It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than...

I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place.

I didn’t realize there was a ranking.” I said. “Sadie frowned. “What do you mean?” “A ranking,” I said. “You know, what’s crazier than what.” “Oh, sure there is,” Sadie said. She sat back in...

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we’ve found ways to amuse ourselves.” “Really?” Valkyrie asked. “Like what?”Plight’s smile faded. “Like human sacrifice.”He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie...

You are the Energizer Bunny for badasses. -Ash

My name is Matt Besser, and I’m an Arkansas Razorback. My father is a Jew from Little Rock, Ark., my mother was a Christian from Harrison, Ark., and somehow I’m an atheist now living in...

It’s true—there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.

Monsters have the worst taste in women.

Girls, on the other hand, have always come easy. I don’t know why that is, exactly. Maybe it’s the outsider vibe and a well-placed brooding look. Maybe it’s something I think I see sometimes in...

Before I die, I want to change my name to “Here,” so that my tombstone could simply read, “Here lies.” And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, “Ain’t...

Very good, my young one. You’ve made Chris very happy with this little tidbit of information.

come over and try these on.

I think I exist, therefore I exist. I think.

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

Are you insane? Not even if the continuation of our kind depended on it would I be tempted to do something so awful.

Buffoons may have serious faces behind their mask!

Around here there’s not much to do, I’m afraid. Actually, I’m lying. That’s not one of my fears.

I’ve got yours.

Don’t gobblefunk around with words.

Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.

Well,” he said, “I think we’ve found our way in. We just wait until they’re duking it out, but trust me, these Humans First types don’t have a lot of staying power or they’d have...

You two were in a cave together?’ said Miss Simpkins in horror.‘Yes,’ said Kate, ‘and it was very, very dark.

My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.

I didn’t say that! I find you completely resistible.

When they say “no preparation necessary,” do they mean to prepare isn’t necessary, or that it’s necessary to not prepare?

I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.

…Alright, Mandy Valems,” Alecto agreed.

A key sociological factor underlying the prevalence of zombies as a theme in modern culture is that zombie movies are cheap as hell to make.

You’re right. Realistically, I’m a Ravenclaw.

Altman was told they wouldn’t do the film with me. He could easily have abandoned me, but he stood by me and really bailed me out.

Saw a headline: ‘World’s Ugliest Dog Dead.’ Not believing it for one minute.

I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.

And then came the three-toed sloth. Stupid sloth. It was a crazy-looking beastie, all arms and bristling grey fur; its body was a blob, the kind of shape a six-year-old would draw for a pig,...

My father always told me I was too clever times half.

I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name.

I have this beautiful antique silver wine decanter that I bought at an auction. I always pour wine from that.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve been married once and he left and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Like I can’t be vulnerable. Can’t relax. It’s exhausting, always being on the defensive,...

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.

We are racing down Main Street. Arthur is right on the tail of a blck sedan with tinted windows that won’t pull over. He slams the horn.”Arthur,” I say.The car doesn’t yield.”Arthur,” I say.He hits...

Even if I did create them myself, I still think I’m doing pretty well under the circumstances.

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It’s just that you sounded so…twat-ish just then.

My wife says she would never fake an orgasm – but if I want her to, she’s willing to fake faking one.

That’s where I went to buy my last watch.

No punching?” he asked.”No.””No kicking?””No.””How about arm wrestling?””No. And before you ask, we’ve avoided Slug Bug, Slap Bets, and any and all Dance-Offs.”Fate Succumbs

Never tell a warm-up joke before giving an intelligence briefing – just start the briefing so you can get straight to the really big laughs.

How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?

Loki’d!