When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.

The armies, the difference of all of those armies that had been fighting each other and the Taliban took advantage of that to rule over the whole country.

There’s a marked difference between Mark Ed and Ed Mark. Same as the difference between making love and loving make—and I do both, for a very reasonable price.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn’t have...

A brick could create a clear winner in a fight if instead of fighting pillows against blankets, you fought bricks against blankets.

A few years ago I dropped off the face of the earth. Then I came back the next day to pick it up. Unfortunately, it was stained red with love.

A text pops up on the screen. It’s from Luis. I can’t help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out message.Luis: Hey

Want to dance? We have music this time. And I don’t have to punch you when we finish.

Your unborn children cry in your testicles. I can hear them when you masturbate. Your mother loves me more than she loves you.

My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.

Irene gasped. “Have you taken leave of your senses, Stuart?” she hissed. “Have you?”Stuart closed his eyes.”No,” he said. “Au contraire.” It was strong language for the Edinburgh New Town, but he had to say...

I’m a vampire, Giguhl. The only liquids I drink are blood and alcohol. I don’t do juice.

It was like being leaned on by a very heavy, warm brick. A sexy brick.

don’t worry about the world ending today, it’s already tomorrow in australia. -Charles M. Shulz

Was that supposed to be romantic?

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

Pop culture. Nobody does bullshit better than us. Right? China took over manufacturing. And the Middle East has us on fossil fuels. That’s just geography and politics. We’re a nation of whacko immigrants. Scavengers and...

Love is a gift. Mine comes in a box that’s shaped like a coffin.

Brilliance is impossible without a touch of insanity.

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

Penny for your thoughts,’ asked Gwen.’Cheapskate,’ said Ianto. ‘Never heard of inflation? Thoughts are a bit pricier than that these days.”OK,’ said Gwen. ‘A pint down the local tomorrow for your thoughts.’Ianto smiled. ‘That’s more...

Jean-Baptiste Say may have coined the term ‘entrepreneur’ but he totally missed the opportunity to put it on a t-shirt and sell it.

All trademarks, company names, registered names, products, characters, mottos, logos, jingles and catchphrases used or cited in this work are the property of their respective owners and have only been mentioned and or used as...

I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.

There comes a time in every woman’s life where she will decide to eat cookie dough. It is when and how that truly defines her.

They call me Domino for obvious reasons. One nudge in the right direction and I’m flat on my stomach.

No, I don’t like you, I just thought you were cute enough to kiss you.

Everyone thinks you’ve been kidnapped,” he said. “We’ve been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you’ve been here all night?””Frank!” Annabeth’s ears were as red as strawberries. “We just came down...

I am who I am and I am who I was, and I am who I will always be!

Staying relaxed was helping him cope with the drug induced juddering vision that could be best described as being like a Hitchcockian visual effect operated by a hyperactive squirrel that shook the whole universe closer...

Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me.

Kuwa makini na kila kitu unachofanya kwa maana ubongo ni kitu cha ajabu, ubongo una uwezo wa kukupotosha.

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better?

…and a third had died in his bunk of natural causes– for a dagger in the heart quite naturally ends one’s life

Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls.

A blanket could be used to offset things likely to set you off. When you start to get hot, just wrap yourself in a warm blanket until you’re comforted and you cool down.

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

For my sustenance at night,the whole that my hands can gleanfrom the gloom of the oak-gloomed oaks–the herbs and the plenteous fruits…

A brick could be used to grow your annual income by a factor of four. What, you don’t believe me? Are you calling me a liar?

I scoured myself with lye soap from head to toe to get the evil funk of demon snot off me. I have flossed things the gods never meant to be flossed and used things that...

Hogwarts needs you!

You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality!

You’ve got the fountain of youth hidden in your pants.””What the fuck does that even mean?” Hook demanded, then held up a hand. “Never mind, I don’t want to know.””Means fucking keeps you young.

I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way.

Um…” I mumbled, “We wait.””What? Wait? Do you expect them to just come up here to the beach to get some moonlight?” He sneered as he took another bite of the eagle.

My dog hasn’t said a word all day, he must have a lot on his mind

The More Interesting Than.” I would say get Miley Cyrus to do it, but she isn’t interesting enough.

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

Keep your friends close and make out with your enemies.

Most of the world knows him as the dad on Full House , but I know him as this funny, sick comedian. He and Andrew Dice Clay were the two dirty, hilarious comedians when I...