Of course you know, this means war.

You’re not just doing that to impress her, are you?””Everything I do is to impress her. It’s my mission in life,” he said with a completely serious face, while he squeezed my knee under the...

Smartass Disciple: Why men don’t ready yet to join the intergalactic confederation?Master of Stupidity: Men could make them laugh to death. It’d be too risky for them.

I’m telling a Richard Pryor story through me.

Every time I watchLady and the TrampI think”SHE’S HAVING SOME OF YOUR PASTA!””QUICK! EAT IT ALL! EAT IT ALL, NOW!!!””GROWL! BARE YOUR TEETH! DO SOMETHING!”OH, DON’T GIVE HER THE MEATBALL!THERE’S MEAT IN IT!””IDIOT!”But then againI’m...

I wish I was a tree so I could reproduce asexually.

You know, you can’t make the people do what you want them to do.

I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.

Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you’re going to think about me naked, do it on your own time.” […]”This is my time, Hathaway. I’m leading today’s session.” “Oh yeah?” I retorted....

You can sit on a brick, and milk a cow with a blanket.

I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

When I was younger I used to think that band-aids did all the work. I mean after all, it binds your wound together and makes everything better back to the way it was. But then...

However, in the bedroom or in the club, I am a lot more equal than you.

Awesome ends with me; but Ugly starts with u…

Oh, that sounds kinky. I want my safeword to be peaches,” I said, grinning.

The moonlight caught the glint of his lip ring, which he was now fondling with the tip of his tongue as he stared down at me. It was a bit awkward.

Nobody’s watchin’ if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I’m somewhat of an expert.

cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin’ in your house, I’d kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder.

I’m kidding, you idiot. Let’s go.

I may not be a witch, but I will knock her right off that broomstick if she keeps this up.

For the most part, each day listed a different rendition of “Justin ate well” and “Justin took a great nap”. Every now and then they noted Justin doing unusual things, like biting. I was embarrassed...

A hundred people is rather a large handful for the four of us to take on,” Malcolm pointed out. “Do you have any ideas about how we’re going to handle that task?””Simple,” Halt told him....

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

I’m not leaving, Kitten. You’re going to do this.”My mouth opened as did the door behind us. Stomach dropping, I turned to see Mom standing there in all her fuzzy-bunny pajama glory. Oh, for the...

His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I...

You should have seen the costumes for the last few prom themes: Pimps and their srteet ho’s; CEOs and their office ho’s; GI Joes and their combat ho’s; Gardeners and their garden hose;Firemen and their...

—,Acabas de… lavar un plato? —Dee retrocedió lentamente, parpadeando. Miró a Daemon—. El mundo se va a terminar. Y sigo siendo vir…—¡No! —gritaron los hermanos al unísono. Daemon parecía que en realidad iba a vomitar.—Jesús,...

When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.

Behold the Power of the peanut. His body mass may be small, but his influence is mighty. The last holdout in the Tower has officially fallen to him. (Said by Pia about the effect her...

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That’s a step too far.

When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls.

Spanish—how shall I say this?—is likePortuguese spoken with a speech impediment.

Gliding down the bike path on a Saturday morning, you whip by somebody peddling in the opposite direction and give each other a nod. For a moment it’s like “Hey, we’re both doing the same...

William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?

There are only two profound ways to reach enlightenment: Laugh by yourself, or get tickled.

I remember watching Gilda Radner when I was a kid and everyone thought she was so funny and no one ever said that she was a funny woman, she was just funny.

College is a place to keep warm between high school and an early marriage.

Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!

No, but as a vampire, I’m able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy.

I breathe onto a mirror just to make sure I’m still alive, and to see how good looking my breath is.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Love is a damagemade to the heart,violence,fate thats written,Changeable by distance,Breakable by time…!

Like…um, the Little Mermaid?

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I’ll be first in line.

Here’s a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, “Obsession.”Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob

Boy, you knock on the devil’s door and he will head slam you through the wall.

So you thought you could shit and eat at the same time. How disgustingly convenient.

The girl says “Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I’m dressed this way does not make me a whore!” Which is true, Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a...