No,” said Luis, “You can’t date the Lord of the Night Court.””Well, I’m not, he dumped me.””You can’t get dumped by the lord of the night court.””Oh, yes, you can. You so completely can.

The punishment for misbehaving in hell is a trip to Cleveland. Or maybe making love to the same person for eternity.

You are a more powerful person than you might have ever imagined.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

My great-great grandfather and I were the best of friends, although we never met

Networking is like fishing. Just give some beer and a boat and I’ll be in business.

One day she was going to be found dead mid-hump on a polyurethane phallus

I gave her a sideways bitter beer smirk, and then I ripped a whole chicken apart and threw it at the waiter and said, This place is too weird for me.

A gentleman, my Lord Father, is such whether he is on earth or on the treetops

Kalist is in his office with the door shut, secretly adding the final touches to his new Brichacek doll; she’s got rosy, plaster cheeks and his nose hairs for pubes, although he thinks he might...

It stands to reason that anyone who learns to live well will die well. The skills are the same: being present in the moment, and humble, and brave, and keeping a sense of humor. (361)

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

Pointed teeth would give one an appearance of ferocity,” he said, tapping a straight white tooth. “Although that might require one to follow through with biting someone from time to time, and the thought is...

For me, adoption was grief in reverse.

18 rules for not getting caught. 1-17: don’t tell anybody. #18: not even your clone.

Tonight at 8:00. My bed. Bring a friend, and I’ll show you how to make a Snuggle Sandwich.

Love does not cost anything. Kind words and deeds do not cost anything. The real beauty of the world is equal for everyone to see. It was given by God equally to all, without restrictions....

I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.

Pepperonis are like edible polkadots. I made you a pizza dress, but I’m ashamed to admit I burned it. I’m afraid you’ll have to dance naked.

You’re only as old as you feel.

I can’t tell you how much I love kissing ass. Especially wealthy, cellulose-stippled ass. But I’ll smile as big as a personified yellow circle and assure the hiring manager that I was born to serve....

I went to a gun range and shot a man made out of paper. That paper man must have had a brother, and I fear one day that paper man’s brother is going to shoot...

Disco’s are tricky. You look a total wally if you dance too early but after one crucial song tips the disco over, you look a sad saddo if you don’t.

The Little Boy and the Old ManSaid the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.”Said the old man, “I do that too.”The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.”I do that too,” laughed the little...

With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked...

I mean, I am totally not one of those prudes who believe having sex as a teenager is some kind of mortal sin or social death. I don’t have a problem with sex. I just...

As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone.

Halved. That was every time. My laughter was for idiots, for their unjustifiable idiocy and for myself for an unrelenting conviction to them, for that unforgivable instance I leveled myself to them. At that awkward...

it’s as if the universe has a sense of humor, since at a deep level it’s impossible not to lead a spiritual life…the universe is living through you at this moment. with or without belief...

Schizophrenia. And I’m still having it.”

Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted it on the way down—and then again on the way up.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

This book will prove the following ten facts:1. A Goon is a being who melts into the foreground and sticks there.2. Pigs have wings, making them hard to catch.3. All power corrupts, but we need...

This is the day the Lord has made, suck it up and rejoice.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

My boxers have salad dressing stains on them, and my dishwasher is broken. I’ll make dinner for you, if you clean up afterwards.

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off, and went home to masturbate.

I bowl with cannonballs, because this is war, 1863 style. I could probably bowl a perfect 300 game using only half the deaths at Gettysburg.

Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus...

Everything in this room is edible. Even I’m edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.

Fish strips—where food meets getting naked. My love is also nourishing and nude, and if you want to see it, you’re going to have to get in line with the rest of the starving perverts.

[regarding a toothache] It made me realize how much one’s mind is at the mercy of one’s physical well-being, as at times I felt quite demented. My admiration for people who withhold information under torture...

12 million Gertrudes agree—their name isn’t Gertrude. I know, because I asked them out to coffee, and only one responded. She said yes to coffee—and no to me.

Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist’s career.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.- Simon Hunt