If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.

If it works, it will be plenty dramatic. And I suppose that if it doesn’t work, it will be even more dramatic, what with the blast.””David, I think you just made a joke.”He frowned, utterly...

A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it’s healthier than Gatorade.

Damn, Ian was already there. I braced myself as he came out from behind the RV. He sniffed, his nose wrinkling. Then he looked over me and my blonde captive, grinning.”Managed to squeeze in a...

Bricks, bricks, and bricks could be used instead of gold, silver, and bronze medals in the Olympics. If all an athlete cares about is winning, then I’ll take the precious metal off the international communities’...

I’m jealous of your hooks,” Kevin replied. “Having no hands is better than having two equally strong hands.”Don’t be ridiculous,” one of the white-faced women replied. “Having a white face is worse than both of...

The common man prays, ‘I want a cookie right now!’ And God responds, ‘If you’d listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.

A brick could be used as a Red Beard Replacement, for those of us who can’t grow facial hair, but desire the respect a beard brings.

All of a sudden Yutaka realized he had created a cloud of dust all around him. Oh no! No! This sucks. This blows more than your mama! Hey, now’s not the time to come up...

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

Lief. That’s not nice, considering all your sister has done for you,” admonished Perl.”Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and...

When I was small I dreamed of demons. I thought they were under my bed, but you said, it can’t be so, you don’t get demons our side of the river, the guards won’t let...

Hey! When he dug into it, rifling through her things, she snapped, “Go Yoda someone else’s supplies, asshole.

I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.

Wisdom of the Ages: “The Pope and Congress” It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.

A brick could be used as a trophy, and when you get yours, believe me, you’ll have earned it.

Xav sprinkled olive oil on his lettuce. ‘Lola was very particular that it all had to fit properly.’ ‘Lola?’ squeaked Diamond. I wanted to warn her not to rise to the bait Xav was dangling...

California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.

Although, not first-hand,” he quickly adds.

A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don’t need it, because I know my sexual orientation—north!

Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. “My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going to see if we can handle that before we have kids.”...

Even Dad likes it,” said Caddy, and her father agreed that he did. In a way. Being a broad-minded, tolerant, artistic sort of person. Or so people told him…”Oh, yes?” said Saffron, rolling her eyes.”Yes,”...

What? It worked for the Fallen Angels.

Oh, good. Yoda captured us,” Fang whispered.

My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.

As it happens, I’m a terrible dancer. Bears are simply not made for dancing. We’re much better at sitting and sleeping and singing. But there are humans who catch bears and force us to dance....

Cara: *Flies*Gen: What? I don’t have wings!Cara: Ofcourse not! You’re a boy.

A brick could be used like Dracula uses binoculars. I swear that pervert peeps on me every night from the tree across the street.

The Lord turned water into wine. All I’m suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.

That happens to have been a very significant battle,” Davin reminded me, in a smug tone.

You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce.

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

It’s always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics’ ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they’ll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

I try to hook you up every day. What’s the point of calendars without dates?

Maruman does not loll.

You can capture me with your beauty, only if you are a brilliant photographer.

Nine times out of ten I left one out. But the one I leave out is never love. I always put love in—even when I put it in your butt.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have the Golden Bail….’No, you won’t.’We will,’ stated the robot simply.No, you won’t. It makes my ship...

With Ice Cube they ain’t no telling. He might have one cocked and loaded, ready to bust. We might do The Sunday, two old men sitting around the house waiting on the social security check.

Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.

You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It’s certainly safer than keeping it in the bank!

In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense.

He’s all right. His hair is cute.”Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. ” Oh my God, you’re in love.””I’m not in love.””‘his hair is cute’? You never say anything nice about anyone....

I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.

In one universe, they are gorgeous, straight-teethed, long-legged, wrapped in designer fashions, and given sports cars on their sixteenth birthdays. Teacher smile at them and grade them on the curve. They know the first names...

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.

Depends on when you’re referring to.