You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half price.

If you could burn calories just by crying… I would be a skinny woman.”-Casey King, Fingerlike

What’s the big idea?” Sabrina demanded. “I declared war on you, remember?” Puck said. Sabrina rolled her eyes. “Is this another one of your stupid pranks?” Puck sniffed. “You have contaminated me with your puberty...

You never forget how to ride a bicycle—or the first time you made love on one. I’ve made love on a bicycle twice, to two women—both times were with both women. Foreplay is amazingly difficult...

You two go ahead and make out–I’ll just sit here and bleed quietly.

I was once attacked by a Federal park. But due to governmental inefficiencies, I had to report it to highway patrol.

It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m just a kitten.

I realized I was going to get through this disappointing service, and anyway, you have to be somewhere: better here, where I have heard truth spoken so often, than, say, at the DMV, or home...

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get...

I have a spreadsheet of all the women I’d like to spread and sheet. Your mom is on my list. So is your grandma, may she rest in peace.

What really holds their marriage together are mutual respect of an awesome depth, a shared sense of humor, faith that they were brought together by a force greater than themselves, and a love so unwavering...

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it’s for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don’t...

I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie.

I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, “My God! I...

Fuck you,” said Czernobog. “Fuck you and fuck your mother and fuck the fucking horse you fucking rode in on. You will not even die in battle. No warrior will taste your blood. No one...

I can see how being invisible would be a good love-making strategy. It’s the ultimate fantasy—because all you can do is fantasize.

He quite liked dentists’ waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.

I was an at-risk youth. I was in danger of becoming an adult.

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

I had two cups of coffee, put Eric’s jeans in the washer, read a romance for awhile, and studied my brand-new Word of the Day calendar, a Christmas gift from Arlene. My first word of...

If you fail to report within the next 12 hours. you will be terminated. If you attack any humans, you will be terminated. If you attempt to remove the tracking device, you will be terminated....

If I could make one wish, I wouldn’t ask for world peace. I’d wish for a real zombie apocalypse. I’ll take Romero zombies any day over this counterfeit harmony bullshit.

I promise I’ll never tell.””Don’t promise that,” he said in an ultraserious voice. “If they try to hurt you and the only way to protect yourself is to tell them what you know about me,...

There are two ways to look at life. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone’s life is entropy. The...

I had to sell my cigarette boat, for fear it would cause cancer.

It means ‘Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234’.

However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college...

Dear people of the world: If any of you have exceeded my expectations, it’s because I expect nothing from nobody.

Oh God, Oh God we’re all gonna die doesn’t really fit the definition of banter, now does it?

I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

I’m a competitor. I once placed fifth in a bottle of whiskey.

Alec looked at her and shook his head. “How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?”Isabelle shrugged philosophically. “I’m pure at heart. It repels the dirt.

Have you ever kissed anybody?” he asked and took a sip.I smirked. “There aren’t a whole lot of opportunitiesin the digital world. I did practice on my hand once. It didn’t do anything for me”.Justin...

Can you ever really say you know anybody—your clone included? Still, if my clone’s birthday were coming up, I’d only shop Buy One Get One Free deals.

The only direction not represented in their construction was vertical.

My love is popular. It must be, because I never have any. Is it because I don’t produce any, or because I’m always sold out?

As a rule,I believe people shouldn’t follow rules;rules should follow people.

Also, I’m sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me—and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick.

I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you any indication of my character.

We are gods with anuses.

I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off...

For the celebration I got champagne flutes, even though I’m not musical. That night I felt like Mozart. He was a drunk, right?

Caliph Vathek and his dark hordeAre bound for Hell, you won’t be bored!Your faith in me will be restored—Unless this token you find untowardAnd my poor gift you have ignored.

Don’t ruin it. The moment is too rare.

Two hearts that beat as one, and they’re both mine. I’ve got them hooked up to a synchometer.

Hey, I notice you look like you’re coming down off a meth binge and smell vaguely of algae. Were you perchance dancing with a snakebit Margo Roth Spiegelman a couple of hours ago?

The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people’s sides all of her life.

The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.

Phones with numerical keypads worked best for dialing phone calls. Incidentally, phone calls tend to be the primary function of a phone. ‘Smartphones’ completely ignore these basic facts, resulting in some of the least intelligent...