Thanks, but my name is Gracias.

You say guest, and I say prisoner. But I say it with love, so mine is preferable to yours.

I still remember my middle school locker combination. Maybe I should go back to my old locker to see if I left my innocence in there.

How To Tweeze Your Way To Wealth, by I. Brows

Today I had to cut my Silent and Still Statue Demonstration Ceremony short due to wind conditions. Tonight I’ll make love like a tornado.

I am a bowling alley celebrity. Women throw themselves at me. Sometimes other women (larger women) throw other women (smaller women) at me.

I don’t sleep naked, because that’s not proper beach etiquette.

What does it say about me that I don’t say much? It doesn’t say I love you, and that’s sad, because when I ignore you, that’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you.

He has one of the worst personalities. Actually, you can’t call it a personality, since he acts more like an animal than a person.

Sleep is fueled by no fuel. If I had enough coffee, I’d never have to sleepwalk my way through a marathon again.

I once tried to shave my mustache off with a toothbrush. Just one example of my skills as a lover.

For just over my price range, I can get something way under my quality expectation level. Thanks, inflation!

She’s the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—after I turn 99.

Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.

Let’s make love in the library—in the romance section.

I have pride in my name, because I have pride in myself. I do not represent my name—my name represents me.

I want to do something for a living that when it comes time to retire and I can stop doing it, I’ll want to continue doing it in my free time.

I had a dream about you. We were in a band. I was the lead singer, guitar player, saxophonist, harpist, violinist, bassist, cellist, harmonica player, pianist, and drummer. Oh, and I played the trumpet. And...

Renaldina told Renaldo and Renaldo told me, so that’s two points for possible miscommunication, especially when you consider that she’s deaf and he’s blind, so it went through two language variations and two incompatible methods...

Thinking ahead is like remembering the future. How about that time we made love? I’ll bet it will be amazing.

My body looks the same, but I gained 20 pounds. The difference is that right now I have an erection, and before I didn’t.

I told her I’d wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who’d give me a ride home.

Nothing is going on under his skull. All his neural activity happens between his hips.

J is the sexiest letter, followed closely by a,r,o,d, and then k,i,n,t,z.

To be a great writer, you must be nomadic. I’d recommend the hunter/gatherer lifestyle for anybody serious about being nonsensical.

I put the anal in analysis. Now don’t you go putting your dick in my work.

Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.

If it’s transparent, how do you know what shape it is?” Good question. Well, for one thing, I put it together, and for another, I’m currently wearing it like body armor (though to the casual...

What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I’d be lying. Actually, I’m only pretending that you aren’t on my mind. But I know that you don’t mind.

I just bought a can of brown paint. It’s more expensive than coffee, but I really hit the wall after I chug it.

Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.

After learning the foreign language Gibberish, I became a dream spokesman.

I type as fast as a ten-legged man who just had eight legs chopped off runs.

I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.

Believe in yourself,” with an accompanying image of a wilting flower.

Roasted Roadkill and Hitchhiker’s Surprise” (this recipe is a secret concoction handed down from my great grandfather to my grandfather, who told it to my dad just before he ran him over).

The ocean waves were choppy. Good thing I know karate and was able to fight back.

Gain a person’s trust through numerous small acts of benevolence, so you can lose their trust in one large act of self-enrichment.

Hemingway suggested you write the truest sentence you know. I say write the falsest one you don’t know. This is fiction.

Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.

Come buy from me what you could rent elsewhere. Like a Like button or a wiggly wrench—or donuts that yesterday would have been free at the store next to mine.

My name is Yogurt Vonnegut, and I write with a spoon.

I’m running from the very person I’m chasing, and this is how I know I’m in love.

To me, life is sad, like a piano with no pedals being played by a person with no fingers.

flat” characters, are all maps. It’ll be a story about boundaries.

The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.

Mr. Armstrong has strong arms. Probably from bicycling so much. And steroids.

I like coffee tables. I’m into drinkable furniture.

Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.

I don’t eat Sloppy Joes. I eat Tidy Josephs.