There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.

I love trash. I have never believed that kitsch kills. I tell you this, so you will understand that my antipathy toward ‘Love Story’ is not because I am immune to either sentimentality or garbage,...

An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at and assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted toupee, sitting cross-legged next to a mall cop with a bleeding ankle and...

The distance had been evaporated by humor

The gym cat appears to those who will die. He is our totem.” This thought came to me a few weeks ago. I shared it with no one of course.

I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.

A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would probably say torture device.

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.

I met a woman who told me she wasn’t attracted to Asians. No worries, I said. I’m not attracted to racists.

Dreams like a podcast,Downloading truth in my ears.They tell me cool stuff.””Apollo?” I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.He put his finger to his lips. “I’m incognito. Call me...

Today I had to cut my Silent and Still Statue Demonstration Ceremony short due to wind conditions. Tonight I’ll make love like a tornado.

Only hurts when I breathe or blink or exist, if I’m being honest.

If sex were shoes, I’d wear you out. But I wouldn’t wear you out in public.

I got hit on at the bar last night, and this morning I have a black eye. Sometimes you can be so sexy that you offend, I guess.

Fuck I love it when you talk dirty.

Love and magic have a great deal in common. they enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice.

This is Leo. I’m the… What’s my title? Am I like, admiral, or captain, or…””Repair boy.””Very funny, Piper.

Oftentimes, people meet our writing before they meet us; our writing is our first impression.People read our résumés, cover letters, proposals, and emails, and that’s the basis on which we are judged first. If our...

But these dresses? I don’t know what to do. They’re the wrong color, and they’re hideous!” She went into a hysterical fit of tears.

Gordon Edgley’s sudden death came as a shock to everyone – not least himself. One moment he was in his study, seven words into the twenty-fifth sentence of the final chapter of his new book,...

Simple,’ Tummeler replied.’ Blueberries is one of the great forces o’good in the world.’ How do you figure that?’ said Charles. Well,’ said Tummeler, ‘have you ever seen a troll, or a Wendigo, or,’ he...

It’s fun telling you tall Texas tales. You always look like a little girl who’s hearing Cinderella for the first time.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless...

Sorry to hear about your Dad.”He shrugged. “He was seventy, and we always told him fast food would kill him.””Heart attack?””He was hit by a Pizza Express truck.

The face of a truly happy man seldom lacks smiles.

My advice for a person who’s just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms…faster.

I like farm salmon. I like the idea of fish growing on trees.

From: Christian GreySubject: &*%$&*&*Date: August 23 2011 11:23To: Anastasia GreyBelieve me when I say there are a great many things he’d like to do to your ass right now. Firing you is not one of...

Is your dog in a coma?” Quinn asked when the dog didn’t move a muscle.”No. Lump leads an active and demanding internal life that requires long periods of rest.

I stared at him (Dionysus). “You’re…you’re married? But I thought you got in trouble for chasing a wood nymph-

To their eyes, I was love. To their ears, I was truth. To their noses, I was anus.

You’re the queen, and it’s the queen’s house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he’s highly unlikely ever to be queen.

I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.

We rode on the horse like we were in love and drunk on coffee. But that’s silly, because we weren’t drunk and in love. We were just drunk, and not from the coffee either.

Her sculptured face was as perfect as a painting.

So. You’re a fallen angel.” She folded her arms.”I’m not fallen,” he said roughly.”Then what are you?”He shrugged. “Busted.

The thing I like about Irish whiskey is that the more you drink the smoother it goes down. Of course that’s probably true of antifreeze as well, but illusion is nearly all we have.

The only thing better than word of mouth is words of mouth. Give me at least two words.

[novan]: bassists are very good with their fingers[novan]: and some of us sing backup vocals, so that means we’re good with our mouths too…(~ IM chat with Novan Chang, 18, bassist)

Tanith frowned. Did people still go on DATES any more? She was sure they did. They probably called it something different though. She tried to think of the last date she’d been on. The last...

Our relationship is getting serious. I now know she likes Karaoke. Next she’ll tell me she loves coffee. And then she’ll say she loves me—but not as much as she loves coffee.

Th’ first thing to have in a libry is a shelf.Fr’m time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure.But th’ shelf is th’ main thing.

Do you realize how hard it is to keep your mind clear when somebody’s telling you to keep your mind clear?

maturity”, animated lives around him, it might be said that Reverend Gwyon had reached maturity.

I’m so hungry I could eat a mop. I mean map. I’m so lost when it comes to words.

Il ne me reste plus qu’un jour à vivre après en avoir volé quinze milliards à la mort. Plus qu’un. Deux au grand maximum.

I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and naughtily nautical.

I invented scissors with wheels, so I could cut to the chase. Next time we make love it will be the first time, and I’ll bring a sock soaked in coffee.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.