I applied for your love like a recent MBA grad might apply at Walmart today. I grew a beard on my chest and laughed through my ass just to get your attention.

To not wear anything, and to wear nothing, are not the same.

I had to quit my taxi cab driving job because I had no way to get to work. The problem was I kept calling myself to come pick me up.

Just leave me alone, I want to be alone,” she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was...

I’m an organic kind of guy. To paraphrase Fight Club, The food you eat, ends up eating you. It’s true! Just think of all the chemicals found in modern foods. Take bleach, for instance. There’s...

It’s time to scrap the archaic and oppressive paradigm of ‘client states.’ I propose a friendlier, more sustainable concept: pet states.

Starting tomorrow, I will stop procrastinating. Or, of I’m too busy putting things off, I’ll start the following day.

I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling…awkward when it comes to you.””‘Awkward’ is the word du jour,” I agreed. “So, I make you nervous?””Not quite nervous,” he said. “Just unsettled.”I wriggled my...

My vagina already has its own mustache.

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?

A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA, it would be boring. But compared to boxing, it would be downright thrilling.

Bring your son to work night” at NAMBLA’s manufacturing plant. What does NAMBLA make? NAMBLA makes me sick.

Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But don’t take my word for it, because I’m not a dentist.

I never got to take Agatha to the prom. I never took anybody. At the time I was OK with going alone, but now it pisses me off. Since even Sam said no to me,...

I design, manufacture, distribute, and sell elevator buttons. I specialize in the fourth floor. And I don’t mean to brag, but I’m such a good salesman that I could sell one of my fourth-floor elevator...

I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and move on.

Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.

What is it? Tens, I can see the stick up your arse from here. I’m dying remember? Dying people don’t have time for silly moods

People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church. —Mrs. Miracle

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you.

If you don’t do anything stupid when you’re young, you won’t remember something funny when you’re old.

A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch.

Satisfaction is not the achievement of what we want, but the awareness of what we have.

A brick can’t cure cancer. But who knows, maybe a brick combined with a blanket could. I’ll have to ask Dr. Burzynski about it.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

If my life’s work could fit on a stamp, I’d want you to lick it before I die.

I have a free couple of hours,” I told him, walking toward my car, which was parked on the next block. “There’s a very private, very secluded barn in Lookout Hill Park behind the carousel....

In sum,” Midlife said, giving the room his best you-the-jury baritone, “Our defense will be…?” He looked to Matt for the answer/”Blame the other guy,” Matt said.”Which other guy?””Yes.””Huh?””We blame whoever we can,” Matt said....

When I sell liquor, it’s bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it’s hospitality.

Kevin”, his father began, “I’ve been thinking about it – I guess I was kind of carried away. It’s just that I’ve waited so long for my old school to make it to the Regionals…...

She was my friend because she was kind and funny but she had a face like two oysters fused together in a Star Trek matter transporter accident.

Naked intelligence officer (‘nā-kəd in-‘te-lə-jən(t)s ‘ä-fə-sər)1 : an intelligence officer in a state of undress 2 : an intelligence officer whose cover has been compromised3 : an intelligence officer, in reality fully clothed, disguised as...

Doode,” George said.He’d practiced all morning but still didn’t get it quite right. “Nope, more u, less oo. Duuude.””Dude.””Dude.””Okay, dude.” George nodded. “How’s it hanging?” Jack asked. “How am I supposed to answer that?” George...

By the light,” he said, when he had mastered himself. “I think that beats singing a lullaby to a stormdog for simplicity and economy, Maerad. But I wish I had known that you simply had...

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

We were talking about the prince,’ Sansa said, her voice soft as a kiss.Arya knew which prince she meant: Joffrey, of course. The tall, handsome one. Sansa got to sit with him at the feast....

I was afraid these new shoes would not be sturdy enough.

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

Francis Bacon has the most delicious last name ever, followed closely by Johnny Scrambledeggs. I make love like those two guys make breakfast out of family reunions.

But there’s a juicy artery in your groin,” he said after a pause to regroup, his voice as slithery as a snake on a slide.”Don’t you talk dirty,” I told him. “I won’t listen to...

But if I’d known there was going to be a firearms examination at the end of the kidnapping, by God, I would have studied for it!

I was not dressed crazily – I was dressed as a horse. And for a very logical and sane reason.

I don’t like anything in the mainstream and they don’t like me.

Nobody knows what is life and still alive

I possess an object that reminds me of your stepdad’s bowel movements. It’s brown and squishy and smells like yesterday.

Will sat where he was, gazing at the silver bowl in front of him; a white rose was floating in it, and he seemed prepared to stare at it until it went under. In the...

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

She’ll come to love me or she won’t. I’m a fisherman, not a hunter.

Everyone should get to clobber a princess at least once,” Jason said.