Dear mom, My lieutenant is a prostitute. Can you please send me more lunch money, as her rates have recently increased.

Like plumbing, medicine is a profession where you learn early on not to put your fingers in your mouth.

Parker fixated on the envelope’s precise penmanship as she lifted it. Her grandmother rarely took the time to write her own name in the return address, let alone give it the aesthetic attention that this...

Consider this a fair warning.

I worked for one day, and left with two days in my back pocket. I couldn’t stuff them in my crotch, because my erection took up all my pants and half the kitchen.

You use magic to start the fire.

It’s me and you, or me and knitting. Don’t make me choose. Ugh, #love.

I’d say my writing voice is original, and I don’t think you’ll find another quite like it. This makes me sad, because when all my clones arrive sometime in the future, their only hope is...

As a little girl I always expected that one day adventure would happen to me—someday a tornado would whisk me away to Oz, or I’d fall down a rabbit hole, or David Bowie would kidnap...

If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.

The US has the highest incarceration rate in the world. I don’t want to release the prisoners—I want to lease them. If they’re not going to work, they might as well not work for me.

[Hades] returned his attention to the playlist while I eased the car back on the road. His fingers flipped deftly over the screen. ‘Orpheus…Dusk…Orpheus…Dusk…do you have anything on here that doesn’t make people want to...

Ms. Wrack’s mother, Mrs. Wrack, had been a mermaid: a proper one who lived on a rock and combed her hair and sang. But sailors had never been lured to their doom by her, partly...

The best time to complain is right after you’ve come up with a solution to the problem. Pose the questions, present the answers, and then pose nude while the people make statues out of you...

Hookers, Hondas and Hollywood all approach customers with a different mindset than the rest of the business world. Whereas most businesses talk about the importance of “customer service,” agents, mechanics and people of the night...

The Maker of the universe with stars a hundred thousand light-years apart was interested, furious, and very personal about it if a small boy played baseball on Sunday afternoon.

You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story.

Fortunately, he’d found that most people were easy to locate at five thirty in the morning. .

I bet you see a branding iron too,” Jules snickered. Lynn’s thoughtful gaze trailed after him as the bartender returned to making drinks.

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.

Don’t Panic.

Working in the hotel business I have learned a lot about people. It’s amazing what you can discover about someone by watching them when they don’t know you are watching, especially if they are asleep.

To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard.

With the development of the printing press, not only could text be mass-produced quickly, it could also be mass-produced quickly and incorrectly.

If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll feel teal a little later.

To fit the individual to live and to function in the institutional life of his day.

Growing up I was so poor I wore coffee cups as shoes. The good part was my feet never fell asleep.

Everything stinks till it’s finished.

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I’m in the wrong building.

Ha, Euann put a mint in there.

Audrey Hepburn, as famous as she was, packed her own suitcases… I don’t know why that struck me, but it did. ‘She has a servant’s heart,’ I thought.

Never tell people when to meet; tell them when to leave.

Exactly!” said Deep Thought. “So once you do know what the question actually is, you’ll know what the answer means.

Water is like love, but love is not like water. No, because if it were, I’d be the camel of love.

I welcome reviews from all readers. I take criticism well; but please . . . no comments on my author face!

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

If you want to go foraging into the wilds of Canada without proper gear, you deserve what you get, even if that happens to include being attacked by an undead moose.

A shadow is midnight’s whisper, I thought as I shouted at my invisible clone. Killing your own clone is the only time you could commit murder and suicide at the same time by killing just...

The morning came pouring down on my night, but luckily I was able to convert my erection into an umbrella.

[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I’ve got a great word and it’s on a “Double word score” box! Hobbes: “ZQFMGB” isn’t a word! It doesn’t even have a vowel! Calvin: It is...

I’ve done tangos with men who thought my ass was a squeaky toy.

when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up and write “Fuck you” right under your nose.

Strange, how in all those apocalyptic movies, when their society breaks down into lawlessness and anarchy, Canada is always the haven of safety, the place people want to escape to.

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.

I yell at yellow like I purr at pink. If they were more fluid, I’d pour meows in my morning coffee.

Susie: Hi Calvin! Aren’t you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff!Calvin:All I’ve got to say is they’re not making me...

I had lied so much lately that I was honestly surprised my pants weren’t literally made of fire.

Come buy from me what you could rent elsewhere. Like a Like button or a wiggly wrench—or donuts that yesterday would have been free at the store next to mine.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.