I had no idea he thought he was funny, tried to be funny, or actually is funny until he made me laugh so hard I peed all over his feet at the urinal.

Wonders happen either way. With you or without you.

For a shadow, you hit like a sledgehammer!” The words barely escape before something else slams into the base of my skull embedding most of my upper body in the wall and all but removing...

You gonna count ’em out now? Because I’ll save you the trouble. There’s two.

New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you’re not visiting wineries in four days because you’re an oenophile, you’re doing it because you’re a drunk. It’s the only place in America...

Grandpa said I was speeding, but he drives as fast as a parked car, so anything that moves as fast as a statue is supersonic.

Look!” Mr. Poe said, who was still too far to help but close enough to see. “Genghis has an eye tattoo, like Count Olaf! In fact, I think he IS Count Olaf!””Of course he is!”...

When you’re on your deathbed, you won’t regret not having spent more time cleaning. Buy brown carpet, to camouflage the coffee stains.

If your arteries are good, eat more ice cream. If they are bad, drink more red wine. Proceed thusly.

Haven’t you ever heard of the saying, “If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!”?’ –LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!’ –Ed

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.

Enormous? Did you just call me FAT? I am not fat. – Jace

Hippos are the very definition of Disney cute. There is no way you could look at a big, fat, squishy, huggable hippo and not think, “Id she could talk like a human, she would sound...

No really I’m pretty sure voting mattered a scant 15 years ago but now it’s just a way to see how many old people live in your neighborhood.

One brick could be used to do the work of two men, if both men are dead. In this case, a blanket could be used to cover up their decomposing corpses.

Jericho stopped him before he left. He slid the ring off his finger and handed it to him. “Take this.”Asmodeus curled his lip as he shrank back from it. “I’m not about to marry your...

I’m a great dancer, and you can tell because I need to wear a football helmet when I’m feeling the rhythm. It’s not only for my safety, but also that of the safety covering my...

Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?I didn’t think it polite to listen, sir.

And seriously? No hands and knees. On his back, and go easy on the shoulder. Nothing strenuous—like the doc said, go easy.

I am a fact factory. I make things you can’t make up.

Why do you haunt me? You, like a tattoo on my tongue, like the bay leaf at the bottom of every pan. You who sprawled out beside me and sang my horoscope to a Schubert...

He thinks himself rather an exceptional young man, thoroughly sophisticated, well adjusted to his environment, and somewhat more significant than any one else he knows.

The Prince found Buttercup waiting unhappily outside his chamber doors.It’s my letter,’ she began. ‘I cannot make it right.’Come in, come in,’ the Prince said gently. ‘Maybe we can help you.’ She sat down in...

Sharks are so sleek and streamlined. I’d make a terrible shark, because my balls are so big and dangly.

Notwithstanding all that has been discovered since Newton’s time, his saying that we are little children picking up pretty pebbles on the beach while the whole ocean lies before us unexplored remains substantially as true...

Senior Republicans certainly expected the president to come clean over Miss Lewinsky.

Coffee has a way of waking my soul, much like drinking liquid heaven would.

My bookcase is all yours.”I walked to the door. “I’ve just decided that those are my favorite five words in the world.

WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING?! Oh, right.$1500.” From “Clown Porn” in “Broken Headbone

You ought to sue that son of a whore

I just made some ice cream soup—for winter, or the next time you visit Antarctica. It’s freezable and reheatable, like my love.

Post-traumatic stress disorder – otherwise known as “first day back from vacation.

Yes you can let a guy bite you but not on the first date! he has to pay for dinner ! But you can bite him on the first date at no cost that is...

Wealth—one billion, two billion, what’s the difference? The difference is one billion—the same difference as flat broke, like me, and one billion.

Y’know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy

Blessed are the organized, for they will gain everything that they’ll never lose.

Words are the bones. Writing is the lungs. Reading is like breathing.

I always keep the weather in my pocket, so no matter where I go, I always have something to talk about. Sudden thunderstorms embarrass me.

By stripping it of natural moisturizers, ethnic cleansers leave your ethnicity dry, wrinkled and flaky.

Military Wives—Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country.

Make your money make money: Buy a printing press and some blank currency paper.

I used to be into ‘forbidden fruit’, but I’ve moved on to‘verboten vegetables

Dear Non-American Black, when you make the choice to come to America, you become black. Stop arguing. Stop saying I’m Jamaican or I’m Ghanaian. America doesn’t care.

Courage is not beating up the bully or letting the bully beat you up, it is standing strong before the bully and seeing him for what he truly is: a child of God in need...

Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.

The TSA confused a bottle of perfume with a hand grenade. Talk about an embarrassing mistake – everybody knows perfume is far more lethal.

I am no coward sir! I shall stand and fight!””Well, I am,” said Sal. “So can we go… please?

My clones will look like me, and therefore I’ll treat them like myself—starting with spending all their hard-earned money. You can’t love someone else if you can’t first love yourself.

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they’re walking on

A man who claims to be 32 degrees is one freezing freemason. That man must make love with all the warmth of a shadowy secret.