In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to...

Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.

There is one thing that has disappeared, not just from the U.S. but from the entire world, is the idea of ever being embarrassed by anything.

Think before you speak. Read before you think.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death.

My favorite animal is steak.

I prefer dead writers because you don’t run into them at parties.

People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason...

The best fame is a writer’s fame. It’s enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.

The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people’s sides all of her life.

Magazines all too frequently lead to books and should be regarded by the prudent as the heavy petting of literature.

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the...

All the time I’m not writing I feel like a criminal. It’s horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It’s much more relaxing to actually write.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

There’s no equivalent to Mozart in writing.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.