I’m grateful for what you’ve done—and I’m ungrateful for what you haven’t done. A cup half full of coffee is also half full of sleep.

Look at me!Look at me!Look at me NOW!It is fun to have funBut you have to know how.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

You can’t force folks to have good sense, even if they’re family. Maybe especially then.

If you tell me I’m sensible in addition to normal and wise, I’m going to punch you in the stomach.

―¡Pero míralo!―Urge Solo― Soy completamente hetero y se lo haría.

I was the big sister. I was supposed to set and example and lead the way so people would say, ‘Hey, you’re Alex’s sister, aren’t you? You two look exactly alike!’ instead of ‘Hey, you’re...

I had a religious experience at a crosswalk.

If everyone followed through on their resolutions, the conseqences for humanity would be dire: The fast food industry would collapse, the gyms would become unbearably crowded, and lifestyle magazines would have nothing left to say.

The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome...

Three weeks hadn’t changed Cop Central. The coffee was still poisonous, the noise abominable, and the view out of her stingy window was still miserable.She was thrilled to be back.

We’re all guilty of saying insincere things at one point or another, if only just to make the moment not totally suck as much as it truly does.

Sorry, did I say something wrong?” said Marvin, dragging himself on regardless. “Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don’t know why I bother to say it, oh God I’m so...

You stare down your opponent, lights twinkle, but you don’t blink. This is all you and that’s all him, and it ain’t all that much. An instant later you wake up in a hospital. Your...

Now what state do you live in?”Denial.

I thought we were going to take a 20-mule team out to the Grand Canyon and get a Bunsen burner and a bow and arrow, and whatever you can catch you cook. And it’s gotta...

Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale..

Really, I protest–what is left for the satirical mind to invent when reality so surpasses it?

I planted a tree. You’d think my neighbors would be happy for the shade it would provide them, but no, they said I planted it too close to their house. Since when is six inches...

I didn’t chug the hairspray because I’m an alcoholic. I drank it to style my throat hairs.

Until you stalk and overrun, you cannot devour anyone.-Hobbes

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

isaac knows how stupid i find these things, and he finds them just as stupid as i do. like lol. now, if there’s anything stupider than buddy lists, it’s lol. if anyone ever uses lol...

Who are you and how did you get in here?” “I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.

It’s better to say something too little, than nothing too much.

I had a couple of friends in high school. And by a couple I mean my parents.

The beagles are partying under Geiger’s desk.

Would you buy potato chips that listed potato by-product or potato digest as an ingredient

I had a dream about you. You sold Tuesdays to factory workers on Monday mornings. You had a good thing going, until I showed up with a vender cart stocked full of Wednesdays.

preemptive strike n.A blow or punch delivered by military aircraft to a target who is suspected of being adverse to one’s plot for world domination.

A lollygagger is a person choking on a lollipop. That works perfectly, because I sell Heimlich Maneuvers in a variety of flavors.

I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.

At Columbus Circle, a juggler wearing a trench cloak and top hat, who is usually at this location afternoons and who calls himself Stretch Man, performs in front of a small, uninterested crowd; though I...

There is not a man of common sense who would not chuse to be agreeable in company; and yet, strange as it may seem, very few are

Cap’n and I are available for birthday parties at reasonable prices. He does magic, and I make your cake disappear.

You poor dear! Imagine having to wear Mark’s trousers! He’s a lovely lad, but I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone. God only knows who’s been in them!

Conceited little mega-puppy.

Did the room get moved, or the time?” Both did. You’re to meet me at 3:33 in room 333.

She came through the door the moment my beer arrived. Fortyish, salon-blonde, spray tan, fake boobs and real diamonds. Anywhere else it would be a bimbo alert, but in Florida it was just protective coloration.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

She had no idea how long they kissed—and kissed—but she didn’t think about stopping until she ran out of air. Breathing hard, she slowly opened her eyes and stared directly into his.They’d heated. Darkened. And...

I tried all kinds of approaches: sexy, friendly, intimidating—nothing worked. I’m starting to think there’s an invisible force field that prevents honest communication between X and Y chromosomes.

If I were named Brad Pitt, I’d thank the actor by the same name, because due to his hard work and handsomeness, I’d be famous.

Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door…I’ll pay for that!!! Since I’m here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!!

Here Mickey, smell this and see if it’s still good,” and I open it and take a whiff before noticing the fuzz. Like that.

Keep it, compliments of the house. We all pitched in to give you that. Too bad we couldn’t come up with 80,000 more.

Really? Why don’t you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.

Conscience is like a pet: If you spoil it by too much attention it’ll start yipping at the most inopportune times.

We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.

Religion + Good Works = Good WorksSolve for Religion.