It’s Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don’t-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus.

I had a dream about you. I smiled and you waved, and it’s unfortunate that neither one of these gestures was directed at each other. The person I was smiling at was the same person...

If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.

They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.””Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.””We need...

If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home.

stupid” so as not to offend the ape community. Large of limb, impotent of intellect, he was the kind of guy who lettered in leg-breaking at thug school but flunked the written exam because he...

Columbus took a chance.

Right,” Sadie said. “And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death.

I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant.

Love is the walrus I crayon with like it’s the Eifel Tower. I know, love doesn’t make much sense to me, either.

If there’s grass on the pitch,” and gives his small cock a quick squeeze under the desk.

Broccoli, it’s what’s for breakfast. This morning let us make love like we’re both still asleep. I’ll hit the snooze if you find the lube.

Butt holes are like a one-way street; they were made the way they were for a reason.

It turns out that Molly wasn’t her mother’s daughter in that respect. Charity was like the MacGuyver of the kitchen. She could whip up a five-course meal for twelve from an egg, two spaghetti noodles,...

Sorry, pigtails, but subtlety isn’t an option anymore.

There are days when I don’t know how I live with myself. Those days are Sundays through Saturdays.

We made love like steam meets mist. My memory is foggy, but I know I inhaled her essence like smoke.

Kalist likes to listen to the collective voices swell as more individuals in his colony arrive.

I am Kid Awesome, I kid you not. But I don’t think making love is childish—or for children, unless you’re doing it for children (to produce them, not to entertain them).

He says black, I say white and we do grey

It is good to brush your teeth when you are angry, because you brush harder and do a better job.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before–and thus was the Empire forged.

Eli Willard just looked at her for a long moment, and then he announced, ‘Lady of the Lake strikes iceberg in mid-Atlantic; 215 drown. New York City fire destroys 700 buildings. Japanese earthquake kills 12,000....

Veeva squirmed up and down the length of me, vibrating like a coin operated motel bed. When she stopped kissing my mouth, I said, “It sounds so great, Veeva. Just you and me with our...

A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out how to fornicate with all your clothes on.

When your dreams turn into a nightmare, it’s time to wake up.

All the shit you’ve shoveled from stalls in your life is nothing compared to how deep you’re in it now.

All your Western theologies, the whole mythology of them, are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent

Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.

Advice about love: When the green grape turns red, it’s time to separate the socks from the mittens.

What the fuck does he think he’s doing anyway? And when has running around in a figure eight ever helped anyone?

Always remember, there’s no such thing as luck, nothing happens by chance, and all is by divine intervention. You’re like a magnet, wherever you go, the people you have relationships with and those that are...

The English novels are the only relaxation of the intellectually unemployed. But one should not be too severe on them. They show a want of knowledge that must be the result of years of study.

I didn’t know you had a girlfriend, Griggs.” Anson Choi feigns surprise. “What’s her name?””I didn’t actually catch her name,” Griggs continues.”Lily,” Raffaela says over her shoulder and this time I give her a sideways...

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

Find out what people want to do, then tell them to do it. They’ll think you’re a genius.

If you make a nickel a second, you can’t afford to pick up a penny off the ground. It’s the same with love.

Look at this fog. The damp gets right into your bones. It’s doing my chest no good at all. I’ll need a vapour bath.” Bryant pulled down his scarf and peered over the sodden hedge....

I’m a conundrum. Or an enigma. I forget which.

Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.

Hey, Tracy you army brat, I think it’s for you!

Rule of life. If you bother to ask someone’s advice, then bother to listen to it.

It was almost noon when the plane touched down at the Triad airport on the outskirts of Greensboro. There was a hire car waiting for me; I waved my notepad at the dashboard to transmit...

I drink trees, and I pee beavers. I know, you must imagine that I’m an exceptional lover. And I am! (I’m imagined, not an exceptional lover).

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me,...

I like to schedule dentist appointments for March 32, otherwise known as April Fool’s Day.

I always pass on good advice, it is the only thing to do with it.It is never of any use to oneself.

I’m aware of that, and it is not pleasing in camp.

His hand cups the back of my neck, and before I can think, he dips down and our mouths meet. For a split second I worry that he thinks he’s kissing Courtney. But that instant...