step One: find Regalia, then totally explode her. Lots and Lots.Step Two: put Val on decaf.Step Three: Mizzy gets a cookie.

And poor Mr. Bix!Every morning at six,poor Mr. Bix has his Borfin to fix!It doesn’t seem fair. It just doesn’t seem right,but his Borfin just seems to go shlump every night.It shlumps in a heap,...

I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regrettedmost of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.

To be invisible, paint yourself with the direct shade of 0. Leave nothing to chance, by taking nothing with you wherever you go.

Without the door let sorrow lie,And if for cold it hap to die,We’ll bury ‘t in a Christmas pie,And evermore be merry.

If you make a deal with a fool, don’t be surprised when they act foolishly.

Like vampires and extremely rich people, black folk can sense one another. Use your Spidey Sense (Blacky Sense?). Use your blackdar to inspect the workplace for signs of Other Negroes. They may be working security...

I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.

Earrings are like orgasms. You can never have too many.” ” I never thought about it quite that way.” Well, you’re a man. ” She gave his knee a friendly pat.

A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.

Gas masks could be converted into blowjob machines—and finally put your mom out of business. That’s capitalism. That’s war. That’s love.

When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. “Put your clothes in for a wash,” he said. “They were disgusting.”Ginny always thought that the only way of getting...

There are no miracles on Mondays.

A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.

I wasn’t fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. “There’s nothing to talk about.””I knew you’d say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.'”Dimitri sighed.

Ever since Sincere died, I’ve been meaning to have meaning. Her love was the one thing that made me want to do other things, and without it I’m thingless.

If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I’d use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33 percent would be spent in your celebration. I only offer that statistic so...

Oh, don’t be so dramatic,” I said cheerfully, getting in touch with my inner smartass.

In order to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that child’s parent or grandparent.

When we were almost to the other campus, I felt the weird nausea hit me. I called a warning to Christian, just as a Strigoi grabbed him. But Christian was fast. Flames wreathed the Strigoi’s...

But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were...

I don’t want to talk, either,” that mouth said very seriously. And then he lowered his head and kissed her.

I’m rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn’t really count…

She’d absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn’t own and feel no remorse about it.

I’m to lazy to edit before hitting send.

Lady, I was gonna cut you some slack, ’cause you’re a major mythological figure…but now you’ve just gone nuts!

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It’s a good thing you’re so voluptuous.

I need to go to the grocery store because I’ve got nothing in my fridge but an old t-shirt, a pair of jeans, and a sweater (after all, it does get cold in the fridge).

It’s not reasonable to love people who are only going to die,” she said.Nash thought about that for a moment, stroking Small’s neck with great deliberation, as if the fate of the Dells depended on...

Isn’t it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and...

What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for me.

Your… Your aura. It’s… amazing. It’s shining. I mean, it always shines, but today… Well I’ve never seen anything like it. I didn’t expect that after everything that happened.’I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit...

You used to love me. Let me help jog your memory by buying you some running shoes. The shoes will be wooden, and nailed to the floor.

Man has to eat, so thank God some food tastes good. However, if men had no taste buds, or sense of smell, all food would be good. So hooray! And also boo for boring. That’d...

My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.

Because this is another thing your average American man in crisis does: he tries to go home, forgetting, momentarily, that he is the reason he left home in the first place, that the home is...

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.

I don’t like doing anything that makes you sweat if you don’t come at the end of it.

30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat.

Don’t worry. Chivalry has practically no appeal for me whatsoever. — Neville Fletcher