The place where the story happened was a world on the back of four elephants perched on the shell of a giant turtle. That’s the advantage of space. It’s big enough to hold practically anything,...

The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people’s sides all of her life.

If I were handicapped, I’d travel by horse. Well, that’s assuming my wheelchair would be stable on the horse’s back. I’d be a coffee addict and porn historian.

Phones with numerical keypads worked best for dialing phone calls. Incidentally, phone calls tend to be the primary function of a phone. ‘Smartphones’ completely ignore these basic facts, resulting in some of the least intelligent...

Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious. In fact, ‘atheism’ is a term that should not even exist. No one...

I’ve created a monster, haven’t I?” said Merlin, staring at the animated figure incredulously.”I think that, technically, I was already a monster,” the dragon replied. “Now I am a monster with social networking skills. Or...

Evidence is of no longer consequence when hope enters the fray, and this is where faith is born—a seemingly abundant commodity certain powerful organizations feed on fervently, if not lavishly.

People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them.

Twice,” added the voice under the table.

Dr Adams was following my orders if you want to blame someone blame me -casiusoh i do,I’m just so pissed i had extra left over – Jace

Those items your woman is looking at are a gift from the goddess, you oaf!

Nice to be born in this universe. Thanks dad and mom.

I would rather save a few seconds than a few cents. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m saving them in your sofa cushions.

It was February sixth: eight days until Valentine’s Day. I was dateless, as usual, deep in the vice grip of unrequited love. It was bad enough not having a boyfriend for New Year’s Eve. Now...

When she realizes that Nigel is having an affair, her first sentiment is satisfaction that she figured it out. Her second is that, despite all the palaver about betrayal, it doesn’t feel so terrible.This is...

Banks are the temples of America. This is a holy war. Our economy is our religion.

I caught a fish with a deep voice. It was a bass.

Love sounds like an elephant weighs. I know, because I’ve seen it with my own two nostrils. I’ve grown fat on the scent of Helen Keller’s memory.

Like I live with my clone: with many pats on the back, accompanied by high flattery.

New Rule: The White House doesn’t have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don’t pretend we can’t take it. We’ve seen pictures of Britney Spears’s vagina getting out of a car. Television has...

Well, speaking as a feminist, I’m glad that women can lead–uh, groups of unspeakable magical evil.””Yes,” Alan said gravely. “It’d be shoking if the evil magicians were sexist. For one thing, that would mean they...

If I had all the money in the world, I’d love seeing my name on billboards, buildings, and battleships. The only thing I wouldn’t like seeing my name on would be a credit card. Especially...

When I was extremely young and shockingly stupid, I thought you weren’t supposed to ever get angry at anybody you cared about (lest you suspect I’m exaggerating the “shockingly stupid” part, I also thought Mount...

I paid the cabman exactly his fare. He received it with an oath; upon which I instantly gave him a tract. If I had presented a pistol at his head, this abandoned wretch could hardly...

Lying flat against the tile of the kitchen floor listening to someone else have sex is essentially my early twenties in a nutshell.

A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You’d better get walking, because me and...

Diner: Do you serve crabs here?Waiter : We serve anyine; sit down.

Oatmeal Face, Jawless, and the other revenants dragged me out of the van by the zip tie between my hands. The sharp plastic bit painfully into my wrists.”All right, all right, I’m coming,” I said....

Orange juice so fresh it’s like a straw in an apple. Change for a twenty? Five fives, if you’ve got them.

I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this”, he begins. He doesn’t blush, and his eyes don’t dart away. Instead I find myself staring into a pair of oceans – one perfect, the other...

If swimming in gold were a sport, I’d be the Michael Phelps, and my winning would lead to more winning, as my gold made more gold.

I might be 30 years old, but a girl never outgrows the need for her mother.

Ew, sicko. I was practicing Edomic.””Sure you were,” Jason said. “You’re just too embarrassed to admit you were playing hide-and-seek all alone. Rachel hiding, nobody seeking.

I said that additionally, since I was planning to nurse, it be best if you were off the breast before I came back to work. My boss just looked at me dreamily and said, ‘That...

Enjoying a cup of coffee and a good book, is there anything better? Only if literature were liquid and drinkable.

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs.

I picked up a hitchhiker. Later on I picked up some common sense and soda. The soda was all-natural, like the hooker from earlier.

My clones just honored me with the 2012 Man of the Year Award. But I wasn’t fooled—I knew they were really honoring themselves.

If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing.

You go Picasso!

It’s best to locate the mind first before launching the ‘missiles of contention’.

Come forward as servants of Islam, organize the people economically, socially, educationally and politically and I am sure that you will be a power that will be accepted by everybody.

All that separated our love lives was one wall, and I was peeping through it. I was wearing Tom’s nametag, so why shouldn’t I act like him?

If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my hero.

Entomologists use that word ‘foul’ often when referring to the flavor of a caterpillar. They are rarely more specific than ‘foul’ or ‘tasty.’ I expect that is because they are leaving the assessment up to...

I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regrettedmost of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.

What’s a feminist?” Julie asked.”Someone who thinks women are fish,” Barton replied. He was smiling at Lily. “And that men are bicycles, which makes us basically useless to anyone of the fish persuasion. But it...

If you make a deal with a fool, don’t be surprised when they act foolishly.

If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal. I would pour you a large glass of Michael Phelps, but I don’t have that much water.

A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch.