DEATH. . .And now you are here to fight for this woman.You know her promise is given.She has to die or her husband won’t go free.APOLLORelax, I’m not breaking any laws.DEATHWhy the bow, if you’re...

Indie band names would make better song titles; indie song titles would make better band names.

Do you remember what I forgot?

Another night then,’ Mom said. ‘Maybe on the weekend we can have a barbecue and invite your sister.’ ‘Or,’ I said turning to Rafe, ‘if you want to skip the whole awkward meet-the-family social event...

He thought he saw some horses, too, and a clown, but it was the faces of all those dead raptors that really bothered him. And maybe that clown a little bit.

A brick could be used in place of a diamond on a wedding ring. Your wife’s probably going to divorce you and take the house anyway, so you might as well give her the first...

Our time together was a blur—not because I was drunk, which I was, but because our love was like the beating of a hummingbird’s wings.

N-not much. You know, reanimated corpses chasing me on a cruise ship. Same old.

Is the line between the essential and the peripheral essential or peripheral?

The slow-witted one that’s been following you? I thought hewas your servant.

Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or...

The shrieks were coming from two quite naked girls, who were pursued by a pair of apes snapping at their bottoms. […] So he now raises his double-barrelled Spanish rifle, fires and kills both apes....

Dead. Never been that before. Not even once.

So I got a new job, and I start tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, and bummed out I’m going to be working.

People could call them ‘Jacks’ for short.” Nicole added to the conversation.

Secret 12916062. Dress to impress, assess, access, possess, and egress.

My heart is closed, but open. Closed to one woman in particular, but open to the public. Guided tours are offered Monday through Friday 9-5.

The sergeants are shunted forward and they blink and stare up at Gonzo as he leans on the edge of his giant mixing bowl. MacArthur never addressed his troops from a mixing bowl–not even one...

There’s no accounting for the opinions of old ladies. They think everyone is cute.

It’s like a fairy tale. . . on crack!

Here I am Rock You Like a Hurricane.

Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there’s nothing sensible you can do with it.

Oh, no” Emily laughed .”No, I don’t know what that is.

She stole my heart, so I stole it back—plus some other items of value.

We have to remember not to tell them, each of them, that they are our new leader. It would only frighten them off, W. says. No one should ever know he or she is our...

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they’ve found it.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.

And by golly, love sure was a battlefield. Benatar was right about that.

SpookSpeak. Douche diligence n. (CIA) Investigation and assessment performed prior to recommending a potential intelligence asset for recruitment.

Accept the fact that girls squeal when they’re happy or confused or excited or scared or because they just saw a certain boy in line.

And make no mistake, my friend, your pointless life will end; but before you go, can you look at the truth?

I commend my soul to any god that can find it.

I liked him, but since his particular field of interest was Remote Suggestion–the skill of projecting thoughts into people’s heads from a distance–I didn’t know whether I actually liked him or he was just suggesting...

Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have just had an epiphany, and then forget all about it because I’ll get...

I had a quack in the floor. So, I had to use ductile.

Why do we assume space aliens will be less emotional than us? What if they’re more emotional? All that hugging could get old pretty quick.

It is Father’s Day today. I should probably call all three of mine and say Hello, and thanks for possibly pumping my mom with the winning batch of semen.

Even I, as sick as I am, I would never be you. Even I, sick and depraved, a traveler to the grave, I would never be you.

As good a day to die as any.” He would defend them until his end.

Mr. Gary Keillor visited at the home of Al and Florence Crandall on Monday and after lunch returned to St. Paul, where he is currently employed in the radio show business… Lunch was fried chicken...

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

I said the first thing that came into my head unfortunately. “Save the drama for your mama ” I told her just like an eleven-year-old.

Not to be rude, but it was all pointless,” I noted from across the room. Four eyes narrowed at me. “What? I said ‘not to be rude’. That’s like saying ‘God bless them’ right after...

Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.

I’d rather eat nothing than eat a carrot.

Women are constantly trying to commit suicide for love, but generally they take care not to succeed.

I wasn’t particularly worried; running is overrated anyway, and sport only makes you sweaty and smug and wears out the knees.

I love like a laugh in a can, so I hope you like Spam. I also hope you like spam, because I forwarded all my unsolicited penis enlargement emails to you, as obviously I don’t...

Mom. I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead....