Three men walk into a bar. The third guy’s name is 333. The first guy’s name is The Second Guy, and the second guy’s name is I’m Not Lying. One of these men is not...

And I’m not saying it’s a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I’m saying is that if you get, I don’t know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid,...

I used to look at Jinks and marvel at her smooth complexion, but over the years I have come to realise that she has been spared wrinkles by virtue of never having succumbed to heavy...

I want to type one of my books into a free online translation website, and convert it from English to German and then publish the results as an exercise in the absurd.

I’ve got two jobs to do. One of those jobs is to not cry. It’s not a job, but it is in its isn’tness. I could go for either a cup of coffee, or an...

Easy. Peasy

Happiness is a warm puppy.

Soul mates are said to be two souls destined to be together, programmed to recognize each other across time and space. I didn’t know whether that was the truth, but I was inclined to believe...

Well, you’re going to—on endless repeat until you start talking.

When I shoot, the ball bounces hard against the backboard, and flies wildly through the air, knocking the coach in the head. I slap a hand over my mouth. The coach barely catches herself from...

A pen is like a switchblade you can actually write with—and pull off a successful mugging with.

I messed around once with a woman named Twice. But it won’t happen a third time.

Be careful what you tell me. You could end up in my next novel.

I hate girls that giggle all the time… You hate any girl that David looks at.

Tell this guy to eat a hundred-calorie pack of dicks.

I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I’m not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

My STD test results came back, and sure enough, I’m a genius.

We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.

In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness.

Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I’m cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

There are more quarrels smothered by just shutting your mouth, and holding it shut, than by all the wisdom in the world.

Once upon a time she had liked to dance. When she had been about the same age as the little brunette out there who kept lifting her dress up over her head. Now that was...

Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God’s gift to Women – Griffin

A person crying is like a sponge wringing itself out. Love is better than a sink that turns itself off without you having to touch the handle.

I want a one-bedroom house with cup holders. I want to live in my car, and make the road my home.

They-” He stopped and just blinked at me for a minute. “You know, people are always saying that you’re cuckoo. Looney Tunes. Off the freaking edge. But I tell ’em, no, she’s okay. She’s got...

BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL!

Her family had of late been exceedingly fluctuating. For many years of her life she had had two sons; but the crime and annihilation of Edward a few weeks ago, had robbed her of one;...

A brick could be used to brighten up your day, like a lampshade over the sun dangling down over your dining room table. You’d better apply sunscreen to your ice cream or it’ll likely melt...

I am your Prince and you will marry me,” Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, “I am your servant and I refuse.””I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.””I am your loyal servant and I just did.””Refusal means...

A nation’s not a child, for God’s sake. … It’s like a wild horse you tame by breaking it. Or a fiery woman you slap till she sees sense and warms your bed.

Why did I ever wake up!” he cried.

Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman...

Bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, naked bride of Beimerstetten,” and he imagines a procession of proud military men blowing trumpets as they stomp through a bomb-devastated town to the tune of...

You’ve got no sense of humor.””I’m going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass.

A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is my bed. Why don’t you come over, and I’ll teach you the art...

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

Mummy can we keep him?” Madeleine asked with the wide eyes of a burgeoning crush.”Darling, little boys make terrible pets,” Mrs. Masterson offered with a wink.”That’s not true at all, Mummy. They’re hypoallergenic, much easier...

She’s not a pothead. That thing on her neck is a vase. And anyway, I’m all for legalization. After all, why should surrealism be illegal?

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being...

An overnight bag with the company logo – a white silhouette of a finch (which once perched on the curved back of a stallion representing cofounder, Orwell, but has now been ‘adjusted’) – sits motionless...

Well, I always did want to go out in a Braveheart kind of way. I’ll just have to think of something cool to yell before they cut my head off.

Come to think of it, she did not speak a word. Yet I could have sworn she had the most beautiful voice.

Wisteria hangs over the eaves like clumps of ghostly grapes. Euphorbia’s pale blooms billow like sea froth. Blood grass twists upward, knifing the air, while underground its roots go berserk, goosing everything in their path....

I love the newspaper. I love reading fiction.

For me, boviscopophobia (=the morbid fear of being seen as bovine) is an even stronger motive than semi-agoraphobia for staying on the ship when we’re in port.

Neden genetik?-Hmm… Çünkü takıntılı ebeveynlere hayallerindeki iBebek’leri tasarlamaları için yardım etme hayalim var. Beyaz ırk, zayıf, sarı saç, mavi göz, sağlıklı, mümkünse erkek, mümkün olsun erkek olsun lütfen doktor hanım, sayısalcı ve heteroseksüel.

If I was in deep shit with Lilian before, I was snorkeling at the waste treatment plant now.

Don’t alter my altar. I don’t believe you don’t believe.