brooklyn writer” and you’ll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?

If you want to live a life free of regret, there is an option open to you. It’s called a lobotomy.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you’re trying to show respect.

You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!

He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.

Its funny when people recently change their attitude to gain entrance into your heart, which may only ignite your passion to close the door.

I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library.

When would he learn that women never stayed where you put them?

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today’s tasks.

You would be surprised of films that people just don’t see. You know what I mean? I’m always working and I’m a film buff but I’m an old school film buff.

I often think about a life of crime. But alas, politics isn’t for me.

A blanket could be used as a lovely rug, a rug that just so happens to be covering a large hole, you should really feel this rug!

The ocean waves were choppy. Good thing I know karate and was able to fight back.

Maturity.” My dad backed out of the room and closed the door.

I want to meet a guy named Art. I’d take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.

I’m a guy. Unless the dirt attacks first, I leave it in peace.

Goodbyes, they often come in waves.

I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options.

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

People change, just wait

This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.

How are you feeling?”I leaned away from him. “Gross.”Aiden frowned. “Gross?””I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don’t come near me.”He laughed. “Alex, come on.””Seriously, I’m gross.” I put my hand...

I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.

Caroline, do you value your neck?””Yes, I’m rather fond of it. Why?””Because if you don’t shut up, I’m going to wring it.

You promise?””I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now.

His heavy-lidded gaze reflected a languor that had nothing to do with having just awakened, and there was no doubt what was on his mind. But this is no safe cherry picker, Gwen thought, growing...

Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of Congress.

Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there’s lots of Eastern Grays around this area....

On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.

Shane, honey, in Morganville, friends are the only things that keep you alive.

Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed.

I decided early in graduate school that I needed to do something about my moods. It quickly came down to a choice between seeing a psychiatrist or buying a horse. Since almost everyone I knew...

done coma, walking/talking,art, cookery. scouts then wrote two books, asked for help, gave a book to HRH Princess Anne, tried publisher, got another DEGREE, now Google Gillian Mk2, what else can I do?

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

I wanna live ’til I die, no more, no less.

I tried to picture a bunch of guys in blue suits running around a beachside neighborhood, knocking on doors and flashing Fed creds. That should cause a stampede of illegal aliens heading south.

I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report...

I’m not joking this time. If I see it, it’s mine, and you won’t get it back at the end of the school year.” I growled, deep and long, savoring the feel of the vibrations...

The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish.

When have I ever given him the impression that I was okay with him just stopping by whenever he wanted to use my body as an organic garbage disposal?

I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.

Post-traumatic stress disorder – otherwise known as “first day back from vacation.

My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns.

11% of Americans believe HTML is a sexually transmitted disease. In reality, HTML is caused by bacteria living in the lower bowel.

Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I guess I must have frowned too much because this morning...

Secret 0.59179. When an asset quits, make sure to collect their cover docs, commo hardware, and any countries they were running for you.

I`ve got a black woolen hat and it`s got Pervert written across the front of it. It`s the name of the clothing label. And I was with my wife and my baby at the supermarket...

I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep.