I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

If you jotted down all of my ill-thought out comments, you could write a book entitled, Guide to Getting Punched in the Throat for Boneheads-Mad Hatter in “Death of the Mad Hatter” (Coming Soon!)

Feel free to become a slave to your own clone. And mine. Remember, you can never have too many lovers who look exactly the same as me.

Ruth Cole was a novelist; novelists are not at their best when they go off half-cocked. She believed that she would prepare what she was going to tell the police – preferably in writing.

they were looking for housekeepers and cooks, and I was dying to get out of Australia and see the rest of the world. It’s a Sagittarius thing, you know. We just move on and on,...

The ability to lick their own asses, does this make cats their own bosses?

The house I grew up in is one of a kind. It’s a bibliophile’s fantasy, and if the Library of Congress had a little brother who was a midget, you could find him residing in...

I’ve learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one.

If I could get back my youth, I’d do anything in the world except get up early, take exercise or be respectable.

My fate is sealed, like a new jar of peanut butter, but that doesn’t mean it has to be crunchy.

Before I could turn to look up, a voice boomed from the heavens: “What the heck is going on down there?

… she gave me a look that deftly combined tenderness with revulsion. To this day the memory of that look still visits me like a Jehovah’s Witness: uninvited and tireless.

To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.

Our meeting will keep, but my meatloaf and bowl of masturbation in the fridge won’t. Everybody at the political campaign loves when I bring food.

MenThey hail you as their morning starBecause you are the way you are.If you return the sentiment,They’ll try to make you different;And once they have you, safe and sound,They want to change you all around.Your...

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

Pugs Not Drugs

There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

It was one of those perfect New York October afternoons, when the explosion of oranges and yellows against the bright blue sky makes you feel like your life is passing through your fingers, that you’ve...

Viele Wege führen zum Mops, keiner an ihm vorbei!

Nobody is either honest or dishonest. Life is a gradient, and a saint might be an 8.7, and a dirtbag politician might be a 1.2. Interestingly, piss and shit are numerically represented by 1 and...

The other day, we went somewhere, and did something.

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it’s actually faulty storage media.

I’m so much more scared of white guys than black guys. Like an angry black guys would pull out a gun and be like ‘Yo, I’m coming back with my cousins and we’re gonna funck...

There’s a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it’ll drive you insane or to genius

Life sucks, then you die. Then it sucks again.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it’s certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

Bosses are like assholes—everybody’s got one. Well, everyone except the unemployed. But still, bosses are like assholes, in that they are assholes.

I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.

Wanna analyze my pocket litter?

After a lot of stalling and posturing, I finally admitted I had feelings for her. Most notably I felt anger and resentment, and a few less positive emotions.

Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose…. and when you revel in victory, make like it’s a dirty win

Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

My cat has long hair. Like a hippy. It gets annoying because I can’t get him to shut up about Vietnam. I can’t relate, because I wasn’t there. Neither was he, because like I said,...

I make my own luck, and I make it in a pot. Then I bring it to potlucks.

If he’s getting married, he’s not longer interesting.

The baloney weighed the raven down, and the shopkeeper almost caught him as he whisked out the delicatessen door.

I might be half Derek’s size, but I was the one who sounded like a two-hundred-pound beast plowing through the woods.

Mind you, I’m a fine one to talke. I mean, I killed myself and just look at me now: I’m a qualified pilot, I can escape from a cockpit in five metres of water and...

What if leaves changed shape as well as color? You can teach a man to fish, or you can introduce him to a woman named Fish who happens to look like a trout.

I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a...

You haven’t got a letter on yours,” George observed. “I suppose she thinks you don’t forget your name. But we’re not stupid-we know we’re called Gred and Forge.

Secret 4.1023020. War is politics by other meanies.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

Two gorgeous guys slaving in the kitchen. Doesn’t get any better than this.”You have low standards,’ Chait grinned over his shoulder and dropped bread into the toaster. ‘If I had two hot girls in my...

I am not the No Factory I yessed into existence. I love with an intensity that needs to be felt to be purred.

Too many people talk about the weather, and not enough people talk about agriculture. When somebody says to me, “Beautiful weather we’re having,” I always reply, “Irrigation and crop rotation.

My Zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave.Seems more logical than undergoing all kinds of hardships only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped...

The Law of Meetings: Few are the meeters, many are the meetees.

The fact that mammalian crying serves as a cue for maternal support, rather than as a dinner bell, is a major evolutionary difference.