How’s your grandpa?””Still worried that your blackness will infect me.””That’s the plan. First you, then all the other blondes, and then on to brunettes and redheads. Once we have the womenfolk, all the babies will...

It’s the bane of my existence.”- Beth and Jake

I’ll make Chad to you. By that I mean I’ll leave late and come early.

When I smell small, my nose gets clogged up. Think what would happen if I whiffed medium or large.

Have you ever heard of the expression, ladies first” “Yes””Well, it’s truer in bed than it is anywhere else.

She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn’t make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape!...

If a snake was covered in musical scales, rather than nonsensical fur, then I’d like to pet it with my ears while I sleep for just a few more minutes.

A man’s subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and...

We shouldn’t judge people. But there’s a difference between judging and observing. And sometimes as we observe, our eyebrows become raised. Observation with an attitude, that’s what I like to call it.

Despite being named Scott, I really like not being named Scott. I make love like I have no idea what my name is or where I’m at or why there’s always one guy in the...

He was a glass half full kind of person and she was…what? The glass is going to break before you can even pour kind of person. Yikes.

It’s hot. I’m sweatin’. I don’t want to go campin’,” his voiced pitched high to mock me.

I don’t want you to do anything.-Well then I won’t do anything. -Thank you. -Doing nothing, it’s the least I can do.

He said he didn’t think he is good, but you can tell that secretly he thinks he’s good. And he’s right—he’s not good.

I dodged behind Mac for cover and refused to take the bait. I glanced at my nonexistent watch. ‘Oops, look at the time. Guess I have to be going now. Let’s not do this again...

As far as I’m concerned, if something is so complicated that you can’t explain it in 10 seconds, then it’s probably not worth knowing anyway.

She’s a whore. She won’t sleep with me!

It’s only life. We all get through it.

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. “I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

It’s December in Florida, and there are still a few leaves clinging on the branches for dear summer.

Love makes sense to me in the same way that this statement might make sense to you: Parakeets flock like sheep flock like wool covers your eyes like a bald kidnap victim willingly locked in...

Writer’s block’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘I don’t feel like doing any work today.

Specifically, I’d like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it’s less wasteful.

Once you finish having sex, what is there to do but start over?

That woman could spread gossip faster than the flu in a whorehouse.

If you say anything, it just gets worse.

Mainstream news wants to keep you as a useful idiot. Instead, try being a non-useful idiot.

Knowledge is ignorance. I know so much that I know I know so little. I used to think your name was a synonym for love, but now I just don’t know.

The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.

Happy endings. *Groan*

It’s the idea that people living close to nature tend to be noble. It’s seeing all those sunsets that does it. You can’t watch a sunset and then go off and set fire to your...

I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.

Percy: You just hit the lord of the titans with a blue plastic hairbrush.

When your done releasing sexual tensions, we have a meeting to continue!”~Francis Bonnefoy, Hetalia, English Dub

I am a rebel! But I don’t want people to agree with my views, because if everyone agreed with me then I wouldn’t be rebellious anymore. Did you hear what I heard? Because I heard...

Just don’t ask me to take sides when the two of you go at each other. Okay?”They nodded, then looked at each other. Finn waggled his eyebrows in a suggestive manner, and Bria snorted. But...

Baumauer secretly fears Kalist – and Kalist knows it.

Let’s make Kool-Aid together. I’ll bring the Kool-Aid and the sugar, if you water down the sex.

He’s crazy,” Bruno said, twirling a finger in circles around the side of his head and whistling to indicate just how crazy he thought he was. “He went up to a cat on the street...

Only cowards cook on “low.

On a clear day I can see NYC. I just have to turn on the TV.

We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.

It was 1976.It was one of the darkest days of my life when that nurse, Mrs. Shimmer, pulled out a maxi pad that measured the width and depth of a mattress and showed us how...

Fact: upon locking yourself our of your apartment you will immediately need to use the bathroom. Fact: and then you will stand in place and watch your door. You will just stare. As though rebuffed...

I have the sex drive of a parked car.

Written on her tombstone: “I told you I was sick.

If the self-help books worked, it would be a shrinking industry not a growing one.

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.

I often think about a life of crime. But alas, politics isn’t for me.

Think for youself but not because I said so!