A brick could be used in place of a diamond on a wedding ring. Your wife’s probably going to divorce you and take the house anyway, so you might as well give her the first...

Wer lügt, hat die Wahrheit immerhin gedacht.

Can the government grow the economy like a farmer grows an erection, or a male porn star grows a tree?

Nothing is impossible to kill. It’s just that sometimes after you kill something you have to keep shooting it until it stops moving

First of all, I’m not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

As it ‘appens, I am Arthur’s right-hand man,” said Suzy. “Or left-hand girl, I can’t remember where I stood last time. Anyhow, me and Arthur is like two fingers of a gauntlet. Or at least...

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.

Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.

A man’s love for a woman is not defined by his availability in bed, but by every ingredient he adds to improve the taste of the relationship.

His ears caught a sweet chiming noise, and a moment later a warm rush fell over his body. How we doing Rhage? Too hot? Butch’s voice. Up close. The cop was in the shower with...

I think we are going to have to love ourselves. Fuck.

Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase.”I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk.”They’re for you.””You want me...

Those who pretend as if they don’t love you, are the ones who would hate to see you love another person.

Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.

Instead of Rock, Paper, Scissors, you could play Brick, Blanket, Action Fingers, in which brick cripples action fingers, blanket smothers brick and action fingers beats blanket.

Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.

But first I had to get through the ironing. It took a lot of patience. I had none. It took forever, and then I had to press the whole shirt again to get out the...

You know what I like most about people? Pets.

hornier than a bunny on ecstasy

It was a little difficult to take him seriously when he sang along to a song about a woman taking another woman’s man.

The Marquis sighed. “I thought it was just a legend,” he said. “Like the alligators in the sewers of New York City.”Old Bailey nodded, sagely: “What, the big white buggers? They’re down there. I had...

The three of usgetting along so well.

Life at times is a bunch of crap, the nice part about crap is that it’s biodegradable.

I like to spoon after I fork.

Remind me,” he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, “to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?

Get me a slinky.

You’re in a rather odd mood today.”I’m soaking wet, Eloise.”No need to snap at me about it, I didn’t force you to walk across town in the rain.”It wasn’t raining when I left,”. There was...

It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than...

I didn’t realize there was a ranking.” I said. “Sadie frowned. “What do you mean?” “A ranking,” I said. “You know, what’s crazier than what.” “Oh, sure there is,” Sadie said. She sat back in...

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we’ve found ways to amuse ourselves.” “Really?” Valkyrie asked. “Like what?”Plight’s smile faded. “Like human sacrifice.”He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie...

My name is Matt Besser, and I’m an Arkansas Razorback. My father is a Jew from Little Rock, Ark., my mother was a Christian from Harrison, Ark., and somehow I’m an atheist now living in...

It’s true—there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.

Girls, on the other hand, have always come easy. I don’t know why that is, exactly. Maybe it’s the outsider vibe and a well-placed brooding look. Maybe it’s something I think I see sometimes in...

Before I die, I want to change my name to “Here,” so that my tombstone could simply read, “Here lies.” And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, “Ain’t...

come over and try these on.

I think I exist, therefore I exist. I think.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

Buffoons may have serious faces behind their mask!

Around here there’s not much to do, I’m afraid. Actually, I’m lying. That’s not one of my fears.

Don’t gobblefunk around with words.

Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.

You two were in a cave together?’ said Miss Simpkins in horror.‘Yes,’ said Kate, ‘and it was very, very dark.

My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.

When they say “no preparation necessary,” do they mean to prepare isn’t necessary, or that it’s necessary to not prepare?

I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.

A key sociological factor underlying the prevalence of zombies as a theme in modern culture is that zombie movies are cheap as hell to make.

You’re right. Realistically, I’m a Ravenclaw.

Saw a headline: ‘World’s Ugliest Dog Dead.’ Not believing it for one minute.