I want to sprint into her open arms, but I run as fast as two shoes tied together and thrown over a telephone wire. I’m like Roger Bannister, now that he’s in a wheelchair.

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.

Are you her boyfriend?”…No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.We’ve been promised to each other since birth,” Summer added.Our wedding isn’t until March.

Wake up people, you are sleeping your life away!

There’s a hurricane coming to Florida, and there will be high winds. I should probably turn off my ceiling fans, to try to mitigate the billions of dollars in damages the storm will incur.

This is the legend of Cassius Clay, The most beautiful fighter in the world today.He talks a great deal, and brags indeed-y, of a muscular punch that’s incredibly speed-y.The fistic world was dull and weary,But...

Let’s see if your right foot is as fearless as your mouth.

If you’re at the bar trying to pick up women, remember: bend at the knees.

He seemed only … annoyed. Annoyed, and sweaty, and hot. “Yeah, well,” he said, “the next time you decide to sneak out of our magically warded apartment through a door that shouldn’t really exist, leave...

Oh no. Don’t smile. You’ll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.

Love is a trampoline of the heart. It has its up, it has its downs, and I’m selling mine for $100.00—only been jumped on once.

Mister Cameron – I have read the unexpurgated Ovid, the love poems of Sappho, the Decameron in the original, and a great many texts in Greek and Latin histories that were not though fit for...

The thirstiest bird is surely the swallow. My love is so fluid I’ll bet drinking it would give you the gift of flight.

I’d rather have 100% of 5 than 50% of 10—especially with love.

You should try not to talk so much, friend. You’ll sound far less stupid that way.- Breeze

Learn to look up now and then, just in case a piano is falling from overhead.

Time flies when you grow fangs and fur.

If opposites attract why is the church trying so hard to mirror the world?

I’m ready for Betty if Debbie calls. I’ve got two Susans worth of excitement saved up in my pockets, and my grandma pants couldn’t be tighter.

As an aspiring fashion designer, and lover of human anatomy, I always wonder why nipples don’t appear on the outside of shirts.

No good deed goes unpunished – Oscar Wilde

[S]ometimes, when you are a food person, the possible irrelevance of what you are doing doesn’t cross your mind until it’s too late. (Once, for example, when I was just starting out in the food...

I was going to say.”— Krysta and Étienne

Jamie came back to the apartment one night to find her spreading a viscous fluid onto a canvas. It was threaded wtih blood. “Good God,” he said. “What the hell is that?” Pia didn’t bother...

I’ll sell you a whole half for half price, but that 50% price only has a half-life of a half a day. I’m only doing this because I’m a wholesome guy.

The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle of her body.

And for once, Donald Rumsfeld, in the news at the time over the Iraq war made sense to me: “As we know,” he said, famously, “there are known knowns-things we know we know. We also...

Studies show adolescent males often make decisions based on sex. Many fail to grow out of it.

Imagine there is a balloon tied to a severed human hand. As it floats into the sky it flaps in the breeze, and whether you perceive it to be waving hello or goodbye determines whether...

You’ve left me alone to deal with this situation, and now we’re being dealt the consequences.”I swore I heard Tom growl. I actually pulled the phone from my ear to stare at it to make...

Maruman does not loll.

A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and really make your house not only feel like a home, but less drafty...

This is a lot more satisfying,” he said, “when I have intelligent life whom I can render awed, rapt with attention for my clever verbosity.”The ugly lizard-crab-thing on the next rock over clicked its claw,...

My muscles informed me they did not want to go through any more exercise today. So I suggest that maybe he should let me off this time. He laughed, and I’m pretty sure it was...

There’s a marked difference between Mark Ed and Ed Mark. Same as the difference between making love and loving make—and I do both, for a very reasonable price.

Wherever the family was, these two dogs, both six-year-old shepherd mixes, took up their posts at the central coming-and-going point. Gil called them concierge dogs. And it’s true, they were inquisitive and accommodating. But they...

My love is a cloud sound, silent as an orange flamingo. Too many swimmers have drowned while trying to fly, and there should be a law against making a law against that.

A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get out of there immediately.

Is there a word for when you are young and pretending to have lived and loved a thousand lives? Is there a German word for that? Let’s say its schaufenfrieglasploit.

Everyone, no matter what kind of job he or she has, fantasizes about freaking out at work. How many corporate drones, stuck in a boring staff meeting, have had the sudden urge to jump on...

Clouds are high flying Fog

Thinking back on the outing to the theatre, she added, ‘I want a man, not a preening peacock!

There once was a man from Des MoinesWhose wife was always annoyedHe stepped in the kitchenShe started her bitchin’Now that fucking cunt is dead.

I don’t care who you hang out with, so long as it’s either me or my clones. See, I’m not a jealous type.

I think it’s kinda nice.’ And I did. my mom isn’t famous for her pies. No, she’s famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail...

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I invented a Love Machine. You should buy two, one as a backup—or to run both simultaneously while you masturbate.

Find something useful to do with your morning,’ she thought to him as she neared her chambers. ‘Do something heroic in front of an audience. Knock a child into a river while no one’s looking...

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to...

I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee.