Now there’s a girl I don’t want to mess with’ — or at least, that’s what I would think if I had a chronic fear of freakishly nice people.

…socialism had somehow made time more flexible. There were often situations when 1 PM and 5 PM were interchangeable.

Here’s a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.

Egg has the truth of it. Aerion’s quite the monster. He thinks he’s a dragon in human form, you know. That’s why he was so wroth at that puppet show. A pity he wasn’t born...

Let’s play Russian roulette. If you win, I give you a Colombian necktie.

Hello, my name is Jaako and I am an addict. I am addicted to reading.

I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the same thing—and he also doesn’t exist yet, so it’s perfect.

That does not qualify you as a chemist.

An Unbreakable Vow?” said Ron, looking stunned. “Nah, he can’t have…. Are you sure?””Yes I’m sure,” said Harry. “Why, what does it mean?””Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow…””I’d worked that much out for myself,...

Well, in Shades’ Hill you may be able to eat cold bacon and dirt pies off one another’s asses for all your old master cares. But now you’re a Gentleman Bastard, emphasis on the Gentleman....

Ah ha!” the Doc screeched suddenly, wheeling around. “The salicylic acid! Maybe it SHOULD have been heated first!

Like most humans, I am hungry…our three basic needs, for food and security and love, are so mixed and mingled and entwined that we cannot straightly think of one without the others. So it happens...

If I asked God to see into the future 50 years, and I couldn’t see myself, I wouldn’t assume I was dead. No, I’d assume I was simply hiding.

My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly.

Anywhere you are standing right now is like no where else on earth. So look at the cars, the trees, the buildings and soak it all in.

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.

Free pyramids! Buy one, get one half buried.

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

Justin, honey, you were my very first kiss. My very first hand to hold. But you were nothing more than an average guy. And I don’t say that to be mean- I don’t. There was...

I know half, and I know two guys who each know half of half, so together we’re altogether. Let this be a lesson in networking.

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

If we assume that man actually does resemble God, then we are forced into the impossible theory that God is a coward, an idiot and a bounder.

And there was this sweet-looking little old lady with her white hair in a bun and everything, the typical grandmother type, and she was swearing her head off. I guess Alzheimer’s had brought out her...

Clearly it’s not all that pacific on the Pacific Ocean

On Wall Street, the lawyers play the same role as medics in war: They come in after the shooting is over to clean up the mess.

Are you any good at it?””Pulling idiots out of the snow? I’m the best.

William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?

There was a time-a lonely, lonely time-when salads were a pale and limp affair, relegated to the side of your plate, practically weeping. I think those dark days were also known as the ’80s. -p.11

…first thing is that I love you. And the second thing is that as much as I honor your former profession, I don’t think your geese care much for your betrothed and I hope they...

I had a dream I bought a popcorn maker that would pop pennies into cornuts, so I bought stock in corn wow was I nuts. That’s what my therapist said. He is just plain nuts...

She was murdered by rebels.’ He took in her unconcealed look of shock. ‘So there you go. Something for you to celebrate.’ Magnus turned away from her, ready to find solace in his chambers, but...

I’m as much a lover as a cumulous cloud is a beard of God. My mustache can’t make rain the way I make love.

I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, “I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon.” Hopefully, with a little lunar luck, my track will also feature Corey Hart.

In cyber espionage, the cloak and the dagger are one and the same.

I can’t give a Professor love!

Every now and then I like to do as I’m told, just to confuse people.

Women won’t sleep with me for the same reason that I don’t pay for sex—I don’t have any money. And if I did have money, I wouldn’t pay for sex, because women would sleep with...

In fact we put so many things in our mouths we constantly have to be reminded what not to eat. Look at that little package of silicon gel that’s inside your sneakers. It says DO...

Not only did I not win the sweepstakes, but I didn’t even bother to enter. I feel discriminated against.

I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wife, who would have told her that I’m no cheat.

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

Thank you so much for the rude know-it-all attitude while also having to look at your ridiculously colored hair and obnoxious facial and chest piercings. I am very fortunate to have just been schooled by...

I told Ersken, “Lately it’s been like living on the knife’s edge, never knowing which side I’ll fall off on”Ersken clapped me on the shoulder as we stepped into the street. “Cheer up, Beka. Maybe...

Noble starets, tell me, are my high spirits offensive to you or not?” Fyodor Pavlovich suddenly exclaimed, gripping the arms of his chair with both hands and appearing ready to leap out of it, depending...

There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label

Some people collect cars. I collect unemployment. Once my collection gets large enough, I’m going to start a country like the United States.

With networking, some people build bridges, some people burn bridges, and some people, like myself, use a boat to cross the river that divides us from one another. Well, with all the animals I associate...

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.