Murphy hung up and I said, to the still-open line, “Hey, if you’ve got someone watching my place, could you call the cops if anyone tries to steal my Star Wars poster? It’s an original.”Then...

The night before a deadline, I usually am in desperate need of a back rub. And new wrists. And candy. And little mice to secretly finish the job while I am sleeping.

The chimes were clinging in the wind. Or were they clanging, and clinging to hope?

I consider myself to be apretty good judge of people…That’s why I don’t like any of them.

Jack Woodson is currently living and working in Dallas, TX. He has forty children, and all of them have different mothers.

For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.

They say curiosity killed the cat but I am unconcerned. I am smarter, though slightly less evil, than any cat.

I’m dealing with a lot of scary things. I think you have to react to them. And you either laugh at them or you go insane.

If I were to be honest, I’m probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent.

If I had to describe my penis with a movie title, it would be: Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

The importance of humor is primarily to puncture fixed ideas—to make us step back and realize that our situation, whatever it may be, is, in the grand scheme of things, always contingent and arbitrary and...

Mr. Klamp laid down the law. No tardiness, no talking above 40 decibels, no untied shoelaces, no visible undergarments, no eating, no chewing gum, no chewing tobacco, no chewing betel nuts, no chewing coca leaves,...

Hotel hallways should have conveyer belts for floors, so I can feel like a grocery item on vacation. I guess I’m just a romantic.

Having sex on a motorcycle wouldn’t only be exciting, it’d be dangerous. What if while we were parked we got broadsided by a speeding bicycle?

Aren’t fairy godmothers supposed to be nice and make you feel better about yourself?…No, you’re confusing fairy godmothers with sales clerks.

Great, tell me when you’ve defeated Voldemort for me, will you?

what would you call this haircut?”arthur.

You’d have to take your shoes and breeches off to count to twenty-one!

Would it make you feel better if I said I’ve done a numerical analysis on the probabilities and the results are skewed toward you having more problems with this case?

I’ve been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won’t move his car.

I believe that the door was unlocked.

It’s true—there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.

Boats should be shaped more like shoes. Better for dancing. The only thing I’m better at than dancing is making love, and grandmas all over Memphis say they haven’t seen moves like mine since after...

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something

A word to the wise is infuriating.

The cup was empty, but I didn’t drink it because nothing is impossible to drink. So instead, I drank nothing. Nothing is impossible to drink, except nothing.

…but I’d learned a long time ago that the worse things are, the more people lie about them.

Oh, I am. You haven’t experienced fun until you try to fuck in the front seat of a Civic.

Microwavable ice cream is the future. Don’t wait for love to melt all over your crotch. Scoop some Ice Cream Soup today.

2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom.

Writing is a dying form. One reads of this every day.

I’m very pleased to see you, Harry, dear,” she said.

I like to pet trees—especially if they have furry leaves.

Her lips taste like mint from toothpaste or gum, or sometimes like cherries or grapes from her lip gloss. She’s soft when I hold her, with curves where my hands rest, and when I touch...

One should always be in love. That’s the reason one should never marry.

Great food also had the ability to attract great talent. “I don’t know what to do,” senior engineer Luiz Barroso moaned to Jeff Dean the night he had to decide whether to join VMWare or...

When the management iceberg is shaped like a huge phallus, you know that there are a lot of tossers that the top penguin has had to climb over to reach the tip and that there...

Count Olaf sounds like an awful person. I hope he is torn apart by wild animals someday. Wouldn’t that be satisfying?

You know what people are doing on the other side of the world, what’s happening on another planet, but not what’s going on inside the person next to you.

If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.

Yes Headwoman Azaze. But I never lie to Rosethorn. She, um, discourages it.””Evvy and I have an understanding.” She grabbed the teakettle and poured hot water into the mug. “She tells me the truth, and...

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

I’ll write something that’s 111% true. It’ll be so true that it’ll be 100% false.

We made love like two shy people who acted like we’ve never acted in front of a camera before. Aside from the lead actor, I was also the producer, director, cameraman, and financier.

You know your husband truly loves you when he calls you, “Money, I’m home!

Love has an enormous spectrum of expression and impact. At the far end, it begins to unravel and move away from subjective experience and personal preference. It becomes pure intent, something that no longer tickles...

You can tell a lot about a person’s character by how they do life’s menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by...

He was stupid. If I killed everyone who was stupid, I wouldn’t have time to sleep.

IMBECILE!” the chef shouted. “Next time why don’t you just put your whole HAND in the food, hey? Yes, your whole hand, or maybe your FACE! I arrange the food on plates with care, are...

A slinky is a toy made for stairs, but that’s entirely too tiresome. What about a toy for escalators that doesn’t move and does nothing and that’s the whole point? I think Americans would relate...