A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

You don’t need the Bible to tell you the flesh is weak. Just pinch it and find out for yourself.

I wish the military were the militerary. Less fighting and more reading.

Beth from accountingis just sitting in her careating spaghetti.

It’s said that sport is the civilised society’s substitute for war, and also that the games we play as children are designed to prepare us for the realities of adult life. Certainly it’s true that...

Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go around looking for it, and I think it can be poisonous. I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each...

I don’t know what the old you was like, but the new you, the older you than the old you, is new and fresh.

I’m with the Homework Police. Recruitment is up 20% since kids stopped learning about fractions.

I naively believe that self-love is 80 percent of the solution, that it helps beyond words to take yourself through the day as you would with your most beloved mental-patient relative, with great humor and...

Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health.

True love is rare, like a good steak. Help me cut it up.

I say the same thing about the death of James Wait. “Oh, well — he wasn’t going to write the Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony anyway.

Sometimes I wonder if the human race isn’t collectively as mad as a sack of door knobs.

Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it.

There’s almost always a church youth group at the soup kitchen. I have yet to see an atheists’ youth group. Yeah, I know, religious people don’t have a monopoly on doing good. I’m sure that...

That’s not a religion, that’s Pokemon.

I dance for a living. At the early bird special you can find me—doing the worm.

The government of my country snubs honest simplicity but fondles artistic villainy, and I think I might have developed into a very capable pickpocket if I had remained in the public service a year or...

Even first love dies.

Politician you out.

Trains are great dirty smoky things,” said Will. “You won’t like it.” Tessa was unmoved. “I won’t know if I like it until I try it, will I?” “I’ve never swum naked in the Thames...

Here, why don’t I carry that for you?” I was in stupid love.

Constipation ran Presley’s life. Even his famous motto TCB— ’Taking Care of Business’— sounds like a reference to bathroom matters.

My amazing feat features shoes (and feet)—it’s how far I’d walk for love. Guess how far? However far it is from the point I ran out of gas to wherever she is, assuming she’s hanging...

She must have said wear flip-flops, but I heard flippers. I might not have been able to run fast, but oh could I swim. Like a dolphin. Mahi-mahi yum!

Most investigators don’t even know what the word means. You stop the cops from using informants and the only crimes they’d ever solve would be those by deranged postal workers who come to work once...

I made plans out of hope, expectation, desire, and duct tape, and I broke those plans with my bare hands.

Turning to Turnip, Miss Dempsey said, ‘Do you think?’. ‘As little as I can,’ Turnip replied honestly.

You’re mine and I wouldn’t let you prostitute yourself for pizza. Now go put on a shirt,” I said, pulling two slices onto a plate.

They do say money is the root of all evil.”I thought that was supposed to be the love of money.”There’s neat for you. ‘Tis them without it that loves it best.

I like ducks.” Jem observed diplomatically. “Esspecially the ones in Hyde Park.” He glanced side ways at Will; both boys were sitting at the edge of a high table, thier legs dangling over the side....

…heaven wouldn’t be like this earth, this tormented earth ruled by evil forces that tossed humanity to and fro like a slow clown in a two-bit rodeo.

I’m not stubborn. My way is just better.

It’s always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics’ ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they’ll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

Bombs Away!” he yelled, swooping low over StregaSchloss. He saw little figures on the ground fleeing from the large green projectile that was speeding their way. “And a direct hit, if I’m not mistaken,” he...

You know that feeling you get when you pass by a cop doing like 20 over, when your stomach hits the floor and you get weak in the knees and it seams like time just...

As though she were asking me where some sort of unusual wine could be obtained, she inquired fretfully and worriedly: ‘Jack, have you any idea where I could find some presentable loose women?’ I had...

Oh yeah,” Zane says and smirks at me. “I had her for dinner once. Best meal of my life.

What if a statue of me walked past my clone frozen in thought? Which one of the two would make a better quarterback than Geno Smith?

When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own slimy, wormlike words. But until the time that the sky and the sea...

The only real recourse that [Russian] people had against tsarist rule was violence and rebellion. It was once remarked that Russia’s constitution was “absolutism moderated by assassination.

Coffee is for lovers. So if you don’t drink coffee, you must be asexual, and I’d love to study your mating ritual.

If it doesn’t make sense, it’s usually not true.

After being videotaped, I found that I talk a lot with my hands. Especially if my hands are covered with socks. I guess I get really nervous on first dates.

Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.

You get used to success and you start to expect it—and that’s when you fail. Luckily for me, I can’t possibly fail, precisely because I always fail.

The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped.

I’m an understanding guy, even when I’m standing over you.

Along with the concept of American Dream runs the notion that every man and woman is entitled to an opinion and to one vote, no matter how ridiculous that opinion might be or how uninformed...

Here’s your first problem,” he said, pointing at a sentence. “‘Religion is the opium of the people.’ Well, I don’t know about people, but I think you’ll find that the opium of pirates is actual...