My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it’ll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It’s like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.

You and I are saying the same thing, you’re just adding an extra ‘not’ at the beginning.

My father inherited my old looks.

I’ve fallen in love with baseball.

All men have parties and are pals who never let each other down. A pal can say terrible things which are forgotten the next day. A pal never forgives, he just forgets, and a woman...

Laughter is the best medicine

Fries with what? I haven’t ordered yet.

Writers don’t get mad they get even in their novels.

They say if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road. I say I’d rather be part of the road than the seat on the steamroller.

I never knew my father. I saw him at a party once, but he never walked over and introduced himself to me.

What are you about?” said the vehicle as a panel popped open to reveal delicate components. “I am not accustomed to such usage.”The little man said nothing, but began to rearrange connections and sever some...

… a metaphor … is like lying but more decorative.

After work, to unwind, I stand in the yard and act like a windmill. Plus, I never know when love will blow my way.

If instead of a handshake you hold out a fist for a fist bump, I’ll wrap my hand around your fist like it was a circular shower handle, and toggle between hot and cold a...

Watching Jace hug Isabelle, she tried to school her features into a happy and loving expression.”Are you all right?” Simon asked, with some concern. “Your eyes are crossing.

Then again, if your right hand did know what your left hand was doing, wouldn’t that be kind of creepy?

I’m going to name my firstborn son 0123456789, because I want him to learn to count before he learns the alphabet. And my second son I’ll call 01, because I want him to get into...

What life is to humor, humor is to life.

Heaven has no taste. Now—and not one single sushi restaurant. A look of pain crossed the angel’s suddenly very serious face.

If you bulk order enough sound, you get a discount by volume. The guys in the warehouse know me by the codename Helen Keller.

I love you” is alive and well.

Isabelle snorted, “All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon.””You noticed,” said Simon. “I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual,” added Magnus. “Please never say those words in front...

I believe that ignorance is the root of all evil.And that no one knows the truth.

Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s the word my soul is trying to say.

It’s much like piracy. You tell your enemies that if they don’t fall in line, you’ll leave them to die.

Yes, she’d made a mistake… but she wasn’t going to be bullied. You couldn’t let boys go around raining on your lava and ogling other people’s watercolors.

Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to...

The more I know, the more I realize that I don’t know much at all…

And while I’m committing incest for you is there anything else you’d like? Maybe a side-order of bestiality?

Baby, you’re so much of a woman, you turn me off when I hold you.

Standing around making ten dollars an hour—that’s what they pay me the big bucks for.

Sustained thinking is very difficult for them.

The only really sane person in there is Igor, and possibly the turnip. And I’m not sure about the turnip.

It’s impossible to walk through solid rock… You have to walk between the molecules that make up the rock.

A brick could be used as a doorstop. But that’s obvious. What isn’t obvious is why somebody would want to stop a door, since doors represent openness. What is that person hiding behind that door...

[on Martin Freeman playing Bilbo Baggins] It was great. I got to hang out with him, and I kept a straight face for a bit and then I started giggling because I know Martin, I...

Motherhood is a constant battle of wanting to go to bed early so you can catch up on sleep and wanting to stay awake so you can enjoy some peace and sanity!

Hamlet’s Cat’s Soliloquy”To go outside, and there perchance to stayOr to remain within: that is the question:Whether ’tis better for a cat to suffer The cuffs and buffets of inclement weatherThat Nature rains on those...

It’s not like there’s a law against flying.””Yes there is. The law of gravity.

‘Luck is my middle name,’ said Rincewind, indistinctly. ‘Mind you, my first name is Bad.’

Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I haven’t made dinner yet.

In Jacksonville, people respect people. Rodney Dangerfield would have loved it here.

New Rule: It’s okay for the president to play ball in the house. It’s easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House–until you consider the end zone is...

Nick spoke for the first time. “Can I go to the nurse’s office too?” Ms. Popplewell looked at him It obviously took her only one look to decide. “No.””I’m traumatized too,” Nick claimed, his voice...

In all, his outfit required nearly two thousand man-years of research and development, eight barrels of oil, and sixteen patent and trademark infringement lawsuits. All so he could possess casual style. A style that, in...

It’s because his wife left him. That’s why he’s acting funny. She left him the other night. While she was putting her bags into the taxi he was outside on the footpath begging her to...

Who knows how to make love stay?1. Tell love you are going to Junior’s Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake, and if loves stays, it can have half. It will...

With 87 other Elvis impersonators, I’m going to take over the world. Starting with Vegas. We will gyrate our hips out of love, and to end world hunger.

In elementary school, in my lunchbox, I used to pack a saxophone. I could have been a chef, a culinary artist, and all that jazz.

I Believe in Bonnie and Clyde the sign read. Finn read it again, and then again, not sure what to make of it. Then he looked at Bonnie and shrugged. “So?” … “So?” she hissed....