If history teaches us anything, it’s that governments are always right, and they always do what’s in the best interest of the people, even at the expense of their own political agenda. In every situation,...

The job knew I was dangerous when it took me.

Why not? If you’re not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends.””You’re a twisted little man.””Come on, Stretch, share with the class.””No!” I laughed.”Prude.””Perv.””Schoolmarm.””Some other word that essentially means...

We were young(ish) when we first fell in love. I was however old I am now minus the number of years it has been since that first day.

I’m a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!

What was that?” Rich combined the pain of a crooked arm with the indignity of a flicked ear. I could only hope the situation didn’t escalate to the dreaded purple nurple.

Happy Birthday.”

We’re wasting time here. I’ve got a sweet ass to paddle. Some legs to spread…

I love like a lawnmower in the desert. I love like a solar-powered lunar vehicle. I love like a wind-powered kite factory. Some might even say I love like an ice cube in an oven,...

He should probably make love to her.

I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way.

The sun weeps because it can no longer caress your skin or warm your lips.” He sifted his fingers through my hair. “I do not envy the sun, Eva. But I truly hate the moon,...

A stack of graham crackers represents me as a person: am I a cookie or a cracker? Neither. Both. I’m a crackie.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Woman, I could drown in your love, but I’d much rather be strangled. More passionate, don’t you agree?

I live on shameless flattery…and vodka…but the two usually go hand in hand.

The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.

And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.

I have a star on Hollywood Blvd. It glows in the dark and I stuck it there myself.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I’m proving her wrong. I’m going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

And I thought, when I have kids, that’s the sort of well told, silly, and fun fairy tale that I would want to take them to. But it was an amazing experience. And I think...

Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made rigid, like the laws regarding the speed limit, as interpreted by the cop...

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

I don’t like hello. It makes me sound like I have dementia, like I’ve never heard a phone ring before and I don’t know what’s supposed to happen next. Hello?

I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.

It’s funny how a hello is always accompanied with a goodbye. It’s funny how good memories can make you cry, it’s funny how forever never seems to last, it’s funny how much you would lose...

I really don’t think you should put your hand inside the manticore, dear. You don’t know where it’s been.”–Enid Healy

I can spot a polka dot dress from hundreds of circles away.

Everything they said about me was so full of lying. It wasn’t funny. None of that stuff was true. I am totally sane. I didn’t do drugs.

Ben hid a wince behind his hand, trying very hard not to think of seventy-year-old Ellie Verstgard rolling around with Mr. Wenner. Despite his best resistance, the image scrolled across his brain and took some...

A brick could be an object to measure your life against. Are you square, rigid, and inflexible? If yes, are you in the military? If no, why are you acting like a brick?

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

Larry’s such a liar—He tells outrageous lies.He says he’s ninety-nine years oldInstead of only five.He says he lives up on the moon,He says that he once flew.He says he’s really six feet fourInstead of three...

I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibrating ab belts and getting a workout.

Do you think they’re going to buy that a guy in tacky leather chaps dances like this?” I scoffed when he twirled me back into his embrace. “Keep it up, and I’ll put you in...

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

The old agility was still present and the passion was undeniable, but it was the wobbling of the gut, the puffing of the cheeks and the profuse sweating that lent the performance its true magic.

He who butt-fucks all night wakes up with sore asshole.

Economists and psychologists get confused when they are asked ‘out of syllabus’ questions by life!

Shit down your computer, and restart.

Tricks are for kids, silly rabbit,” I said

You know how teachers tell you the magic word is ‘please’? That’s not true. The magic word is ‘puke’. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.

He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. “You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don’t you, Mouse?””Nope!””Ahhh, I’m hurt. Nobody likes me.

Growing age can kill the beauty, not the style.

Sane is boring.

You should be flattered that I think you look like Miley Cyrus.”

Majority wins, but majority is not necessarily right and sometimes majority is awfully wrong.

I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it’s like they weren’t even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

In lieu of Tasers, you’ll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I’ll turn into a bat to get away from you.””Fight or...