I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they’re walking on

manhole cover” is.

I mop my floor with a wet cloud. My love tissues are full of eye rain. Dinner will be served at breakfast.

I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.

Be levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.

I want you never to make that statement again.

When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time

I met a girl today, and she wants to go out tonight. I’m like, What’s the rush? I’m thirty years old, and fate has made me wait three decades to meet you, so what’s another...

She ordered beer all night, and I ordered root beer. She was drunk, and so was I—with love.

…it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone...

When preserving for posterity, use ¾ cup of sugar for each cup of item preserved, seal tightly, and store in a dry, dark place.

Every working mother has the things she dreads, things that keep her up in the night – pink eye, an ear infection, the parent-teacher conference, the school play – all forcing her to remind the...

You’re not shooting the cat. It would leave a mess.

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few...

Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.

I know you’re the only pistol champion we have, but I’d rather they no see enough of you to hit. You’re also the only wife I have…””You’re so sweet.'”…at the moment.

Your washing machine is my bathtub. Every time I see you my heart spins with desire. YA by nosit’ Moskvu shtany dlya vas, kak drozh’ babushki. (I’d wear Moscow as pants for you, like a...

Lord of the Muck.

When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.

Happy Birthday.”

Until-as often happened during those first months travel, whenever I would feel such happiness-my guilt alarm went off. I heard my ex-husband’s voice speaking disdainfully in my ear: So this is what you gave up...

Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don’t get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his urethra. If you hurry, you can make it to mine in under 15 dollars. I mean minutes.

I tried not to laugh. I thought about how my Southern Baptist friends would respond to the suggestion that their entire denomination was making people gay.

I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

I want a beard as white as snow, and two feet deep.

Still it is true that many same-sex couples want nothing more than to join society as fully integrated socially responsible family-centered taxpaying Little League-coaching nation-serving respectably married citizens. So why not welcome them in Why...

To not wear anything, and to wear nothing, are not the same.

He’s only two years younger, but that doesn’t mean I’m not old enough to be his father. I grew up fast. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does.

The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin “Tubby” Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his...

Dear Edmond,When I got home last night I noticed that you were asleep. I also noticed that you had gone to Morton’s Steakhouse and there were leftovers in the fridge. Renaldo and Ruprecht were asleep,...

Lucien, women are wondrous, mysterious, and magical creatures, who should be treated not only with respect but with reverence, perhaps even awe. Now go sweep the steps.

Dog spelled backwards is God. NOC spelled backwards is NOC.

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

Not entirely fair?” His voice became that of the inferno: a rushing, booming howl of icy evil that flew around the great cavern, as swift and cold as the Wendigo on skates. “I am Satan,...

If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.

Don’t worry, I’m not quitting. I’ve decided I’m going to stay andmake his life a living hell while I run his business into the ground.–Kim to Abe

You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It’s far more common than you might think. -Angela the Herbalist

Never tell a warm-up joke before giving an intelligence briefing – just start the briefing so you can get straight to the really big laughs.

Last weekend I went out of my comfort zone to go hang out with people I’d only heard about, and I met one new person who turned out to be a very valuable contact. I...

…the Puritans compressed whatever mirth and public joy they deemed allowable to human infirmity; thereby so far dispelling the customary cloud, that, for the space of a single holiday, they appeared scarcely more grave than...

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

I had a dream about you. A fire raged in a forest, and we just laughed, because we owned a marshmallow factory.

As an anonymous wit is supposed to have put it: “Hydrogen is a light, odorless gas which, given enough time, changes into people.

Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.

The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine.

The main bridge of the original Starship Enterprise had pictures of galaxies above each workstation. Probably in case the ship got lost.

My flashlight’s not working. I don’t know if the batteries are dead, but my mother-in-law sure as hell isn’t. When she dies, my love can live.

Marcus and Ellie exchanged a worried look and examined the bag again. Sure enough, the gold was gone.