Forget I ever referred to my mother and screwing in the same sentence. That’s just …. wrong. On so many levels.

She talks like you. It’s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag who’s only holding Cinderella back.” “That’s my girl.

Vaginas beat penises every time. They’re like kryptonite.Penises are defenseless against them.

You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?Well chirp fucking chirp…this is one of those moments.

Kennedy hisses.”And you have the chest of one.

Don’t put off till tomorrow anyone you could be doing today.

In third grade I thought I loved her – by sixth grade, I was sure of it

You can’t get a reaction from someone who doesn’t give a shit.

We broke up in eighth grade when Tara-Mae Forrester offered to let me touch her boobs. And I did.

Baby, if you let me take you out of here, I’ll give the word pleasure a whole new meaning.” – Drew Evans

And another thing – don’t get too comfortable. Take chances. Don’t be afraid to lay it on the line. Even if you’re happy. Even if you think life is freaking perfect.

Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.

Why do women always do this? Why are they so eager to blame themselves when someone treats them like sh*t? A guy would take a cheese grater to his tongue before admitting he screwed up.

These are her accomplishments. Challenges she’s lived through. Shithead was just along for the ride. In the background. Like wallpaper. You can change the color of the walls anytime, and it might look different, but...

Obviously, she doesn’t subscribe to the “I can only eat salads in front of the opposite sex” rule of thumb a lot of chicks swear by. Who gave women that idea? Like a guy’s going...

Delores is a gorgeous name, for a gorgeous girl. Plus, it rhymes with clitoris…and I really know my way around them. Big fan.