I’ll carry Carrie like my hands are as empty as my heart. I never hold my own love.

There is nothing more enjoyable than being a member of an enlightened group of people that meets in complete darkness in complete secrecy. I have no idea why the other members joined, when they joined,...

Salsa music is best when chewing on nachos. I’m a spicy lover. Taste me and see.

My love is a good neighbor—there is a fence around my heart. I’m not cold-hearted, despite having a touch of Frost in there.

If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem didn’t exist before I opened the hood. So did I cause the problem...

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?

I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents at all, they’d simply be a married couple. (Or maybe without me they...

My grandpa doesn’t even have a grand to his name.

I practice karate moves when I think nobody is watching. It’s all part of being a real American badass, I guess. Chicks dig it. I mean they would, if they ever looked and caught me...

When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7 girls, and one hermaphrodite named Sam.

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.

A brick could be used to commit genocide on a small patch of grass, if you lay the brick down on the lawn and leave it there long enough. But I do not condone this...

I put the hell in hello—especially when waving at my mother-in-law. If looks could kill, she’d wish she were Helen Keller.

I kiss like a skyscraper meets the sky, only with less scraping and more vertigo.

I’ve demanded of myself to be more demanding of others.

My son’s name will be Sonya, like his mother, whose name will be Dadya.

Our love went from fly to flower to butterfly, and it was meant to beautifully flutter, not sit still on a shelf like a trophy to be collected.

I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth.

My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.

As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone.

You’ll drown in my love story, if I ever write it using a fountain pen.

Numbers have power. But not enough to supply all the energy for all your daily electrical needs. There’s just not enough strength in numbers for all that.

Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you.

Write.” And do you know how long it takes to type with one hand while your other hand is shaking from holding a loaded Sig Sauer? Well, at least twice as long.

I’m rich in poverty. I got no money coming out of my ass. I’m up to my neck in broke.

A poem for Beth: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I didn’t know what love meant, until I looked it up in the dictionary.

Of all the smiths from goldsmiths to John Smiths, the most powerful is the wordsmith, because he can influence your emotions and cognitions. And while you are standing there pondering what he said, he can...

Love is the thing that holds life together. Sort of like rind to a melon, cloth to a stuffed animal, or money to the time spent with a stripper.

I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.

I’m writing” to sleep all the time.

I made 100 dollars, or a Ben Franklin, today. And out of that I probably spent his face, or about five bucks, but I squandered it dishonorably. I should have saved face and saved face,...

I’ll wear a maze on a necklace, dangling over my chest, because if you want to get at my heart, you have to be ready to lose yourself.

Drinking coffee is like chugging a galloping racehorse, and that’s why I’m wearing this baby carrier on my back—to hold the jockey.

Don’t marry a man because he has a billion dollars. Divorce him for it.

I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.

I had a dream about you. You made the coffee and I made love to your sister. Everybody agrees: we need more cream.

I can Control F to find words and phrases lost in a sea of literature, but why can’t I Control F to find one object among a hoarder’s clutter?

I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.

If you can listen to or read anything, but misspelled words offend you, raise your hadn.

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

Cats are always there when you need them, asleep, telling you with their body language that they don’t need you.

I want to get married, but first I’ll have to get a divorce.

Advice about love: When the green grape turns red, it’s time to separate the socks from the mittens.

I wish there were a vending machine that served cats. Not to eat, but to pet during my work break.

Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my...

I’d rather have a horse in a glass, because I’ll be just down the hall if you need me. My affection is fluid, so why won’t you let me love you?

I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser.

I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying to throw it on the campfire.

I took some of the price off, and she took some of her clothes off. She made love and I made money.

How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let me check and see if Helen Keller wrote a dictionary that’s touchable, like...