I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.

BARRELS!

They say a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm. Perhaps that’s why it takes me 18 seconds to sneeze.

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says?

You there, you look like a well-rounded lady, oh yes, and I mean well-rounded

A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it!

I’ve never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn’t it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you’re here?

Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they’d probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength...

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s...

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

That really was NOT fun, though. Well, the hitting-her-with-a-stick part, that was fun. But crashing into a concrete bear? NOT fun.

Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like a STOP sign.

Girls are like Pokemon, it doesn’t matter how good you are, you can’t catch any if you don’t have any balls.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, a sharpie must be plain deadly!

I had a dream about you. We were in a band. I was the lead singer, guitar player, saxophonist, harpist, violinist, bassist, cellist, harmonica player, pianist, and drummer. Oh, and I played the trumpet. And...

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.

I’m a big Cosby fan. I respect the man.

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

I found her lying naked on the lawn at midnight, can I keep her?

Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write in cursive and am endorsing checks for money I can’t recall earning.

I don’t have a car.”His eyes sliced into mine. “I walked here,” I explained. “I’m on foot.””Angel,” he said in a way that sounded like he sincerely hoped I was joking.

Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others.

You’re never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.

What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh.

It wasn’t love at first sight. They ran into each other one morning in a sunny clearing in the forest. A few moments of stunned silence. `Glockenspiel,’ Adam pronounced, thinking (but with terrible doubt) he’d...

Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn’t be done.

You’re drunk as four skunks, you idiot.

Minutes passed by. A little blue butterfly landed on my nose. I blinked at it and it fluttered to my ear. A big yellow butterfly gently floated over and landed on my paw. Soon a...

We have an active program. We have nuclear weapons, we are a nuclear power. We have an advanced missiles program.

All these old guys, they were exactly the same on stage as off, and they couldn’t help being comedians.

If you think rightly, every problem is financial problem or eventually becomes one.

I think I’d fall for you no matter what, Claire. You’re kind of awesome.

We saw Uncle Jack every Christmas, and every Christmas he yelled across the street for Miss Maudie to come marry him. Miss Mauide would yell back, “Call a little louder, Jack Finch, and they’ll hear...

He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.

So that’s it?” Kenji says. “You just like him for his personality, huh?””What?””All of this,” Kenji says, waving a hand in the air, “has nothing to do with him being all sexy and shit and...

The list of who’s the best is only one person long. My penis is only one person long too, if that person is two-inches tall.

Plus, in one of his e-mails, the guy said he didn’t like pancakes. What kind of asshole doesn’t like pancakes?

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles.

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.

What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name

It’s only sixteen ninety-five,” I say with a flutter of my lashes.”You’re serious.”I prop my hands on my waist and stick out a hip, striking a pose worthy of a supermodel. “Look at me. Don’t...

I make love like a sandwich ate at my best friend. It’s only happened to me once, and I very nearly didn’t have to pay for it.

You’re starting to sound like one of those songs that DJ’s play when they wanna clear out the dancefloor.

Directing is creating a whole. You’re able to combine different elements and create a film that is unique and true to your vision.