I make love like Jello-O is liquid. And I masturbate like Jell-O is solid. I’m tired of sex with blow up dolls.

I don’t understand people who don’t like meatloaf. Your mom doesn’t make it like Michael Aday does.

I had a dream about you. The sun was setting on our relationship like the sun was rising over the ocean. It was so beautiful, with all the pinks and soft blues.

I have a spreadsheet of all the women I’d like to spread and sheet. Your mom is on my list. So is your grandma, may she rest in peace.

Twitter—up to the minute minute details.

Blood is like water, to a vampire. And coffee is like blood, to a tired mosquito. And my love is like an itch—and a scratch.

My love is tube shaped. Don’t let your dad stick his dick in it.

The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down with disinfectant, the ball brand new, and everybody playing wore gloves and hairnets...

My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for details. Coupon not valid with any other offer.

The words I love you, as a unit, are like a knife that only stings once you remove the blade from the relationship.

I remember the second time I took Agatha out. I wanted to go to Dairy Queen, and she wanted to go to Burger King. In the end we settled for wieners and clams at Johnny...

The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?

Nine out of ten people agree, it was right and just to kill and eat that one guy. That’s love. That’s democracy. That’s a free dinner.

A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as...

Put the number seven in front of a mirror and what do you have? If you answered 77, then perhaps you talk to yourself in the mirror, and wait for a response from your reflection....

I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks to melt so I could drink it and leave, but it was like...

I’ll bet Ryan Lilly drinks coffee like a flower—a lily. I drink coffee more like two roses and a nose walk into a bar. I would tell you what the bartender said, but to be...

If I tried to mail our love, it’s irregular shape and unknowable dimensions would make it difficult to box up. That’s why I’d chop it up and stuff it in a garbage bag, like it...

My heartbeat’s so loud it’s like a tap dancer in my chest. No, it’s more like Mr. Morse, tapping out the code of love.

Witnesses in my dream can place me in my bed, asleep, at the time of the murder.

I told the Nicks I had to nix their idea. I mean it’s silly. Why would I name all my clones Nick Name? If I did that, what would their nicknames be?

She makes my heart flutter, like a butterfly with the wings of an eagle.

Bring your son to work night” at NAMBLA’s manufacturing plant. What does NAMBLA make? NAMBLA makes me sick.

My mother always told me not to pick my nose, so I’m going let the plastic surgeon decide what my new nose will look like. I’m hoping he makes it look like either a Tiffany...

You can’t help who your parents are or aren’t. My parents aren’t—they don’t exist and have never existed.

A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.

I bought a faucet, but water wasn’t included. That’s like when you buy my love—it’s dirty and used, but soap isn’t included.

Meow.

I’ve always wanted to kill someone by stealing their sound. If you’ve got no sound, you’ve got no voice. And it’s impossible to scream with no voice. So it’s like murdering a mime, only with...

Alcohol is a crutch, for people with liquid legs. Our first date went swimmingly, like Michael Phelps mining for gold. 1849 just called me, and it wants its Levi’s jeans back. If you help with...

Since my love is so foggy, I could never date a woman named Misty. Or Steve, because that’s my dad’s name, and that’d be strange.

I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d be just as easy for my clone to pretend to be me as...

I spent New Year’s Eve tweezing my nipple hairs. If I were any more romantic, I’d be a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Let’s start a new family.

I’m afraid of fear, men named Raef, and palindromes.

I’ll bet you make love like an orca whale sings opera. How do you make love? Bjork Orca asked me. Like an orca whale sings opera, only with more wetness, more shattered glass, and less...

I gave my girlfriend a gallon of my semen and a minivan and told her to fill it up with kids. Big mistake! I should have given her a bus.

Wow! This was one advanced society.”

I make love like I make coffins—with my bare hands, alone in my garage. On sale through Thursday—Buy One Funeral, Get A Second One Free!

A fly with an elephant on its back would give the illusion of a flying elephant, if that fly were powered by my love for you.

Love is like a door—it’s either open or closed. Either that or it’s both—open to others, but closed to you.

I spend a lot of time trying to not be me. So much so that I have become who I’m not.

I’m not flat broke. I’m a little hilly.

She forgot my name, so either I’m not important or she has amnesia. I wonder how long she’s suffered from dementia.

There is nothing more romantic than candles and flowers, except candles that smell like flowers and flowers that can be burned, as they flicker light while you dine alone and ponder how much of a...

The dollar isn’t worth its weight in gold, and the pound isn’t worth its weight in ounces.

All I need is your love. And money.

My name is Sam (my name is Am), and I am my own fan. I’m a clone of Jarod Kintz, and he supports my message.

Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.

To treat everyone equally is offensive, because it fails to recognize anyone as an individual.