The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.

And who are you supposed to be? the King of snot-nosed delinquents?

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

Remember: There’s a reason the fairy godmother gave Cinderella two glass slippers.

Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?” And that answer, I’m afraid, is silence.

I am not schizoid. A little manic-depressive, maybe.””‘Know thyself.'” “We try, sir.

One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.

You’re dropping the bow hand as you release,” he called, although Halt certainly wasn’t.His mentor looked around, saw him, and replied pithily, “I believe your grandmother needs lessons in sucking eggs.

You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.

That’s not cool, Blake. What’s next? Trying to stop a moving vehicle by standing in front of it, but whoops, I can’t do that and now I’m dead?

Cages, spanking benches, sawhorses, bondage tables. Scene after scene. Throaty moans, high screams, whining, whimpering, and groaning. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. All his cop instincts shouted for him to get his cuffs out and start...

Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him. He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. “You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!” He flew...

What are you doing?””I’m, uh, acting normal.””No you’re not. You’re acting like someone pretending to be normal. Stop pretending and start acting, but don’t act like you’re not pretending, that’ll make it worse.

I knew it! Not another list!

I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that.

I can pull over,” he answers smartly.

I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, “I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon.” Hopefully, with a little lunar luck, my track will also feature Corey Hart.

The Yale group was doing the Harold. So by our senior year we were trying to do the Harold. Again, we had no idea what we were doing. We had one guy in the group...

As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a leaky boat. Well, except for that fact that boats are not generally round, orange and on...

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replay in sports. They’ve already forgotten what’s happened.

We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it.

You bitch!”Why is it that whenever I draw blood, I’m a bitch?

A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.

Go make love to a tube sock.

Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you’re not Australian, it doesn’t negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow.

Pontius Pilate was going to set Jesus free or Barabbas free… he was gonna let the crowd decide. If that took place today, it would be in the form of a reality show

I don’t want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much.

Secret 53910321. When pitching a potential recruit, throw low and inside.

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

The map may not be the territory, but if the theory of a 2-dimensional holographic universe is confirmed, it means the territory is a map.

Dance like there’s nobody watching. Or filming. Never mind that creepy guy in the corner with the camcorder. Just keep dancing.

Secret 4.1. Whatever makes a nail go in is a hammer.

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.

The problem with the Peter Principle is that it assumes somebody somewhere is competent in the first place.

Meatloaf is meatloaf is not a true statement. You can have gravy on top, ketchup on top, and don’t forget you can also have love on top–however, you must understand that I would do anything,...

No thunder was ever angry, nor dark cloud somber. But every drizzle is definitely embarrassed.

If we could celebrate our birthday on any day of the year, would you choose the one you were born on? I’d be a fool and a liar if I told you I didn’t want...

Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!

Behind the waterfall of love you’ll find me, hiding in a barrel.

I’ve often been criticised, but never critically wounded

You don’t love me!” Agatha shouted. When she said that, I said I couldn’t agree more. Of course I completely disagreed with her, and that is why I simply could not agree more. It took...

If looks could kill…well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing.”See Dick,” Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. “Jane. Dick...

A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present.

I can’t hear the phrase ‘Bay of Pigs invasion’ without thinking of bacon.

I like food that speaks to me. Food like French toast, English muffins, and Deviled eggs. Oh, oval embryonic spawn of chicken, why hast thou deceived me?

Those who are ignorant of science fiction movie tropes are condemned to play imperial stormtroopers.

Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind wind farm of some kind. Hopefully I could provide enough power for all...

If my name were C. Ross, I’d definitely be religious.