No, no. Don’t make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man’s confidence.

Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.

I thought, What a miserable life he’s had, having to hide his religion, his name, just to get a jobas a driver—and he is a good driver, no question of it, a far better one...

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

I saw her from across the room, and I knew I was in love. I also knew why I’d seen no urinals, as I was clearly in the wrong bathroom.

…She says with that mistyfar-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.

A ghostly smile flickered across his face. “If you weren’t so psychotic, you’d be fun to hang around.” “Funny, I feel that way about you too.” He didn’t say anything else, but the smile grew,...

My love for her is as nuanced as a Nancy, and I wish her name were Nancy so I could more effectively convey my love for her.

Improvisation is almost like the retarded cousin in the comedy world. We’ve been trying forever to get improvisation on TV. It’s just like stand-up. It’s best when it’s just left alone. It doesn’t translate always...

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

Liquid kittens would be drinkable cuddles. You wouldn’t ever be thirsty for love.

A customer facing crucial decisions: What should I wipe myself with? What should I brush with? His personal hygiene was deteriorating rapidly as he stared at the rows of possibilities, sweating profusely. Would he ever...

Monogamous musicians are like vegan hockey players.

I want her when she doesn’t want me, and I don’t want her when she wants me. Now that’s love in the 21st century!

I’m bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is “In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.

Arguin’,” Carlos says matter-of-factly.

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor with adult content.

So they ended up turning this little twenty eight page book into the movie. And it’s all about this stinky, smelly ogre who doesn’t care what anybody thinks of him.

I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.

All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I’ve got to figure out how that happened.

I asked what you’re going to do. Nine times out of ten, talking is a way of avoiding doing things.

A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them

But Amy,” Elder says. “Space suits!

Of course, I’d like to have fake legs. I would dance with a boy and then afterwards pull up my dress to show him my fake legs, just to watch him fall over from the...

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Eating be eating, b’ain’t it, Birdie?”Nay, Uncle Bear: In Caermelor, at the Royal Court, they be so-oh, so much more advanced than anywhere else. ‘Tis not done to wipe your fingers on your hair or...

The waitress walk away. Everyone look’s at each other and then laugh. The laugh it feel so cathartic. It break the ice and sudenly the mood feel like old times. They may not have money...

I could make dinner with one hand. Especially if I was serving Masturbation Stew.

Sometimes, when it’s going badly, she wonders if what she believes to be a love of the written word is really just a fetish for stationery. The true writer, the born writer, will scribble words...

Gentle reminder, Smile please.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

Claws to self, Vampira, I assume you brush your teeth twice a day but I have no idea where those hands of yours have been.

He was so drunk that he would have stubbornly denied that he was.

THE UNOFFICIAL AND UNWRITTEN(but you better follow them or you’re going to get beaten twice as hard)SPOKANE INDIAN RULES OF FISTICUFFS:1. IF SOMEBODY INSULTS YOU, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.2. IF YOU THINK SOMEBODY...

Pops: How about you finish this sentence for me, Jason? When a girl says no she means…Justin, looking desperately at me: No?Nana: Are you sure?Justin, shifting uncomfortably: I’m sure. No means no.Nana: Well look at...

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.

[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn’t have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!And that thought just cracked me up.]It was like my friends had walked over the backs of...

A brick could be used to help you get used to the fact that you’ve been used. I’ve been used to, so I know what you’re going through. You’re going through a dark tunnel, and...

This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!

But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I’ll hear it, but the men will keep talking.

Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...

He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, ‘I ain’t got any tattoo on my back.”What you got on it?’ the girl said.’My shirt,’ Parker...

What drives the creative person is that we see it all.

Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs.

You know that’s why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It’s because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells.

This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you...

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?