Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a...

In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.

You have a very open relationship with your fans.””Yes. We have an open relationship. Obviously they can see other authors if they want, and I can see other readers.

Sure, politicians rob from us, the people—but only because it’s in our best interest. If they didn’t rob from us, somebody else would, and this other scoundrel wouldn’t even bother to wrap the theft in...

The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:’I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to...

hermes has threatened me with slow mail. lousy Internet service and a horrible stock market if i publish this story. I hope he is just bluffing.

…I’ve spent the last fifteen years of my life railing against the game of soccer, an exercise that has been lauded as “the sport of the future” since 1977. Thankfully, that future dystopia has never...

Jace shook his blond head in exasperation. “You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn’t you? You couldn’t just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?

Tasers are a one-size-fits-all paranormal butt-kicking option. Mine’s pink withrhinestones.

Well now,” the scholar went on, “I’m just an old fuddy-duddy who could use a tan, so you needn’t grant my opinion any authority, but I consider the queendom lucky that a handful of Milliners...

Sorry,” she said. “I have a psychological disorder that prevents me from keeping thoughts inside my head where they belong.

Well, that would certainly earn you a cookie!

I make love like 1981, one year before I was born. That explains why all your orgasms are nonexistent.

At the potluck, I brought two dishes: knowledge and mashed potatoes and gravy. Guess which one got cleaned out and which one hardly got touched.

Is it because I’m better-looking than you?

This was very exciting. I’d never had two boys get into a fight over me before. The fact that one of the boys was my stepbrother, however, and held about as much romantic appeal for...

After years of immaturity, I finally have my act together. As far as acting, it’s very slapstick.

You don’t get to be the president of anything if you have bad manners.

Buggeroff, enchanté!

We often hear that mathematics consists mainly of ‘proving theorems.’ Is a writer’s job mainly that of ‘writing sentences?

I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.

Rule number one of anime,” Simon said. He sat propped up against a pile of pillows at the foot of his bed, a bag of potato chips in one hand and the TV remote in...

Sahara knew she should be worried about the fact that she’d been in bed with a man who’d caused that kind of damage with a momentary and, according to him, minor loss of telekinetic control...

It’s a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really.

It is said that the dead are infinitely patient, although it is usually said by the living, and how would they know?

…’Well, I think of you as a straight shooter, Sheriff, but one who can’t stop lustin’ after the goddamn ineffable.'”She said that, hunh?””Yup.””Shitfire, Sheriff, what’d you do?””Well, I shot her.

Success breeds slackery. And I breed in the backery of the bakery.

I’ve always been one to share things. Particularly things like responsibility and blame.

Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with is”Sure” said Magnus. “And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour

I shot him a look. “That bouncer was really big.”His lips quirked. “Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.””What?”The grin spread. “I would say size doesn’t matter but it does. I would...

I want to be the guy who the guy you admire admires. I hope his name is Guy, because I admire M.C. Escher.

The road to creativity passes so close to the madhouse and often detours or ends there.

Please note, I am not suggesting that illicit drugs are required to break down social barriers.

As for you, Private, if you mention a word of this to anyone, I’ll feed you to the cat thing here. Understand?””Yum,” said Mogget.”Yes, sir!” mumbled the telephone operator, his hands shaking as he tried...

Perhaps you are thinking: ‘But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don’t have that kind of money.’Don’t be silly. You’re a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?Perhaps you are...

Dating is like pushing your tray along in a cafeteria. Nothing looks good, but you know you have to pick something by the time you reach the cashier.

[Dream] I do not want a grape.[Desire] I could make you want one.

By challenging the notion of what art is, Duchamp became a great artist. Also, Duchamp was a champion of Men’s Bathroom Attendants everywhere.

That was rather interesting,’ Mercer said as he filled his coffee mug and passed the thermal carafe to John. ‘What do you say for dinner? “Blessed be the serial killers, or else the devil would...

The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you’re fussing that he’s tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.

My fur coat doesn’t need to be dry cleaned, because it’s self-cleaning. It’s constantly licking its fur to keep itself clean. Beats walking through a car wash, like I used to do when I worked...

My love is greater than a cheese grater, and was instrumental in the creation of the pizza industry. And by instrumental I mean an acoustic guitar.

They seem nice, though, your sisters, really,’ Porcelain remarked.’Ha!’ I said. ‘Shows what little you know! I hate them!”Hate them? I should have thought you’d love them.”Of course I love them,’ I said…. ‘That’s why...

Lowering my chin, I sighed. What my Seth wanted, I wanted, but… daimons? I rubbed my hands on my bent knees and sighed again – louder, like a petulant child. Aiden’s back twisted as he...

I have always understood that money made in the patent medicine business is a practical bar to social success.

Animosity killed the elephant.

Welcome to the Information Jungle.

I don’t like breakfast—I prefer fixslow. I eat it like I devour your love, and it may take time, but we can put our relationship back together. Just pass me the maple syrup.

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. –Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical