Housewife: a position requiring great ambition to fill. Must have the determination to scrub mold, the good taste to distribute a checking account, and the good will to repeat this at a maid service or...

The best part about falling in love with a slab of meatloaf is now I get to use my ketchup-dispensing backpack when making love.

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence.

This is my building—and my office has the best possible view.”

On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

I’ve demanded of myself to be more demanding of others.

Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?‘Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto...

Nice costume,” he said. “Ditto. I can tell you put a lot of thought into yours.”Amusement curled his mouth. “If you don’t like it, I can take it off.

How about ‘c) All of the above’?” asked a third voice from behind the partition at the far corner of the studio.

Chalk again?” Cal seemed almost disappointed. “Too bad there’s no chalk monster.”Penn snorted with amusement. Chalk monster. That was like saying it was a vampire. Everyone knew vampires didn’t exist. Zombies who drank blood to...

I mean, when I started out I was billing per hour, like a shrink because you would sit with somebody and work. But most of it, if it’s for a live show it’s usually a...

That’s sad, Finch. You should get out more,” I said, stopping at the cafeteria entrance.

I am fluent in pussy, but I have no idea what this fucking means, Georgia.

When he who hears does not know what he who speaks means, and when he who speaks does not know what he himself means, that is philosophy

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!

But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it’s so forced.

You cannot negotiate art.

We have allowed the system to be so corrupted that many want justice to be “empathetic,” not blind.

Usually, there’s nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.

But he is an Italian,” was Umberto’s sensible reply. “He doesn’t care if you break some law a little bit, as long as you wear beautiful shoes. Are you wearing beautiful shoes? Are you wearing...

It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)

I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don’t want to be friends. – Raven from Blood of Prey

They can’t expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, ‘I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.’ What does that even mean?

Permission to shoot the fucker in the face when it comes over the rim?

Funny thing- Morgenstern’s folk’s were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor.

I’m not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.

Shut. Up,” June squealed. “You have a date with that guy?” She giggled and covered her mouth. “Shut up, shut up, shut up! Tell me everything.””I can’t do both,” I pointed out.

It’s time.” His mother, my wife, was resigned to the fact that it was time for Junior to leave the nest. She sat on a stool at the granite kitchen counter, spiked coffee beside her,...

And since when is stealing people’s possessions the call of God? you are all hypocrites who have suddenly come into power, and you don’t know how to handle it

Dear DiaryWent out shopping today. Picked up half a dozen sheep, two pigs, and a princess. The sheep are rather depressingly thin, the pigs and princess only slightly less so. Dear DiaryWent out shopping today....

Pull the hair on my head the wrong way, and I would be on my knees begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles.

I am the three minutes of 180 seconds, and I don’t do refills. I’m a lover, not a farmer.

Scoot over, man. I don’t like you that much.” “Dick. That’s not what you said last night.””Bite me.

Err on the side of awesome.

For the sake of my loved ones, I don’t drink sake.

At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?

And even very recently, when Taliban was in office, we took the humanitarian task of building hospital, for instance, schools and other arrangements.

It’s not a stereotype if it’s always true.

I’m so honest, that in order to compliment you, I’d improve you first.

He kept one eye on Matt as he talked. He could tell Matt was close to orgasm by the way he title his head to the side and bit his lower lip. “And what about...

He met her because I didn’t show up that day and he went in my place. If they get married, I should be the best man. I am Invisible Cupid, so where’s my monument to...

I guess we’re oil and water. (Phoebe)I’d say we’re more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)

I couldn’t go back to my apartment. I was forever estranged from my place of habit – the carpet I would ash my cigarettes on, the gin bathtub where I would soak to keep my...

I waffled over the issue like a pancake with texture similar to the bottom of a 1970s track shoe. I ran through all sides, and decided it’s love.

There are dumb actors. But there are dumb politicians and dumb bakers.

Lovely, not only did the truck look like it was on its last leg, it was going to take the environment with it.

My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart stood up, brushed itself off, took a deep breath and announced: “I want a spiritual teacher.