The ice cube melted slowly like a candle, and I thought about my love for her and how it was like an ice cube candle and that I’ve always wanted to drink fire and make...

Remove God from the world of ideas. Remove government, politics from society. Keep sex, humor, utilities. Let private property go.

Torie doesn’t count. You were obviously her mother in a previous life.

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

I don’t need a hearing aid—I need a listening aid. And this aid, she’d better be pleasing to look at.

Then came the Christmas party. That was December 24th. There were to be drinks, food, music, dancing. I didn’t like parties. I didn’t know how to dance and people frightened me, especially people at parties....

When you have faith in something a lot of other people believe then you a member of the church” said Ceas, “When you have faith in something nobody believes, then you a complete wacko

i realize you cant just throw real gems at ppl…because they think cubic zirconia is the real thing lol

One’s options in this world are as vast as the horizon, which is technically a circle and thus infinitely broad. Yet we must choose each step we take with utmost caution, for the footprints we...

My father looked on in disbelief, overwhelmed that his son had been taught to eat glass and relish it.

Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.

Jack,” said Charles, “he’s making up words again.””Yes,” Jack replied, “but he’s getting better at it, don’t you think?

I’m seven hundred years old, Alexander. I know when something isn’t going to work. You won’t even admit I exist to your parents.” Alec stared at him. “I thought you were three hundred! You’re seven...

What do you think the Order is going to do?” he asks. “Help us open a door to Hell, if we’re lucky,” I reply. Lucky. Ha ha. The irony.

Time and Tide wait for no Man; what about woman ? How Sexist !

On some days, writing is wonderful. On the days when it is wonderful, it feels like you are the God of a universe that the rest of the world is not yet privy to. And...

I went to watch the Buzkasgu game taking place on a series of fields – some fallow, some plowed and planted- just to the east of the empty Buddha niches. Buzkashi is a form of...

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable...

Like all the other arrivals to the tournament, Hank had erected a banner in front. It was a long, tapering pennant with a blue and red circular design in the center and the words GO...

there is a fine line between sarcasm and hostility, you seemed to have crossed it. What’s up?

Most families around town only had a bottle of aspirin in their medicine cabinets. If you had the flu, you took an aspirin. If you had a toothache, you took an aspirin. If you were...

My girlfriend and I are close. She’s like a brother to me. My brother is also dating her. We make love like mannequins and mashed potatoes, despite the fact that I’m single and an only...

The lustful glances thrown his way made me wish he wasn’t such a damned bowl of eye candy.”- Cat re: Bones

How is it that standing outside for a minute in 90 degree heat is torture, yet standing in a blistering hot shower for 20 minutes is paradise?

I’ll make birthday to you like turkey on wheat. Hold the mayonnaise—and hold me tightly. My love candle burns bright for you like a black hole.

I’ll put some ice in your coffee, to cover up the fact that it was already cold and old. I do this because my love for you is slightly warmer and newer.

I suppose that’s one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.

We are naked, but we think we are not; we are wrong, but think we are correct. We are misled but we think we are properly guided. We think we have leaders but in reality...

Oh, this is going to be fun; he actually thinks he’s teaching me something.

She frowned at me. “You need some rest. You look like hell. And you’re obviously tired enough to have gotten the giggles.”Wizards don’t giggle,” I said, hardly able to speak. “This is cackling.

when god did something it become Natural Disaster. when man did the same thing it become TERRORISM! Where is consistency Bitch!

Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for the best tasting Starbucks coffee. Oh, and can I borrow your plunger?

Boomerang arrow, Kate — It comes back to you in the end. Boomerang. Respect it.

I love writing, and the feeling it brings me can’t be described by words. So here are a few grunting noises that capture my mood when I write: ugh, eek, umph, and ahh!

Bite me, faerie fruitcake.

…so that’s why I’m pleased to announce my endorsement of Sarah Palin for President in 2016: because you know that whoever gets elected is going to fuck you over. So why not vote for somebody...

For dessert I ate a desert. It was sandy, and so was the name of the woman I ate dinner with. She had a dry sense of humor, and that is why I wore a...

I don’t like writers whose writing is so obvious that I can predict what he’ll write while I’m still taking in his current thoughts. Why, this means that I know what he knows, and the...

Boys say they don’t mind how you get your hair done. But then they leave you for someone with really great standard girl hair and the next thing you know you’re alone with a masculine...

I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.

Republicans approve of the American farmer, but they are willing to help him go broke. They stand four-square for the American home–but not for housing. They are strong for labor–but they are stronger for restricting...

You need to be more careful, or you could hurt yourself.”Right. Thank you, Mrs. Detweiler. I never would have come to that conclusion by myself. I was planning on incorporating a backflip into my next...

You want a lesson, boy? If you find yourself being born, climb back in as quick as you can, because life’s a bottomless feast of shit.

I am not who I pretend to be, even when I act like myself.

His last name is either Groves or Graves or whatever the hell I wrote, trees or cemetery. We drank coffee like two people who should have been three.

I don’t use a crap camera, I don’t eat junk, and I’m not going to a dance where the boys are bores

My number one fear is heights. Well, not so much the heights but the falling from heights. Actually the falling isn’t that bad (I have a strong heart), it’s the sudden stops that are painful....

Men are from vaginas, and women are from women.

That’s good. And speaking of spelling, tell me — do you wrap your head in a towel after you shower?