If 12 of the finest soldiers were asked to follow bravely into battle, and near certain death, then I’d be very grateful to be the 13th best fighter.

Everything is offensive, to somebody. I mean, you could say Congress and I’d be in a rage.

Fighting and dancing are kind of related. Especially if you dance with another man’s woman.

I never speed, because if I get into an automobile crash and die, I don’t want to have arrived earlier than I was supposed to for my death.

Why,” because it is my destiny to question everything, including how to change my last name to one of the shortest questions and the question of all questions.

You may be dying, but I’m going to have a picnic and enjoy this glorious day. I won’t let your impending death spoil my afternoon.

50% of sales are going to come from women buying it for men, but where are the other 50% in sales going to come from? Mars. The thing I’m selling? Love. Supplies are unlimited, and...

A guy I grew up with recently died. I attended his funeral, but only because I thought there’d be free food afterwards. I brought to-go boxes with me. You know, to remember him for as...

This morning my car wouldn’t start. I guess that’s better than if my car wouldn’t stop. As a lover I’m a bring-my-own-bicycle kind of guy.

Death, the great What if.” I dreamt this, but that doesn’t make it any less what iffier.

When I make love, I always wear protection. I wear mittens.

When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I did, because otherwise somebody would have died—and even worse, I’d be tired.

When someone insults me, I simply shut down. Then I open back up at 9 am the next morning.

One of the things you never want to be in this life is boring. But once, sad to say, I put my cat to sleep. Who knew you could euthanize any living creature by reading...

God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it.

For being so ugly, I think God should reward me handsomely. He should give me the tender hands of a lover—and not those of a self-lover.

The world is my canvas, and my ponytail is my paintbrush. Helen Keller probably had a ponytail too, though my art has more vision. Barely.

Love is the most precious gift you could ever possibly hope to steal. Some women foolishly do not leave their rib cages locked at night.

A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can’t wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to...

I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can’t get to them.

I dreamt it in my dream. You tried to steal my dream—the whole thing. But even though it was a dream, it was still too heavy for you to lift.

I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.

A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels.

I had a dream about you. We were comparing scars. All of yours were on your body, while all of my scars were on the bodies of people I’ve known throughout my life. It’s true,...

I’m like Waldo, in that I’m trying to find myself. And I’m wearing a red and white striped sweater.

A brick could be used to wade into dangerous territory with a man named Wade who builds houses made only of wood. But if you’re going to play with fire, I suggest you wear a...

I had a dream about you. The leaves changed from yellow to red, but the stoplights did not. This made me continually cautious, and you kept honking at me. I thought you were the rudest...

ost.

A blanket could be used to crack the code of love. What is it, where do I find it, and how much do I charge people to buy it once I do find a reliable...

When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are...

My motto: I’ll do it today, or tomorrow, or the next day, or not.

A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm up first.

If your TV is broken, don’t get a new one—get a new hobby: reading.

I have a hangover and a headache. It’s called my conscience.

A blanket could be used like cloud cover

I’ll let you see the door is open, so you know I’m open to the idea that you can leave anytime you want. So long as you are able to pick the lock on your...

Don’t you think she’s a bit too young to be a wife and mother?” Fucking pedophiles.

transparent” administration.

I want to drum up interest for instruments that are played by beating them with sticks.

I pet plants. Especially if they’re fir trees.

A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat.

The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made love like Nickelback makes music—and I enjoyed it, but I wish the fans...

A handshake is a balanced transaction, an even interaction based on agreement. A handshake is a physical representation of quid pro quo. But if Seth Goden is right, and we are now past this for...

A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall.

Love is like $19.99. If you bring $20 dollars, I’ll bring a penny.

Irish I were I wish, so being drunk all the time would be socially acceptable.

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with conveyer belts, mechanical assistance, and cheap labor.

I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep.

A brick could be used as a cock block.