If I were a Wild West cowboy, I wouldn’t ride a horse—I’d ride a wheelchair. More romantic.

The more I the more I know people the more I like my dog

Love is meant to be taken seriously, like a joke.

Word of advice, sister mine. If you want to keep your papers private, don’t write ‘Private’ on the cover. It set the mater right off. It was all I could do to stop her sniffing...

Why’s this fish so bloody good?” he demanded, angrily.

When you’re an actor, you meet actresses.

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.

I wasn’t around when Kennedy got shot. Not being born yet is a pretty good alibi. Still, if the cops ask where I was, tell them I was with you.

I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago.””Waitress!” Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. “Bring two!” then, more quietly,”You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet...

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could...

After reading some of my stories, I once had a friend say to me, “I’d love to spend five minutes in your head to see what’s going on in there.” I warned them, “If you...

It would be the last thing he did if he beat my dog.

Is that a compliment or an insult?”Analia only shrugged.

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

Sorry, Bex,” Jason said “You don’t have the recognizable facial characteristics – such as a huge chin, or a large amount of real estate between the eyes – that would merit the bestowing of a...

I overheard Nona talking about my little buds and how she remembered back when she was developing into a woman, and that was enough for me.

I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!

I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he’s going to come back and want our first-born child or something.”Daemon waggled his brows. “You want kids? Because you know, practice...

Look at what you’ve done,’ Sanguine said, shaking his head with mock severity. ‘You have foiled out insidious little plot. You have emerged triumphant and victorious. Curse you, do-gooders. Curse you.

I would never say snog. I would say osculate.” She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?

What are we going to do when we get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our own?””No, we’re going to find a way to let our...

I’ve had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

It’s a very small object to be capable of doing many wonderful things, don’t you think?””It does much more that that,” Valkyrie said, opening up a game and showing it to him.His eyes widened. “What...

Best friends one, and now we have almost nothing to say to each other. It was interesting, how he had joined those guys and I just stayed on my own. I didn’t like it or...

I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.

Aunt Elizabeth said, ‘Do you expect to attend many balls, if I may ask?’ and I said, ‘Yes, when I am rich and famous.’ and Aunt Elizabeth said, ‘Yes, when the moon is made of...

Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry,” Archer offered.

If flowers were boogers, I’d pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.

Webster said, ”Time them skeeters get done with that old man, his French blood will be all gone and he will speak American as good as we do.

They tend to come out a colour called ‘Pants left in wash’

Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody’s life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more...

I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can’t get to them.

I had a fucking standing ovation going on in my goddamn pants, and it was demanding an encore.

I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs.

Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.

Great shoes by the way. Sexy as hell.

If secrecy is the beginning of tyranny, declassification is its apotheosis.

I cook. My favorite thing to make is love.

You’re so vain, I bet you think this Special National Intelligence Estimate is about you.

Secret 71910151. A story with legs usually involves legs with a story.

We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin.

The next afternoon I left work to find that my car had been broken into and ransacked — but that not one thing had been stolen. I was so insulted that I left a note...

I don’t subscribe to conspiracy theories unless they include the swimsuit issue for free.

I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).

Have they built cities on the moon?” another boy asked hopefully.”We left some garbage and a flag there in the sixties, but thats about it.

Angry poor people are ‘enraged.’ Angry rich people are ‘livid.

I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.

Pastors are starting to get wily. When people tell my friend, ‘I’m not being fed,’ he replies, ‘I’m prefectly happy to spoon feed my one-year-old. But if I’m still spoon-feeding him when he’s five, we’ve...

Anything worth doing is worth neither confirming nor denying having done.