I’m sorry.

If I’m not working, I don’t know what to do.

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off”- Cruz

Crime writers, I’ve noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven’t been caught yet!

If there’s anything a public servant hates to do it’s something for the public.

If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

You’re seventeen! Why do I have to keep reminding you of that? There are soooo many women you haven’t even met yet! Don’t act like you’re tired of the puss-puss, no guy is ever tired...

They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.

yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.

What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?

If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.

If girlfriends were knees, I’d love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it’d be easier to run around on them.

He who does not want to communicate will never enjoy their silence for very long.

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes.

I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis.

If you’ve recruited one intelligence asset, they’ve recruited you all.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like, how did my mother know that?

Sooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.

I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.

. . . you worked for Harry King, they said, because a broken leg was bad for business, and Harry King was all about business.

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.

There are different types of love, and my love for my child is like me and my mum. We’ve gone through a lot of rocky patches, but we never stop loving.

How a dirty little secret gets found out is usually a dirtier little secret.

On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.

Secret 16913011. Better a CIA front than a CIA backside.

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye...

You’re small enough to fit in my pocket.

I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.

I’m living proof there’s safety in numbers. I once evaded enemy agents during Carnival in Rio by hiding inside a large papier-m ché two.

Agatha had rose-colored cheeks, and thorn-like warts all over her slender neck. When we’d make love, I’d pretend I was Helen Keller and her neck was the Book of Love. I like to think I...

Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let’s just say if I’m ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I’m covered.

Astronauts Make Better Lovers” Award. But I say, Take off your fucking helmet when I’m talking to you. And do they really make better lovers? I say, Put on your concrete boots, Lunar Child III,...

We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola’s version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves’s British accent and Gary Oldman’s elderly Count...

I don’t need a reason to have a reason.” Actually, I have no idea what he said since he was muttering.

I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.

They say a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm. Perhaps that’s why it takes me 18 seconds to sneeze.

In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says?

A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it!

Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s...

A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like a STOP sign.

Girls are like Pokemon, it doesn’t matter how good you are, you can’t catch any if you don’t have any balls.

I had a dream about you. We were in a band. I was the lead singer, guitar player, saxophonist, harpist, violinist, bassist, cellist, harmonica player, pianist, and drummer. Oh, and I played the trumpet. And...