Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

And even, if circumstances required, a contingency plan for his contingency plan’s contingency plan.

I admire the person who can write it right off. Mencken once said that a person who thinks clearly can write well. But I don’t think clearly–too many thoughts bump into one another. Trains of...

I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster.

I have never yet figured out what to do about good advice that you get, and that you know right away would help you, but that you cannot follow.

With each replacement of parts, a car slowly becomes Chinese.

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.

I watched a bowl of fruit on the table remain motionless. Just another example of life imitating art.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is...

Mae’s first impulse was to die of shame, but she realized after a hot, stomach-clenching moment that this was probably impractical.

No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

If it had been great sex I doubt I’d remember he tooted between thrusts.

I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

I’m an artist. I’m a cave painter. Archaeologists and art critics of the future are going to call me a genius. They’re going to say I was so far ahead of my time that I...

I wish every envelope enclosed a love letter. It’s this hope that leads me to open strangers’ mail. So you see, I’m a romantic, not an NSA employee.

The best things in life are the things you do by mistake.

Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy.

Yes, life is hard, but it’s not a bad way to pass the time. When all is said and done, I recommend it.

But giving drugs to a cat is no joke, Kemp!

I’m stoic like a statue of Stonewall Jackson. I’d make a great U.S. President, but I’d make an even better chiseled piece of marble—and that’s what makes me such an amazing lover.

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily...

No, no. Don’t make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man’s confidence.

I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.

Check out that one at the end. He’s taken the form of a footstool. Weird…but somehow I like his style.””That is a footstool.

The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.

Amy,” Elsie Moore said in her crackling voice, her gaze fixed on Declan. “I want you to get me a new bear. A blond one.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

It’s some homeless woman. She looks like she needs money and a good wash.” And I thought I’d already reached the lowest point of my day.

I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn’t burned down, you don’t have cancer, and your daughter hasn’t been raped or murdered. The bad news is...

I keep telling myself sensible things, but I never seem to listen!

Nobody’s ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?

In my dream I woke up to realize I was tired and needed to go to sleep. Then I slowly remembered that I was asleep, but that I needed to wake up and write this...

Dear Mary Duende, It’s freezing here in the trenches, but loneliness is colder than any hyperthermia. Gunshots and shrapnel have become my companions. But life is better now than it was when I was at...

Buy or borrow self-improvement books, but don’t read them. Stack them around your bedroom and use them as places to rest bowls of cookies.Watch exercise shows on television, but don’t do the exercises. Practice believing...

If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.

A lighthearted prayer for Thanksgiving:May you have turkey in seasonCranberries for squeezin’Gravy (within reason)And leftovers worth freezin’!Amenby Merrill Miller of Scottdale, PA

When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we’re going to be having a shufti to see if it’s solid, aren’t we, we’re not going to be asking, ‘Excuse me, are you the...

I had a dream about your brain. I wish I could eat my dream.

I don’t sleep on the left side of the bed, or the right side, because there is a third option: to not sleep. After all, sleep is like death. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.

I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.

’Cause Desperado is so much better than Melvin.

No sight so sad as that of a naughty child,” he began, “especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?””They go to hell,” was my ready and orthodox answer.”And...

I had a dream about you. The Thursdays were back, and with them they brought hope. They were selling, and everybody was buying. I tried telling the people they shouldn’t buy, because if they just...

If I have to tell you it is, it isn’t.

Here you’ll find everything you don’t need—and much less!

Oh… Adrian, I’ve got one more favor to ask you. A big one.” “Fondue?” he asked hopefully.

If you’re trapped in the dream of the Other, you’re fucked.

Parsley is gharsley.

What was to fear from a foe that could be defeated by a few potholes and the heat of the sun?