We’re like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings.

A brick could be used for good, or for evil. The Brick of Creation, or the Brick of Destruction. While you’re deep in thought, contemplating which one you’d rather use, I’ll be over there looting...

Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?

I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and press play as people try to leave.

Ready?”Despite the grim mood, I smiled and cracked my knuckles. “Ready to wrestle with my gorgeous boyfriend? Oh, I’d say I’m ready for that.”Amusement softened his eyes. “I’ll try to control where I put my...

The Duchess looked at Chloe with a look that said, You had the chance to tell him, but you chose to carry on the lie.How do I know that the Duchess’s look said this? Because...

Assumptions are unopened windows that foolish birds fly into, and their broken bodies are evidence gathered too late.

Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

I wanted to beat the heck out of the JV guys for that, except I wouldn’t know what to do in a fistfight without a manual.

Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we’ll kill everything.

Without discussing it with his mother, Anton went up to his teacher, Miss Katballe, and informed her that after seven years he was now quitting school. It was the best day of her life, she...

Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.

Sometimes advises from others are more difficult to bear with than even slang.

I make sleep like I make love, only with more energy and excitement.

As I climbed up into the high old bed, the large fly in my personal ointment did the same. Had I actually told him he could get in bed with me? Well, I decided, as...

Paddy Eagan, stay away from falling signs for a bit and you’ll be as right as rain come the weekend.

In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.

I am somebody’s son, and I know a guy I call “Dad.” Those two things are unrelated.

Honestly, Clary, if you don’t start utilizing a bit of your natural feminine superiority I just don’t know what I’ll do with you.

He wasn’t aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn’t smile he didn’t look amiable

Adamant,” Doren said proudly, handing over the shield. “We fished it out of the tar pit where we found the shirt of mail.””Probably all belonged to the same careless adventurer,” Newel speculated. “Too much money,...

You say guest, and I say prisoner. But I say it with love, so mine is preferable to yours.

I paid, got up, walkedto the door, openedit.I heard the mansay, “that guy’snuts.”out on the street Iwalked northfeelingcuriouslyhonored.

I shave my face like a car. I speed through car washes, but I brake for love.

So we are fulfilling our task in preventing serious armament stocks in Iraq within our possibilities.

I’m selling a rainbow in a bowl (no spoon included). I’m calling it Love Soup, even though it’s nothing more than tap water.

Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they’ll at least have something to keep them warm after they’ve lost all their money when the company goes under.

I’m leaving the door partly open,” he says as he follows Tegan. “You scream if you need me.”Once he is outside, Richard says, “He does realize that if he hears your scream, it’s already too...

Give it to me. Inject it,” I’d say. To be destroyed so efficiently. But I settled for less.

Two decaying racehorse carcasses would make a great bathtub. I’m a fast lover.

I only hope, for the sake of the rising male sex generally, that you may be found in as vulnerable and soft-hearted a mood by the first eligible young fellow who appeals to your compassion.

I walked to the door where Clovis waited. When I looked up, he was staring at Adam. A quick glance backward confirmed Adam was returning his stare. Freaking males, I thought, they couldn’t be more...

This is my depressed stance. When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start...

They say money talks, but all mine ever says is ‘good-bye sucker.

Happy endings. *Groan*

People always ask me, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an alibi.

Get him now?” Duncan asked. He looked at the sword in his hand. Unsure of what he should do, he tossed the weapon at the giant. The sword flipped through the air a couple of...

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Theatres are curious places, magician’s trick-boxes where the golden memories of dramtic triumphs linger like nostalgic ghosts, and where the unexplainable, the fantastic, the tragic, the comic and the absurd are routine occurences on and...

I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.

Your pupils are dilated. Does that mean you want to fuck me or eat me? Because I might have a problem with one of those.-Dex to Sloane

My arms and legs fell asleep. Silence of the Limbs.

Would you prefer swive? Tup? Dance the buttock jig?

Love is something I know all about. Not from experience, but from quizzing numerous hookers about their chosen industry.

Sikujui.

Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?” she asked him, indulging herself and letting her head rest on his shoulder. God, he felt good. Her man....

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.

Duck!” Not a Feathery Quack Maker, but Get down!

How did you not know they broke up? You usually monitor his social media like he’s al-Qaeda and you’re the CIA.

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.