Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off;...

Is it because I’m invisible?

I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married.

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you’re funny you will get over all of that.

The unredacted text hides a black smudge mark.

Agatha had her tubes tied and now she can’t get any toothpaste.

The driver got out smiling. He looked about seventeen or eighteen, and for a second, I had the uneasy feeling it was Luke, my old enemy. This guy had the same sandy hair and outdoorsy...

So, my sweet, did it put the fun into funeral?

Arizona is the A to Z of abbreviations.

Does he give you zings in your things?

You want to stab me again, don’t you?”He didn’t look at all ashamed. “Think of it as testing the limits of your new abilities.”I groaned. “I’ve created a monster.””I don’t think someone who recently crawled...

I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs.

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. “I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

Wish you were here” on the back, where exactly are you saying you wish they were?

I love the world, just, you know…not the people in it.

Then Leo realized something was blocking the middle of his view. Something large and fuzzy, and so close, Leo had to cross his eyes to see it properly. It was a large, ugly face. “Holy...

I have a funny side. I have a soft and sympathetic side. I have a serious side, and a seriously romantic side. I have lots of sides; it’s the main course I haven’t quite figured...

For our third date, Agatha said she wanted to pay separately. And I wouldn’t have readily agreed had I known she also meant she wanted to eat separately too.

I haven’t met that many women, human or angelic, who actually like to drive. In my experience they seem to be much more pragmatic about the whole thing than we are. For most males, driving...

A brick is to a blanket, as the moon is to Sun Tzu. Fear my fearlessness!

Perv.”He pointed to himself. “Male and eighteen. What’s your point?

If I had a funny thought and a runny nose, but only had one napkin and no paper, I’d rather use that napkin to write on than blow my nose. After all, that’s what sleeves...

A rap at the back door made her jump, and she peered through the window for a long time before she eased open the door a crack. She left the security chain on. ‘What do...

A brick could be fired out of a cannon, in an attempt to bring down a brick wall, just as index fingers could be severed and flicked at politicians, to try to correctly redirect blame.

The saga started out a normal day—don’t they all? I mean, surely one morning back there in prehistoric times a dinosaur woke up, yawned, chewed some coffee beans, and thought his day was going to...

My favorite thing to do is watch the radiation box. Not the TV, but the microwave.

Far be it from me to slow down two badass supermodels on a mission, but we have a problem,” a male voice said wryly.I could see Christian out of the corner of my eye as...

yes” in eyes. Except when I blink. Blinking is definitely a no action.

I come from a long line of miserable people.

I love iconoclasts. I love individuals. I love people that are true to themselves, whatever the cost.

One day Orafoura and I were walking along and I turned and said, “I wish I could capture the weather in a bottle.” Without looking at me he said, “You can capture rain in a...

Carnal love: a practical man’s love. A love you can see, touch, and taste if you’re kinky. If you can’t hear it, you’re probably better suited to its more abstract form.

I wouldn’t even get elected. I’d probably deck a couple of people, too which would not play very well with the national media.

Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

I don’t know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he’s funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me.

Salsa music is best when chewing on nachos. I’m a spicy lover. Taste me and see.

I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment.

My kitchen is not a place to live in. I made it white so I can tell instantly if it’s not clean-and I like it clean enough to be able to eat off the floors-or...

A brick can be used as a nickname for people who are slow, both physically and intellectually.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.

That’s the trouble with cookbooks. Like sex education and nuclear physics, they are founded on an illusion. They bespeak order, but they end in tears.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.

Generally with the Oscars or the Emmys there isn’t much you can do until the nominations are announced. Then you know what kind of year you’re dealing with – what’s been overlooked, what the issues...

I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.

Just point me to the nearest eighties rock video,” I said.

It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring.