What? No way.”With a shrug, he tossed the wig into the water fountain.

All of which does not alter the fact that Pnin was on the wrong train.

Dear God, that man has a magnificent body.’ …………. ‘It’s like having a cupcake thrust in front of your face and not being allowed to have a lick of the icing.

I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.

He said that we had just had an argument, what more did I want?It was too polite, I said.

The best fiction is true.

I took a risk by not taking a risk, and that’s the nature of nature.

Do the thing you fear, and the death of your underwear is certain

(aside) Oh, you are well tuned now,But I’ll set down the pegs that make this music,As honest as I am.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

When I’m 42, I’ll have 21 years of experience being 21. I’ll be doubly prepared to handle myself in a bar, most likely by avoiding them altogether.

V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination.

The wisdom of coming in out of the rain is entirely a function of what’s waiting for you inside.

A telephone cord used to make an excellent leash on people. Now metal chains work better.

Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.

A brick could be used as a dream stimulator. Just tap it gently against your forehead. And if the mechanism gets stuck, just slam it down on your skull to jar everything loose.

In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The other part of the story is that I never even tried out. Just raw talent, I guess.

I know LSD; I don’t need to take it anymore. Maybe when I die, like Aldous Huxley.

That still small voice within sure seems to refuse to confirm or deny a lot.

It’s much more difficult to maintain personal hygiene if you’re obese. Believe it or not, I’ve found items like remote controls and packages of cigarettes in people’s fat rolls.

The practice of doing more than necessary works best when packing lunch boxes

Just give me a second. Attempting to give a fuck…Attempting harder to give a fuck…Sorry, there was an error; fuck not given.

Electricity is really just organized lightning

You cannot be buried in obscurity: you are exposed upon a grand theater to the view of the world. If your actions are upright and benevolent, be assured they will augment your power and happiness.

Honey, that man would do anything to keep you. Lie, steal, cheat, kill, clean up after himself, and do laundry.

I am astounded at how long it takes to discover… for the first time,the things I have learned… over and over again all my life.

Because it tends to become unseasonably chilly when I’d prefer it to be warm. It’s as if it does it on purpose.

Rae burned me. She has matches or something. Look, look…” Tori pulled down the collar of her T-shirt. “Leave your cloths on, Tori,” Simon said, raising his hands to his eyes. “Please.

Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.

A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically I got fired precisely because I didn’t sell any cars.

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.

The nails from a suicide’s coffin, and the skull of the parricide, were of course no trouble; for Vesquit never traveled without these household requisites.

Whenever God kicks in a door, He padlocks it later.

A flower blooms in my heart. You may call that love, but I call it water conservation.

Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.

Is she always like this?” “No, usually worse.

Shit a brick.”

They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.

Tanto la marginalidad como la exclusividad pierden su sentido cuando se popularizan.

I feel small when I stand beside the ocean, next to all those fat people in bathing suits.

One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people drowned that day, and all of them remember it fondly as they fondle...

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a...

No one washes their hands after they piss unless they’re in a public place. If I’m at the airport, or a restaurant, and someone else is there, I’ll soap up for the sake of civilization,...

I collect collectivisms. I’ve already got socialism and communism, and all I need is fascism to complete the set. I’m looking to trade my dusty democracy, but Uncle Sam isn’t interested in a deal at...

If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.

Is that so? I would say I was averagely arrogant

I have no desire to spend every night of the next few months at balls and soirees or drowning in tea with morning callers.

Whiskey burns—my throat, not a forest. Love burns—my heart, not a forest. As for the forest, it burnt itself. At least that’s what I told the police during their interrogation.

Nowhere have I ever heard of Satan taking the form of an avuncular hippie. No doubt he could. It just seems inefficient.