Napoleon made war like I make love—from a height of about 68 centimeters. (I wear platform shoes while I’m on my knees)

You make me sound like an arrogant ass,” he said.”Are you?””No! I’m just me.

Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.

I just thought of a great theory that explains everything. When I went to that party, I was abducted by aliens. They have created a fake Earth and fake high school to study me and...

Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

And I’m sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were...

Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I’d love to see a concert in which “The Doors” opened up for “The Cars.

S’mimasen,” Alyss said repeatedly as they brushed against passerby. “What does that mean?” Will asked as they reached a stretch of street bare of any other pedestrians. He was impressed by Alyss’s grasp of the...

I was at yellow the minute I walked in the door.

Since Sienna was in an unusually cooperative mood, the session went well. He was returning from it midmorning – after a short detour – when a small naked body barreled into him in one of...

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

[He] carefully put a funky-looking pair of reading glasses on her. “There we go. How are they?”She blinked experimentally, peering around the room. “Good, I think. Thank you.””Wear them the next time we f***. That...

I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.

A bush-warbler,Coming to the verandah-edge,Left its droppingsOn the rice-cakes.

In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.

Ethan Wyeth: I hope you’re thirsty.”Gideon Wyeth:”Why?”Ethan: “Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.

I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible.

You honor our humble abode,’ said Bean.’I do, don’t I,’ said Peter with a smile.

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another.

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off”- Cruz

If there’s anything a public servant hates to do it’s something for the public.

If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.

yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.

If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.

If girlfriends were knees, I’d love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it’d be easier to run around on them.

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes.

If you’ve recruited one intelligence asset, they’ve recruited you all.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

Sooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.

I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.

How a dirty little secret gets found out is usually a dirtier little secret.

On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.

Secret 16913011. Better a CIA front than a CIA backside.

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye...

You’re small enough to fit in my pocket.

I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.

I’m living proof there’s safety in numbers. I once evaded enemy agents during Carnival in Rio by hiding inside a large papier-m ché two.

Agatha had rose-colored cheeks, and thorn-like warts all over her slender neck. When we’d make love, I’d pretend I was Helen Keller and her neck was the Book of Love. I like to think I...

Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let’s just say if I’m ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I’m covered.

Astronauts Make Better Lovers” Award. But I say, Take off your fucking helmet when I’m talking to you. And do they really make better lovers? I say, Put on your concrete boots, Lunar Child III,...

We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola’s version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves’s British accent and Gary Oldman’s elderly Count...

I don’t need a reason to have a reason.” Actually, I have no idea what he said since he was muttering.