I didn’t actually know what regret tasted like—but I imagined if it did have a flavor, it would be lutefisk.

teenagers are never joking. when seeking to prove a point, principals and teachers should remember that teenagers are never, ever sarcasic or ironic. if they say “I wish someone would drop a bomb on this...

Most of the people I worked with in my old job were pretty cool. We used to go out drinking after lights out and the less pleasant members of staff would be the topic of...

You know what you are, Sam Brody?” she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. “A big, fat tease.” They both knew there wasn’t an ounce of fat on him. They also both knew exactly...

What did you think of him?” Cade asked.”Give me some credit,” Zach said. “Guy’s more full of shit than a duck pond.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I am an artist you know … it is my right to be odd.

Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!

I’d rather be ignored as a frog than eaten as a human.

Marianne would have thought herself very inexcusable had she been able to sleep at all the first night after parting from Willoughby. She would have been ashamed to look her family in the face next...

The Black Pit of Despair is temporarily closed for renovations. We apologize for any inconvenience.

He looks like a horse in a man costume!

He was a bad, bad bastard. He abused the privilege of being a cunt, as my old Da would say.’ I smiled, picturing the cozy fireside scene of young son on father’s knee being inducted...

Whoever said “The hand that holds a book cannot hold a gun” never worked for CIA Tech Ops.

I couldn’t decide whether to take a nap or not, so I did what I always do when thinking over a decision—I slept on it.

I love like I’m thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand?

We have truth in order not to die of art.

Scott Waldron.’ ‘What?’ Robbie’s lip curled in a glimace of disgust. ‘The jockstrap? Why, does he need you to teach him how to read?’ I scowled at him. ‘Just because he’s captain of the football...

Oh, of course,” said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. “I forgot we’ll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A blanket could be used to distribute ice cream to dyslexics. Blankets are cold and ice cream needs to be kept warm, right?

I hate Risk. I have for many years now. I hate that you still like Risk. I hate that you guilt me into playing with you because no one else will. I hate that you...

I’m talking about doing something good for mankind. Imagine how awesome everyone would feel if they knew all that holy stuff was real.” -Gregori”Stuff? Four years of giving sermons, and that what I get back?...

Brookfield High School. How may I direct your call? No, sir, this is not a waste- disposal unit, I’m afraid you have the wrong number.

He is very dry but also very funny… I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it’s not a good place for you to be.

My only relationship policy is, don’t bring your dirty laundry to work, no sex on company furniture and don’t let it affect your work.

I think it’s something like Mr. Peter Sloane and the octogenarians. The other evening Mrs. Sloane was reading a newspaper ans she said to Mr. Sloane ‘I see here that another octogenarian has just died....

A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

Only then did I see. Something was amiss with Patrick’s snap-on one piece, or “onesie” as we manly dads like to call it. His chubby thighs, I now realized, were squeezed into the armholes, which...

A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets in their pants.

Europe to me is young people trying to appear middle-aged and middle-aged people trying to appear young.

Oh you rebel you!

A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way to prevent a cold.

*Appendix usually means “small outgrowth from large intestine,” but in this case it means “additional information accompanying main text.” Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.

^Do every day a thing that scares you_♥

A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And the only reason she didn’t become my life partner was because I outlived...

I’d rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

New Yorkers, I figured, just pretended to be unfriendly.

If a blanket could be used to keep one person warm, then it stands to reason that all the blankets in the world are to blame for global warming, and I think our political leaders,...

It’s mental when things are going well. It’s funny how things happen. When things aren’t going well, you can’t kick one in.

The whole point of straws, I had thought, was that you did not have to set down the slice of pizza to suck a dose of Coke while reading a paperback.

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.

The best cure for a stick up your butt is a dog to play fetch with.