I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a childhood that was _not_ like mine. I have no real frame of reference, but when I question strangers I’ve found that their childhood...

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

Love is like a cookie. Maybe I should have ordered crackers with my condom soup.

The problem with at-home IQ tests is that too many people wouldn’t understand the results. Calling customer service is a bad sign.

Everything you can imagine,is real.

It was considered at the time a striking proof of virtue in the young king that he was sorry for his father’s death;but, as common subjects have that virtue too, sometimes, we will say no...

Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn’t the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.

The truth is I’m a chicken shit coward who’s afraid of a girl like you. When I’m with you, I want things I never thought I’d be able to have, or deserved, and that scares...

A lot of the nonsense was the innocent result of playfulness on the part of the founding fathers of the nation of Dwayne Hoover and Kilgore Trout. The founders were aristocrats, and they wished to...

How to Lose Weight Through the Miracle of Diarrhea. That sounds like a bestselling Romance novel title if I’ve ever heard one. I’m a sucker for a good love story.

Conversations.” Of course, it’s all talk at this point.

Now if you are told that some piece of information will come as a shock to you, the chances are that you will really feel shocked, even if the information itself isn’t of the slightest...

But when a man is really in love he can’t help looking like a sheep. Now whenever that young man looked he looked like a sheep I take back all is this morning. It is...

Vanity was the beginning and the end of Sir Walter Elliot’s character; vanity of person and of situation. He had been remarkably handsome in his youth; and, at fifty-four, was still a very fine man....

If you’re going to hit a car, try to be sure that it’s not a cop car

Going to bed at sunrise, I find a blindfold helps me sleep. Also, I like it when my kidnappers put pillows in the trunk.

As soon as we met, she probably imagined herself marrying me. Then within five minutes, she was probably already envisioning divorce.

Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies

For somewhere,” said Poirot to himself, indulging in an absolute riot of mixed metaphors, “there is in the hay a needle, and among the sleeping dogs there is one on whom I shall put my...

I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.

I’ll never forget my first time with you’ Min said as she edged the doughnut off her finger. ‘The earth moved, and then my mother asked my father who he was going down on at...

The one I felt and still feel most is lack of time. I used to have time to think, to reflect, my mind and I. We would sit together of an evening and listen to...

Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.

It’s Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don’t-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus.

Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?Bethany: I wouldn’t say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.

The standard clauses of the American dream only included two weeks of vacation a year.

He stumbled out of his phlegmatic apathy,when she entered his life like an epiphany.

During those hours, I had zero social awareness, as I was asleep. All the joggers who waved at me while I was walking can vouch for that.

I wrote a song called “Stinky Sodomite.” It isn’t a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it is a children’s song that teaches them how to count. In fact, the...

Right,” Sadie said. “And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death.

People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children’s story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great...

I saw myself in a piece of glass that wasn’t a mirror. Was that my doppelganger or my clone? Who was that? Who am I? Maybe if I hadn’t been acting like a reverse Peeping...

Ares sighed “What are the three words said most often in our house?” “Not tonight, Ares?” Than offered. “Funny,” Ares growled. “Cara never says that.

I realized everyone around me was wearing a uniform. Black pants, white button-down shirts, green ties. Gotta love the smell of institutional equality in the morning.

I am an eater of water. I mean drinker. My love comes in a package that includes a straw/spoon.

Sorry, pigtails, but subtlety isn’t an option anymore.

Taking a deep breath that smelled of rain, she was poised to move when a hand clasped her elbow. Memories of another hand grabbing her sent panic shooting through her veins.She swung around.”Whoa. You okay?”...

I believe I am a witness to the Invisible Man, because I saw nothing. I’m just as reliable—and unreliable—as Helen Keller.

He would make a good lamp post if he’d weather better and didn’t have to eat.

Suicide is selfish. Don’t take your own life—take someone else’s.

My day starts like a regular guy’s. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat. Wait, that’s not my story—that’s Rocky’s. I get us confused all the time.

If I have succeeded, it is because I have failed. And if I have failed, it’s because of my father. It’s all my dad’s goddamned fault.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I’d say our afternoon just got booked solid!

Being king is about having all the material things you want, and having nobody you trust enough to share them with.

It’s a pelvis thrust, not a pelvic wiggle.

Why’s this fish so bloody good?” he demanded, angrily.

I’m thirsty for your love. I hope you don’t mind, but I drank straight from the carton—without even checking to see if it had expired.

I’m the sort of guy who will accept blame, if it means being singled out as honest and honorable, and there’s a chance I’ll be rewarded.

All your Western theologies, the whole mythology of them, are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent