You’re right, my problems are the biggest problems ever,” George said. “No, honestly, it’s horrible to be me. I’m rich, talented, and I make girls cry.””How do you make girls cry, exactly?”George turned to her....

Like…um, the Little Mermaid?

Its Batteries! I just know it!

I had a dream about you. The king decreed we could only speak one word, and that word would be assigned to us. Your word was hello, and my word was goodbye. You made me...

Boy, you knock on the devil’s door and he will head slam you through the wall.

Money, Gun and Lie can solve almost all the problems.

WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire.

Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God’s gift to Women – Griffin

I snuck a look to see how Eric was taking this, and he was staring at me the same way the Monroe vampires had. Thoughtful. Hungry.”That’s interesting,” he said. “I had a psychic once. It...

I love the sound of it,” Trina whispers, as if speaking too loudly might interrupt the drumming patter of the rain outside. “It makes me want to sleep. Snuggle my head right up in your...

So while I drove my little and planned his fantasy night of how I was going to give Otter the key to my soul (his words, not mine), I silently panicked and wrote lines of...

Love is as we will it to be.” ~ Amunhotep El Bey

I want to be a dad. Sorry, I’m dyslexic. I meant to write dad.

Even-money that my liver lasts through my wife’s metamorphosis to my mother-in-law.

Will suspected Jem was in fact cleverer than he was himself – but he lacked Will’s tendency to assume the absolute worst about people and proceed from there.

If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.

Nothing is more difficult than removing a negative attitude.

It was an emergency!” Seth blurted. “Read my lips – emergency reading – not some demented idea of fun. If I was starving, I would eat asparagus. If somebody held a gun to my head,...

I knitted a sweater to look like a swimming bird, and pretty soon the whole world looked like it tasted like duck soup. My love is coffee-shaped and without chug.

She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he’s not… you know, better.””Define BETTER with that guy.””Not all fangs and raaaaar.

I lied. I do that, you know, when it suits me. I would have thought you’d realized that by now.

The ice cube melted slowly like a candle, and I thought about my love for her and how it was like an ice cube candle and that I’ve always wanted to drink fire and make...

When approaching a prospective human, first ask them what their name is. * If it replies “Brains,” blow its fucking head off. * If it replies “Brian,” ask it again, as you may have encountered...

It can be rebuilt if other countries with selfish interests will not meddle, as has been done in the past.

I am passionate about creating, not about procreating. My love for art is greater than my love for making love.

He likes the real slutty ones. Ow!” he yelled when he received a whop to the back of the head.

A brick and a blanket together create a blick. That’s it. That’s all I got.

I need a tube-shaped bathtub, to play the tuba in. I make love like I make music—in a shower that’s in a phone booth that’s in 1981, the year before I was born.

How many beers do y’all think it takes before one internationally scientist turns to another and says, ‘Dude, bet you twenty bucks I can levitate a frog with a magnet?’ ‘ Sam drawled.

The x-ray of your skull shows a large, flobby mass floating inside. I have to consult my colleagues to be certain, but it looks like a long sausage snarled into a lump.

Yep those are goosebumps. Or a bad case of arm acne. Or as I call it, armcne.

If I’m a commodity, it wouldn’t be a wise idea to buy stock in me – although, in the long run, maybe I’m a slow growth investment.

The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business...

Don’t be rude!” Boomer protested. As if the cookie might be offended.

It’s difficult when you have to turn down a tremendous amount of money because you don’t like what the script is saying and you don’t have any money.

Miss Vida” Liam said “has anyone never told you that you are positively the whipped cream on the sundae of life?”She glared at him.”Anyone ever told you your head is shaped like a pencil?””That is...

Sheep hurt my father, and through my father, sheep have also hurt me.

I have an ulcer. It has an IQ of 185.

I have to return some videotapes

She had no idea how long they kissed—and kissed—but she didn’t think about stopping until she ran out of air. Breathing hard, she slowly opened her eyes and stared directly into his.They’d heated. Darkened. And...

When the first book out my sister-in-law read it and we were chatting at 5 o’clock in the afternoon and she said, “Oh my God, chapter six, sex and a murder,” and her five year...

I thank God daily for the good fortune of my birth, for I am certain I would have made a miserable peasant.

I asked my girlfriend, ‘Will you marry me?’ She said, ‘We’ll have to ask my father.’ So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, ‘Hello!’

Can I fetch you something, madam? A cup of tea?’In the old days she’d have been ‘miss’ and he’d have offered her a cocktail.

…it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone...

If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.

Have you ever chopped down something with an ax? Not fun. I now have serious doubts regarding George Washington and his cherry tree.

What are you two gay boys doing in there?”Aaand done.–Dex

I had to admit it was adorable. You know, in a unicorns-farting-out-rainbows kind of way that made me want to hurl.

What is it?” There is almost nothing I could refuse him at thisvery moment. Sex on the picnic bench? Check. Strip off and do theMacarena on the grass? Check. Crawl under the table and do...