The word ubiquitous is itself ubiquitous in today’s writing.

A blanket could be used to trap and contain love. I’ve tried other stuff, like a Ziploc bag, a can of tuna, and even a dead cat’s stomach, but nothing seems to be able to...

Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.

Coffee, it’s love you can brew and drink. There is an edible kind of love, and if you’re interested, I make it by hand.

A brick could be used to grow your annual income by a factor of four. What, you don’t believe me? Are you calling me a liar?

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could...

I don’t drink coffee. Sorry, I don’t mean to burden you with my personal problems.

I’ve often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it’s the one right after the next to the last one.

Conversations.” Of course, it’s all talk at this point.

When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?

I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow a mustache.

Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt...

I heard Africa was having a drought, so I mailed them a bucket of tears. Hope that helps, fellas.

I like to spoon after I fork.

Hey, man, I hope you brought marshmallows.

I have no brothers or sisters, so I get all my sibling love. But since I can’t take what’s already mine, I end up giving it all to my cat.

Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say, that reminds me…

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?

I love the newspaper. I love reading fiction.

When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.

We made love like Mondays on the moon at noon. I was her Neil Armstrong, and she was my midnight.

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.

To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already in my bloodstream.

With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich.

The party was dry, she was wet, and the sky was in the middle (cloudy, but no rain). Love was in the air, and that’s why I brought an umbrella.

When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day.

I value your friendship. I value it at one billion dollars. We should sell it.

She could be the love of my life, and I just met her. I’m 31 years old. She’s late.

If it is what it isn’t, it must be love. And I must be in it.

There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.

There’s more salt in the ocean than in one bag of chips. Let this be a lesson in love.

A brick could be used like a simile, and I’d like it. But not as much as I’d like it if you used a blanket instead. But don’t use the blanket that’s on my bed,...

Blankets could be used to identify liars and thieves, if lawmakers passed laws stating that lawmakers were required by law to wear blankets out in public.

The French Revolution was the best thing to ever happen inside a croissant the shape of the Fertile Crescent, with a flaky crust like a politician with dandruff.” Of course, when Orafoura told me this...

With six pieces of wood, I’m building a life, and my coffin.

My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.

Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through.

Who art thou? Are you art, or a guy named Art? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is, Are you for sale?

Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m...

I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.

Snow on one side of the canvas, silence on the other. I’d call that a perfect painting.

Palindromes—making life easier for dyslexics since, like, forever.

In a good economy, people work hard to succeed. In a bad economy, people work hard to not fail.

I had a dream about you. The ice melted so quickly in our relationship that I didn’t even have a chance to tell you I loved you. So I just sat there, alone, slurping up...

Politician you out.

There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t.

I had a dream about you. You were the lead guitarist in a band with no voice, and you were holding auditions for lead singer. Everybody in line in front of me and behind me...

Before you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.

I have been traveling for decades, and I’ve finally reached a conclusion: I still have much to learn.

I had a dream about you. We picked up where we left off, with leftovers, and I said this was the best second-time dinner I’ve ever had a first time. Oh, I had it before,...