I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.

There’s a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.”[Interview, The Paris Review, Summer 1956]

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot more emeaglibop.

The human body is the best work of art.

The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do...

Thanks, I try to look good.

When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.

Crushed again!

There’s no trouble in this world so serious that it can’t be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer.

Why, that’s adorable!

Certain words roll off the tongue like frozen balls of saliva. Words like sure, positive, and definite—you know, words that are certain.

There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts.

Women, who understands them? Not men—and certainly not women. Perhaps only cats do. But who understands cats? Perhaps only Orafoura, the last remaining Cupid and sole savior of earthly love.

A satirist is never certain whether he/she will be acclaimed or punished.

Erasing is exercise for the hands

That isn’t writing at all, it’s typing.

I’m currently drinking a coffee cup full of yesterday and thinking about tomorrow. My past is so dark it makes me think my future could use some cream.

It’s like they’ve forgotten everything important, isn’t it? I mean, forgotten things like cats and dancing exist.

I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.

Unoka went into an inner room and soon returned with a small wooden disc containing a kola nut, some alligator pepper and a lump of white chalk. “I have kola,” he announced when he sat...

Yep, I was so mature, I decided I would just have to reward myself by doing the naked lambada with a Federal Agent.

Suffering is my teacher. If I pay attention to it instead of trying to numb it out, maybe it can lead me to its root.

I believe men belong in the garage, because that’s where the dog food is stored. And the band is kept there. Auditions start after I move the car.

Please take note that any and all dragon petting will be at your own peril. We are not liable for any injuries sustained while petting.

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we’ve found ways to amuse ourselves.” “Really?” Valkyrie asked. “Like what?”Plight’s smile faded. “Like human sacrifice.”He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie...

This is the pen that was first used to write down these words. This is history. This happened. Now, go write your own history. But use another pen, because this one’s not only super glued...

How do you feel, Georgie?” whispered Mrs. Weasley.George’s fingers groped for the side of his head.”Saintlike,” he murmured.”What’s wrong with him?” croaked Fred, looking terrified. “Is his mind affected?””Saintlike,” repeated George, opening his eyes and...

I’m a survivor, ” I said. But I didn’t think that claim would carry much weight in an obituary.

It’s been my experience that people always assume that generalized anxiety disorder is preferable to social anxiety disorder, because it sounds more vague and unthreatening, but those people are totally wrong. For me, having generalized...

I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit.

I had a dream about you. I was drinking a cup of coffee, and you were a cup of coffee in the process of taking over a man. I thought I was consuming you, but...

Did you like question ten, Moony?” asked Sirius as they emerged into the entrance hall.”Loved it,” said Lupin briskly. “Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question.””D’you think you managed to get all the...

Have you made any other friends since we’ve been here?”I gave him the death stare. “Yes, actually.””Who? I want a name.””Jamie Roth.””The Ebola kid? I heard he’s a little unstable.””That was one incident.

I drove your lunch to work, and I parked it in my stomach.

If only I had the speed that my alien boyfriend had, then I could just zip through my senior year and forget about distance and mom’s annoyingly great sense of hearing. But when said alien...

When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day.

My asshole smells like a paper mill. Three cheers for being a writer.

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when people find my threats amusing.

On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.

Labels are necessary, for dating purposes. I’m not talking about gay versus straight. I’m talking about milk versus its expiration.

KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of the Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants...

We have a whole garage worth of tools — pry bars, tire irons, and even a hammer or two. There’s got to be something better than my torque wrench he could have grabbed.

Anxiously, he touched the lump on his head again, then felt his injured leg, groaning. “The whole affair is a mystery to me,” he said. “Who would want to steal anything from me?” “Perhaps a...

Aquello está sobre las brasas de la tierra, en la mera boca del infierno. Con decirle que muchos de los que allí se mueren al llegar al infierno regresan por su cobija.

Right now it’s 77 degrees—even if you’re a dyslexic.