In my view, a Cyclops is halfway to being blind. Love sees all. When someone insults me and I go silent, I’m in Helen Keller mode. Listen!

If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?

I didn’t make two mistakes all day yesterday. I just made one long one that lasted 24 hours.

People talk too much. Humans aren’t descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.

You know you’re a mom when you open the door to the dishwasher mid-cycle and think, ‘This is the closest I’m going to get to a spa treatment till next Mother’s Day.'””Joining the words ‘Lose...

Oh, yeah? Me too. Let’s see whose friend gets here first.

It’s awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage?

Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon.

Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me.

Within a science fictional space, memory and regret are, when taken together, the set of necessary and sufficient elements required to produce a time machine.

I suppose you had to,” Wes said when Phin went back to join him at the table.”Pretty much. She seduced me.””Yeah, right,” Wes said. “She said, ‘Please fix the kitchen drain,’ and you interpreted that–“”She...

Nobody seems to understand that in such matters the tact and sympathy should come from the one who is about to die, not the poor bugger who has to take the news.

Statues look like people, but people shouldn’t act like statues—you know, be set in their ways like stone. I make love like a sculptor paints, minus the wine, plus the grape juice. Suck me like...

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Call me sentimental, but there’s no-one in the world that I’d like to see get dysentery more than you

Bertrand Russell declared that, in case he met God, he would say to Him, “Sir, you did not give us enough information.” I would add to that, “All the same, Sir, I’m not persuaded that...

Leo: I’m almost out of gas! Woah, that came out wrong. I meant the burning kind!

Keep driving,” said a soft voice in my ear. “She will not bite if you keep driving.”Fuck that. Fuck that idea like the fucking Captain of the Thai Fuck Team fucking at the fucking Tour...

Gabi to Marcus “I can’t believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!

Going down my list of notable women in my life, we come to Y. Y for Yolanda, and as you might have prophetically foretold, we met at the Y (YMCA). She looked like a beaver,...

Why aren’t the thinks I’m thinking getting thunk on the page any faster?!? (from Stop Lying: Writing Is Hard on ChristopherLehman.com)

Cheshire Puss,’ she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. ‘Come, it’s pleased so far,’ thought Alice, and she...

In life things are only free after you’ve paid for them.

Some folks rail against other folks, because other folks have what some folks would be glad of.

Women are already born so far ahead ability-wise. The day men can give birth, that’s when we can start talking about equal rights.

Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that next time you’re tempted to call me a cheap bastard because I didn’t...

Sarcasm.

I remember that story. You have read it four times.” Samson shrugged. “Why should I stop with the first reading? Nobody says, ‘That was a fine piece of music. I’ll never listen to that again.”...

Where other men failed, I was able to unzip her pants. All I did was gently turn the handle. I make love like a locksmith in a room with no doors.

One, two, three / Buckle my shoe.

I had a dream about you. My office was a closet, and your office was a huge fur factory. I wanted a raise, and you got the elevator.

Sex,” the driver said, “Has no one ever told you about it?”I took the New York Times from my carry-on bag and pretended to read, an act that apparently explained it all.”Ohhh,” the driver said,...

What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment.

Someone dying asks if there is life after death. Yes, comes the answer, only not yours.

You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It’s certainly safer than keeping it in the bank!

He expects us to kill him,” Palomides said to Dinadan.”Some people are so demanding,” Dinadan replied. “Considering we’ve only just met, I mean.

Coach,” Annabeth said, “it was an accident. We were talking, and we fell asleep.””Besides,” Percy said, “you’re starting to sound like Terminus.”Hedge narrowed his eyes. “Is that an insult, Jackson? ‘Cause I’ll-I’ll Terminus you, buddy!

I had a dream about you. You were playing the guitar like it was a piano, and I was impressed with my deafness. You played awfully, but all I could hear was I love you.

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

Graphic design will save the world right after rock and roll does.

The man you’re going to marry should be like a brick: strong, sturdy, supportive and almost always hard in your presence.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like, who drinks as much as you do.

Q: But what do you think that the Bible, itself, says? Don’t you know how it was arrived at?A: I never made a calculationQ: What do you think?A: I do not think about things I...

I had a dream about you. You wrapped the American flag around you like a towel, while I let Russia shower me with praise. The people over there really seemed to love me, probably because...

He crouched at the care window and looked in. “What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They’re all lovely. Except for that one.” His finger jabbed the glass. “That one’s a bit...

You are dead. It just hasn’t occurred to you yet.

The busybody (banned as sexist, demeaning to older women) who lives next door called my daughter a tomboy (banned as sexist) when she climbed the jungle (banned; replaced with “rain forest”) gym. Then she had...

You don’t scare me, Cadence Jones. I’ve lived with crazy, I’ve ridden with crazy, I’ve vacationed with crazy, I’ve visited crazy in various hospitals, I’ve sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think...