A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through all that trouble if you’d just eat the bricks I put on your...

How am I supposed to believe you when you’re obviously carrying a fake monogram Gucci Bag?

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue....

One thing I’ve learned about vampires–they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that’ll eat your eyeballs if you’re not paying attention.

If you come by my place, you might see a wheelbarrow full of broken bricks. I broke them with my fist. I was practicing for your face.

It’s rude to stare, but the great thing about staring at a sedated person is that they don’t know you’re doing it.

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

It was unbelievable. She was standing there, staring at him like he was a real rock star.

I’m not a party guy. I don’t carouse very much.

and I don’t have to hold on with anything more than my toes

The cybernetic operation?””No, the sex change.”The doctor’s smile faltered.”I’m joking.

I don’t appreciate people who celebrate their dog’s birthdays with “dog parties,” and then invite their friends who don’t even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more...

Lindsay calls them the Pugs: pretty from far away, ugly up close.

Weetzie could see him–it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. “Lanky Lizards!” Weetzie exclaimed.”Greetings,” said the man in an odd voice,...

I learned that you don’t have to be all over the place, that you can be subtle and you can say what you say. The words that you put together can be just as hilarious...

I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.

It’s because you aren’t thinking very clearly tonight.””I know. Being Drunk is weird.””Oh my god. I love you so much. Especially when you say stuff like that.””Like what?””Nothing. Never mind. Although I’m dying to know...

Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.

Blankets are good to carry around if you want to be able to quickly black bag someone.

The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, “I love you.” “Oh my God,” I thought. “Somebody’s obsessed with...

When it’s all said and done remember, “You are only as old as you look.

We tend to get a little information before we off people. It’s not a play by ear sort of deal.

She’s in the Catskill,” Shopie began, but Scathach reached over and pinched her hand. “Ouch!”I just wanted to distract you,” Scathach explained. “Don’t even think about Black Annis. There are some names that should never...

I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.

Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks . . . which I rejected due to financial investment.

The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.

Would you have done that in his place? Would you have left him and gone on?””Of course I would!” Halt replied immediately. But something in his voice rang false and Horse looked at him, raising...

She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.

Are you two you know?” Jacob pointed at us. ” Together? Together? ” I didn’t get a chance to answer. Cam spun me around and kissed me, right there between the two buildings. It was...

I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.

I have lots of energy.

I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn’t cheer so loud when I’m trying to sleep.

I’m sitting in the bleachers, watching longingly as all the boys and umbumped girls in my Personal Health and Fitness class play Muggle Quidditch. I don’t even like the game very much, I think it’s...

I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor.

Anything for you, Dru. And I mean it. Now, be quiet and let me concentrate.

Cancel tomorrow! Who do you think you are, God?

Everybody always asks about Jimmy Fallon. I’m sorry to say that he’s very nice and there’s not much bad to say about him. I don’t know if he sucks at videogames or not. I don’t...

A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him. That‘s why I bought you a black one.

We can’t against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous.

First of all is the fact that I have some rather good turns of phrase. I don’t say that pridefully … it’s just that when a line I forgot about smacks me in the face...

I love being an older comic now. It’s like being an old soccer or an old baseball player. You’re in the Hall of Fame and it’s nice, but you’re no longer that person in the...

Mr. Acme comments that the new foodservice professionals in the cafeteria are two-headed carnival escapees and probably also wanted convicts. He expresses his deep conviction that the names they gave him are aliases and promises...

These are Plenimaran marines, and there’s not much most of them aren’t capable of, if you take my meaning.””I don’t think I do,” said Alec, puzzled by Seregil’s tone.”Then try this. They have a saying...

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

And you don’t ever have to worry about what I feel. The way I feel about you won’t change. You can do whatever you like to me. You could turn this town to dust, burn...

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I’d be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

Sometimes when jerks become Christians, it’s like a bully learning karate. Instead of having Christ transform our hearts and attitudes, we now have a new method with which to beat you up….what was once just...

how romantic.

I like wearing a blindfold while watching movies, so that I can focus on the dialogue. My favorite flicks are the silent movies.