My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.

Who’re you going with, then?” said Ron.”Angelina,” said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment.”What?” said Ron, taken aback. “You’ve already asked her?””Good point,” said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common...

The land of easy mathematics where he who works adds up and he who retires subtracts.

I want to get even. I want to get even more money.

One bad habit people do way past the age they should be doing it is living. The youth of today, they’re so old.

A gypsy girl approached Don Zana and Alfanhui and held out her tambourine. Don Zana said to her, ‘You don’t pay for art, kid.

A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. (Hint: The truth is much heavier than a brick.)

I cringe when critics say I’m a master of the popular novel. What’s an unpopular novel?

You can’t believe everything people tell you – not even if those people are your own brain.

The End of the Raven”On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slantingI awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found...

Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with...

It would be either a very skilled or very unwise man to steal from an assassin.” – Taliesin

There is a species of primate in South America more gregarious than most other mammals, with a curious behavior.The members of this species often gather in groups, large and small, and in the course of...

My Head of House said I lacked certain necessary qualities…like the ability to behave myself.

There are as many ways to discover your story as there are to trip over a dog in the kitchen–and some of them feel about as planned.

I launder dirty money. You should see my washing machine. (It’s filthy!)

And she didn’t once say anything about this being a sin. It used to be I got the word sin slapped in my face every time I did something wrong, but come on, when you...

I’m sorry, but why does Claire know how to take a punch? I’m not sure I like where this is going,” Carter said nervously. “Well, last year Jim made us watch Fight Club for like,...

Desjani pulled out a ration bar. ‘Hungry?’ she asked Geary.’I had something earlier. Is that a Yanika Babiya?”No. It’s . . .’ She squinted at the label. ‘Spicy chicken curry.”A chicken curry ration bar? How...

What do writers look like?

Who said to kill does not require gentleness?

Earn your money, and earn my love. Just like money, sometimes you have to spend love to make love.

Love is the color of red inverted. At least that’s what Gunnar Greenlove told me, and I believe him because he’s from an island where half the people tell only the truth and half tell...

Don’t go there, Bob. Let’s just not go there.

A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only lane could be used to represent a company called Brick.

No matter what dimension you’re in, there’s a big-headed male trying to take over the world.

Underwater, bubbles erupted before my eyes as a swift hand snatched my arm and pulled me to the surface. I gasped for air, coughing and gagging at the amount of water I sucked into my...

Do you remember what we just did? Please tell me you remember what we just did.”She briefly toyed with the idea of lying and saying no, just to see the look on his face, but...

You know what show I thought was a riot? Live coverage of Egyptians overthrowing their government.

Do not do that again,” he said stiffly.”Don’t kiss me back then,” I retorted.He stared at me for what seemed like forever. “I don’t give ‘Zen lessons’ to hear myself talk. I don’t give them...

Don’t call a woman a bitch. Call her an ass-hole. It still gets your point across and it’s not sexist.

assed” in places where it doesn’t even make sense. Regardless, we will fulfill your request for Cherry Kool-Aid. However, Halle Berry will not be pouring it from her mouth into yours.For dessert, you asked for...

…Our conversation with the supermarket manager had been about as helpful as a New Jersey road sign, and if you’ve ever been there, you know the signs don’t tell you the exit you’re coming up...

I wore a hat, to compensate for the fact that my pants were unzipped. When we made love, she asked if I brought a condom, so I showed her my tube socks. I brought two,...

I had a dream about you. You smiled at me, and I blushed like a red rose. Then you started sniffing my cheeks and I realized you were a bee and I’d been deceived.

YES. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW I ROLL. LIKE A SUAVE THING. In fact, from here on, please forward my mail to 1 Suave Hill, Suave Boulevard, Suavieland, Planet of She’s-So-Smooth-I-Can’t-Believe-She’s-Not-Butter.

The sundress she wanted was too expensive for me, so I bought her a moondress. It’s not as shiny, but it still makes me howl.

I don’t know why it is, Captain Short, but whenever you start agreeing with me, I get decidedly nervous.

I wish the trees would go into leaf that I might find out what they are. In their present undress I cannot recognise them. It’s true that I doubt if I should know my best...

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns…and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.

A lightning bolt is sharper than an axe, because it’ll chop down a tree with one strike. My love is like that too—good for making firewood.

My love is shaped like a dog whistle—the sound, not the thing. As a lover, I’m a fighter. But dogs have more bark than me—and so do trees.

Teagan: How long has it been since you read a book that didn’t havevampires in it?Abby: They write books with no vampires? Wait…the penguins made us read that Shakesrear guy, right?Teagan: Shakespeare.

A brick and a blanket need a logo, and I’m just the designer to hire to sit around idly as I ideally charge you by the hour.

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.