I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up and excited.

Do you suppose cannibals eat finger food?

Chopsticks”–only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks.

The following information is classified Third Eye Only.

This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even...

The greatest gift you can give to posterity is a good kick in the posterior.

As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.

People who need people who need people need the luckiest people in the world.

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

What meteorologists refer to as a ‘polar vortex’ I call God getting his swagger back.

About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home.

The photoshopping of female models is sending precisely the right message to young girls: Learn image editing software!

Politicians, it’s like they’re competing to be the most incompetent. Well, guess what? They’re all winners to me. And by winners I mean losers.

Am I the only person who thinks the theory of solipsism is totally stupid?

[When asked about his thoughts on gods]I think it’s like a movie that was way too popular. It’s a story that’s been told too many times and just doesn’t mean anything. Man lived on the...

The Seven Habits of Highly Cleared People1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. , or refer to Habit 7.7.

If I owned a house that had a bathroom with no toilet, only a urinal, I’d call that the number one room, and I could easily both describe it and point to it with one...

Always write your signature move in disappearing ink.

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.

Get the point?” I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast. “What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in situations like this?Too harsh?

A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as...

Our boss announced that we’re implementing a self-managing team concept. From now on, we’ll be the team, and our boss will be the self.

I make love like I make lasagna: with extra meat.

Eh, Whappaaaa!

I want to leave a legacy. I’ll leave him in the trunk, tied up, at a parking garage on the campus of the university where he graduated.

When I’m lonely I stand in the corner and play my saxophone and feel sorry for myself. I would ask you to accompany me on the piano, but if I did that I wouldn’t be...

Agatha was a woman. All women are mortal. Therefore, Agatha must be dead.” -Orafoura

A blanket could be used as a water purification device. Place it between a flowing water source and your storage barrel and let the blanket filter out impurities. Then after your water is pure, drop...

If you would have asked me a year ago if I believed in aliens, I’d have laughed and said no. But that was before the abduction. I don’t laugh as much anymore, mainly due to...

A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny.

Orafoura paid me in pajamas, and I let him because the pajamas matched his plaid mustache.

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

We made love like we made dinner. We had leftovers.

Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children’s future.

A brick could be used to soften resistance. Smash the opposition into a pulp!

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I’ve only ever had one.

There’s nothing I like better than a beautiful sunset. Except maybe a gorgeous sunrise. And a naked woman painted pink and orange floating through the sky.

Work is the best of narcotics, providing the patient be strong enough to take it. I dread idleness as if it were Hell.

I met Kevin when I was 19, at a Second City workshop. We were paired up together in the first class I went to. By the end of the class we formed our improv group,...

There were, however, a few exceptions.One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not...

Nothing says awkward like coming in your pants while dry humping.

My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way

Women were created gullible. It they weren’t no babies would be born.

He who laughs last … just didn’t get the joke.

My melon soulCrushed by your Gallagher of apathy

I chase goals, not girls.

I tell you, the old-fashioned doctor who treated all diseases has completely disappeared, now there are only specialists, and they advertise all the time in the newspapers. If your nose hurts, they send you to...

Tom Cruise isn’t that big of a guy,” my mom always says. I love how she tries to avoid using the word “short.”Yeah,” I tell her in return, “but he compensates by being Tom Cruise.”Not...

M.

God help me. I’m so tired. I need my sleep. I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night. . . .