Great shoes by the way. Sexy as hell.

If secrecy is the beginning of tyranny, declassification is its apotheosis.

Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me… It was an accident.

I cook. My favorite thing to make is love.

Secret 71910151. A story with legs usually involves legs with a story.

We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin.

I don’t subscribe to conspiracy theories unless they include the swimsuit issue for free.

I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).

Angry poor people are ‘enraged.’ Angry rich people are ‘livid.

I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.

Anything worth doing is worth neither confirming nor denying having done.

successful” person even thinks of going to bed.

I stand behind my words – it’s just hard to see me because they’re so much bigger than I am.

When I’m 42, I’ll have 21 years of experience being 21. I’ll be doubly prepared to handle myself in a bar, most likely by avoiding them altogether.

Mrs. P., if you value your life, you’ll go back inside and turn off the light right now.

I’ll name my firstborn child Squiblob, after his mother.

Don’t try this at home. Do this at home, or do this at home not, there is no try.

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

Don’t worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone.””If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great...

Albatross Harbor’s Man of the Year Award” went to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. And from all the votes this year (one), it looks like the winner will be me. I’ve already begun writing my acceptance...

Some vampires wouldn’t react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn’t recommend testing the theory.

When I was in the second grade, I used to think love was the feeling a man gets while riding a motorcycle and having a woman embrace him tightly from behind. Maybe I’m cynical now,...

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever.

Your life is a collection of body parts that could be used to save many people. And you’re not doing anything. What are you doing with your life that’s so important? Come on, let’s dissemble...

I think I’ll hang myself under the tree that Agatha and I had our first picnic under. I’ll just have to reschedule my dentist appointment.

Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics. I’m going to vote for Philo T. Farnsworth for president, and so should...

One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that has no doors, windows, or people in the form of managers that I’d...

A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told to or even looked at. That’s usually when I get out the Behavior Cloth (a blindfold).

If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself.

A brick could be used to smash my bottled up rage, and a blanket could be laid down beforehand to catch the shards.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

But I’m not talking about now. Last Tuesday I could have killed you. Had you in the scope of my rifle, but I let you live. Now THAT was stupid.

I am always happy, because whenever I am sad I just know that somewhere, somehow, there is a person who is PUSHING a door that says PULL.

A blanket could be used to protect your heart from heartbreak. Keep your heart warm, because if your heart grows as cold as ice, it’s much more likely to shatter.

Two things u just can’t control life and virginity ❤ ❤

A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging from. Let the homeowner know how much you care.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

I want to be the mayor of a small town. A small town I populated entirely with my seed.

Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.

A dancer on break approached him. She smiled. Each tooth was angled in a different direction, as if her mouth were the masterwork of a mad orthodontist. “Hi,” she said. “Hi.” “You’re really cute.” “I...

They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn’t subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally.

He’s good, Sal.” Always the family questions first. That was Sal Demenci’s style. He could be about to whack someone and he’d ask how the guy’s sister was doing in school.

Offstage, I couldn’t put things into words, and that was the one thing I’d always been able to rely on. Putting my feelings into words and praying they wouldn’t be able to get out again.

Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don’t look awful this time.Me (Ilona): …~A little later~Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*Kid 1: Hey, you’ve got to see these pies....

What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone’s orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.

01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep.

Of course Will was right again. But I realized clearly for the first time how desperate our plight was. It has been foolish to think we could rescue Kai. Now, wherever he is, it couldn’t...

I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills.

Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.

Oh, I’m good. Seriously, after all these years, you’d think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it.