So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief.

I am Dead, but it’s not so bad. I’ve learned to live with it.

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble.

I put my deodorant on like I’m painting my armpits with a paintbrush. Art is everywhere and in everything—especially love.

They say that ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don’t think you’d kill too many people.

There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she had swallowed an east wind. This I took to be due to the fact that she probably hadn’t breakfasted. It’s only after...

Why are we learning about the past, when this is History?

My fur is silky, damn it.

Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant.

A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can’t wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to...

I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described love.

Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast.

A blanket could be used to ward off warts. I tested it out last Tuesday on my Aunt Velma, and she doesn’t have a wart on her body. It’s probably true that she didn’t have...

A brick could be used to test how fast you throw a baseball, if, you know, baseballs were cube-shaped and integral to the construction of houses.

If you’ve never been in a dumpster coated with industrial waste while someone stabs you with a piece of sharpened rebar, then you probably wouldn’t understand.

Sometimes I get advice from the fictional characters in my dreams. Sometimes It’s good, and sometimes it’s nonsensical.

But I still have no cash flow. I need a job, or the gift of prophecy and a plane ticket to Las Vegas.

Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You’ve Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager,...

A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I say go, Don’t!

The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread!” he screamed.CHICKEN!” the crowd responded.Rice!”PEAS!”And then, all together: “WE GOT HIGHER SATs.”Hip Hip Hip Hooray!” the Colonel cried.YOU’LL BE WORKIN’ FOR US SOMEDAY!

Just friends it is then” he says not perturbed and starts eating his lunch.

Hello little one. Did you know you’re on private property?””Really? I had no idea.” Meryn fudged. He raised an eyebrow. “The ten foot fence right behind you didn’t give it away?

No, we are building a joke.”

I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it’s better to sneak out.

I’ve never, ever, ever — in my entire life — fought over a man. I’ve fought women who’ve hit me because of a man, but then I was fighting to bust her ass, not defend...

A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power.

I can’t forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen,” I said. “I’m a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become...

Don’t forget, I didn’t choose to come to here. I was kidnapped and forced to live here by your marvelous Pemdas warriors, who are interested in Earth only as it serves to keep ‘your beautiful...

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

If I have to tell you it is, it isn’t.

Here you’ll find everything you don’t need—and much less!

Not that I haven’t leaped up into the blinding light of competence now and then. It’s sustaining the altitude that defeats me.

A brick could be used to separate the Jorges from the hoorays.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

Elizabeth: “Your balls, Mr. Darcy?”Darcy: “They belong to you, Miss Bennett.

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

I wake up to write stuff down all night. Useful things like this: To more efficiently make love nocturnally, I must combine the best characteristics of bats, bears, and my Uncle Norman who disappeared in...

The best part about love is it’ll still be around long after I’m dead. That’s also the worst part.

It isn’t dopa…whatever! It’s love! Love!

Bricks, bricks, and bricks could be used instead of gold, silver, and bronze medals in the Olympics. If all an athlete cares about is winning, then I’ll take the precious metal off the international communities’...

If you give a man a hammer, he thinks he can solve all problems by pounding. Well, God gave men penises….

Anyway, it was Oscar who called me to remind me that our nephew, Lydia’s son Garnett, was turning eleven years old. Fuck my life. I hated that kid. He smelled like asparagus, and he sweated...

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are...

On the frozen tundra, I milked a cow and pumped out ice cream. Strangely, it had chunks of strawberries in it.

Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.

A blanket could be used to put the war in warm. Just paint the blanket like an American flag, and then try to convince the world that they are cold and need us to stop...

Lone women shouldn’t stop in the middle of nowhere for giant unkempt strangers with duct tape on their faces.

Sometimes the way to a man’s heart is through his talleywacker.