Middle age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don’t recognize you

I loved her like the sun raining down on my skin. It was all so confusing, because was it raining or was it sunny? The answer is that love is always both, and that’s why...

Frosting was his favorite. He liked to eat doughnuts at every meal. Because it was healthier to eat six small meals a day than three large ones, he restricted himself: jellied for breakfast, glazed for...

To their eyes, I was love. To their ears, I was truth. To their noses, I was anus.

Parker, I’m old,” She said matter-of-factly. “I get away with these things.” She continued to wave and smile wildly. “People treat me like an idiot so I’m allowed to act like one from time to...

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.

If you want to save your child from polio, you can pray or you can inoculate. … Choose science.

If I had 31 minutes to live, I’d ask God to be there for me in my hour of need. I’m always like that, rounding up and needy.

Just because we don’t understand why they’d cover up something doesn’t mean they aren’t,” Bobby said, and we both turned to look at him. “Now you just sound paranoid,” I said. “Just because you’re paranoid...

But you will.”And she knew he was right.

My gramps is a lot like you. No sense of adventure. All he does is sit in his urn…

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

To be, or not to be: what a question!

Theatres are curious places, magician’s trick-boxes where the golden memories of dramtic triumphs linger like nostalgic ghosts, and where the unexplainable, the fantastic, the tragic, the comic and the absurd are routine occurences on and...

I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.

Your pupils are dilated. Does that mean you want to fuck me or eat me? Because I might have a problem with one of those.-Dex to Sloane

My arms and legs fell asleep. Silence of the Limbs.

Would you prefer swive? Tup? Dance the buttock jig?

Love is something I know all about. Not from experience, but from quizzing numerous hookers about their chosen industry.

Sikujui.

Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?” she asked him, indulging herself and letting her head rest on his shoulder. God, he felt good. Her man....

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.

Duck!” Not a Feathery Quack Maker, but Get down!

How did you not know they broke up? You usually monitor his social media like he’s al-Qaeda and you’re the CIA.

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.

Her voice was now so shrill only bats would be able to hear it soon, but she had reached a level of indignation that rendered her temporarily speechless..

The funny thing about writing is that whether you’re doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That’s actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.

I’m sure that’s a rule. Or should be. For my sisters anyway.

You were spying on me?” I repeated, this time my tone was stern.”Nonsense! I was making sure you were safe.” He answered, fluttering his wings and landing in front of me. “That’s what friends do.

A blanket could be used to quell the rebellion. Wait until all the men are asleep before you kill them, rape them, and declare victory. Actually, it would be better to rape the men before...

Count yourself fortunate.” He made an elegant sweep of his hand toward the sun. “Daylight does not make them turn to ash, but they become bloody damn infants, whinging on about irritated eyes and sluggish...

A blanket could be used to cover the engine of a car, much like a hood does, only the blanket would help the car fall asleep when it was spending its idle time idling.

As the middle child of the Laurel Canyon Adams Family, Whit was surprisingly chill on the subject of ampire-vays.

A blanket could be used to crack the code of love. What is it, where do I find it, and how much do I charge people to buy it once I do find a reliable...

I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Whenever I think of something but can’t think of what it was I was thinking of, I can’t stop thinking until I think I’m thinking of it again. I think I think too much.

…space flight still had a long way to go to catch up with the safety record of the milkshake industry.

A blanket could be used to barter with. I could trade my blanket for your sex, and everybody’s happy but the tax collector.

Called her a whore and attacked her walls, tearing down her posters and throwing her books everywhere. I found out because some whitegirl ran up and said, Excuse me, but your stupid roommate is going...

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole.

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

His ass has seen more cock than a poultry farm!

A brick could replace the cardboard bill on a baseball cap. On a windy day, no gust will knock your hat off.

Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It’s our way.

I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters, I poop burritos, and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.

I had to say it gave me a warm feeling to picture Meredith Winslow spending twenty years or so in an ill fitting orange jumpsuit, cozying up to a great big girl named Beulah

A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to use it up at all. Well, if you won’t use it, then give...