It would be especially comforting to believe that I have the answer to the question, What happens when we die? Does the light just go out and that’s that—the million-year nap? Or will some part...

Popcorn! Our fatal weakness!

I told him he needed a faucet and a basin, and I let this information sink in.

Why do I seem to have this effect on women? They’re around me and they cry.

Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.

Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I’m a leader—a leader of one with followers of none.

Cause she’s a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.” Farah laughed.

He bantered us, challenged us, electrified us . . . At times his eloquence held us silent as images and some witty turn, some humorous phrase brought roars of applause. At times we cheered almost...

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.

‘Personally, I prefer Stevie Wonder,’ confessed the Chink, ‘but what the hell. Those cowgirls are always bitching because the only radio station in the area plays nothing but polkas, but I say you can dance...

Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.

The hole in my heart matches the key I gave her, and I’d like it back, along with the key to my hope chest.

I have no culture, no humane harmony in my brains. I can’t live without a culture anymore.

He was my mum and dad’s best friend. He’s a convicted murderer, but he’s broken out of wizard prison and he’s on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though…keep up with...

I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust.

The average sparrow is something of a bore and the trouble is that all sparrows are average.

I don’t embark on journeys like the bark of a dog, but more like the bark of a tree. The path to love winds through a densely wooded forest.

Yes. Your father helped me with that peacemaking thing I do that keeps you happily killing for a living.

I’m fine,” Kate said. “In fact, since my last two dates were so awful, things can only get better.””Bad deduction,” Jessie said. “If that were true, I’d be dating Harrison Ford by now.

I dreamed I was buying new shoes last night,” said Ron. “What d’ya think that’s gonna mean?””Probably that you’re going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something,” said Harry.

But it is best to let sleeping facts lie.

Dinner was a riot, but the food was bland, so I doused it with pepper spray. The chef wanted to protest, but he didn’t, because I had the pepper spray.

I knew I was in love because when I saw her my heart stopped. Obviously it started beating again.

have i gone mad?im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

Dear Producers, Something is radiating deep within me and it must be transmitted or I will implode and the world will suffer a great loss, unawares. Epic are the proportions of my soul, yet without...

33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.

The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on the slates. “What are they doing?” Alice whispered to the Gryphon. “They can’t have anything to put down yet, before the trial’s begun.””They’re putting down their...

Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won’t answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!

A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.

That’s not normal.

Have lube, will travel.

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

He said that there would be more information available in the narthex. I leaned over to Matthew and whispered, “The Narthex? Isn’t that a Dr. Suess character that speaks for the trees??

Olga was better, in the sun, where he could see every pore in her skin. Get closer. Feel her next to him. It was all he wanted in the world. It was the last thing...

A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it can lift my heavy, elephantine penis off the floor. But before I turn...

Hate. Huh. He’d never hated himself. If anything, he’d always liked himself a little too much. Once, a human female had even accused him of picturing his own face while he climaxed. He hadn’t denied...

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.

People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remember that as my grandpa got older, his hair went from green to yellow to red, like a traffic light, only with slightly...

Blankets are good to carry around if you want to be able to quickly black bag someone.

I’m dying!” Malfoy yelled, as the class panicked. “I’m dying, look at me! It’s killed me!

To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in a film studio.

I am a tree, though I’m not a shady character. I’m like a tree in winter.

I’m reminded of a story I told my 5th grade class in the 4th grade.

My grandpa was a grandma robber. He stole two grandmas, both of them mine. His name was Rob.

You’re right, I do indeed want you. That doesn’t change the fact that you’re an asshole.

If you were me, then I’d be you, and if I were you, then I’d hide somewhere far away.

It’s better to err on the side of more, than less, except if you’re talking about killing people with the last name of Moore.

So not cool,” from the bastard as he fell…fell…Splat.