Love is like a river flowing through your heart. I’ll bring the boat, if you bring the bridge.

Take off your shirt.”Jace raised his eyebrows. “I’m not going to attack you,” she said impatiently. “I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.””Are you sure?” he asked, obediently sliding the shirt...

A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument…and the occasional bar fight.

The door buzzer sounded again. The two boys exchanged a single look before both bolting down the narrow hallway to the door. Jordan got there first. He grabbed for the coatrack that stood by the...

I knew we were destined to be lovers from the moment she tied me up and stuffed me in the trunk of her car.

Caroline’s lips thinned, her face flushed. “My husband, sir, has more secrets in his tiny, insignificant mind than the entire British War Department has had on file since its inception.” She huffed with pure, disgusted...

I think I found the love of my life. Boy, I’m glad I cleaned out my fish tank.

I would have grown up to be a gentleman adventurer if I were more of a gentleman.

My love is fountainesque. Is your body drinkable?

It’s not communism, it’s shouldn’t be that everybody gets a try no matter how good or bad they are. It’s our profession and our art, so we should eventually strive to be working with the...

The scope of my problem will easily fit in the scope of my rifle. Too bad true love has to come with a mother-in-law.

Don’t believe what you hear about those penguins. A species of lazy waddlers. Their extinction is immanent.

I took some of the price off, and she took some of her clothes off. She made love and I made money.

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.

[The American President] has to take all sorts of abuse from liars and demagogues.… The people can never understand why the President does not use his supposedly great power to make ’em behave. Well, all...

Mr. Satterthwaite looked cheered. Suddenly an idea struck him. His jaw fell. “My goodness,” he cried, “I’ve only just realized it! That rascal, with his poisoned cocktail! Anyone might have drunk it! It might have...

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.

You knocked the door down.” Disbelief rang in his matter-of-fact tone. “I know,” she answered,unable to say anything else. Unable to look away from his body.”But it’s solid oak.””I know.” She felt the solid oak...

There was a group of fans who wanted autographs, and several women who managed to write their phone numbers on Wade’s hand before he pulled free.Sam sent him an arched brow, but he just shrugged....

How dare you open a spaceman’s helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could’ve been sucked from their sockets!

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught...

I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because you’d been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling...

I make love like I make lasagna. I just made some, so would you like seconds?

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped...

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)” I thinks she’s going to break my heart” On arrival of the girl” The flannel is fine honey,but I have’nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!

Are you ever going to kiss me without swearing first?

Look, if I were straight, you’d be grandparents before your time. You should be relieved that I’m gay. Aren’t you grateful?

We’re not trying to get all up in your biznez, Ali.

I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn’t talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously.

A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

A brick could be used as a blanket, and a blanket could be used as a brick, but not very well and not equally as well. Which is whicher depends on whose colder and who’s...

Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what’s an information system?”Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You...

Remove yourself, sir!

At least my happiness doesn’t depend on Ron’s goalkeeping ability.

I’m telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he’d interrupt you at his own funeral.

Why is it beautiful that humanity keeps coming back? So does herpes.

He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume.

A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s rubble, if it’s free people want it.

I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you.

A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.

…Don’t you just hate a phony-looking stiff?” – Aunt Edna

I never feel unsafe except for when the majority is on my side.

It does not mean you are not awesome, if no one ever appreciates your beauty. But I can see that, in your juicy eyes, funny smiles and innocent face. And I am telling you now;...

Parvati positively beamed. Harry could tell that she was feeling guilty for having laughed at Hermione in Transfiguration. He looked around and saw that Hermione was beaming back, if possible even more brightly. Girls were...

Bones just stared. “You’re not a woman,” he said finally. “You’re the Grim Reaper with red hair!

Angels are good not simply because they see bad as bad, but also because they see bad as corny.

Bucket had started his criminal career in Braas, not far from when Allan and his new friends now found themselves. There he had gotten together with some like-minded peers and started the motorcycle club called...

A blanket could be used to store valuable information that will keep future generations warm overnight. And just so you know, it wasn’t me that farted in the blanket. That’s a bit too much information,...