Forget cloning. I can make people. It’s called sex, and it’s more fun than science.

My life was unbalanced. That is, until I found love and grew a second leg.

Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream.

A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time.

There’s nobody worth talking about, so let’s not talk about it. Only let’s do it anyway. I’ll make it up and then make up later.

Dolly,” because not only is the Everyman a sheep, but he’s also a clone. They all think alike and act alike.

A blanket could be used to tell people a thousand miles and a thousand years away hello. Greetings European people of 3013! I hope you still speak Europe and can understand not a word of...

I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.

Everything good I have written about can be summed up in two words: Ryan Lilly.” That’s a real quote I read in a real book. Trust me, I’m a writer.

A brick could be used to declare war on a country made of glass. I’ll bet those citizens would love to drink vodka dyed blue like window cleaner.

I’ve had the paperwork sitting on my desk for the past nine months, waiting to be filled out and sent in. I feel like I’ve given birth to procrastination.

I drank so much booze I was bamboozled. Alcohol makes my mind as discombobulated as love makes my heart. I’d sure appreciate it if you poured me a large glass of romance.

A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace like with like, and what’s more flat than a brick?

If love were a color, it would be green. At least for me. But her love is blue, and she’s too cool to see that my envy is just amped up jealousness, and a display...

My attic is the size of a can of cat food, only filled with more meows and not as tasty. So you see, I have nowhere to store all my love but in your heart.

A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be...

When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory.

I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all, that’s just some stranger hanging around in my memory.

A blanket could be used to understand Understanding. At least I think so. The process is complicated, and really hard to understand.

I write sappy love poetry. Mostly about bleeding trees.

Extended family is great. If you want to know how extended your family is, just go out and win the lottery. Your phone will be ringing nonstop. And you know I’ll call you too, because...

A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick your little dicks in the brick after a few beers.

Would you rather have sight, or insight? I’d rather have a double cheeseburger.

Normally I charge 60 cents on the dollar for stolen merchandise. But since it was my mother-in-law, and I stole it from her, I only charged her 50 cents on the dollar. That’s love.

A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current girlfriend and my new best guy friend.

If the word “committee” were an acronym, the two “T”s would stand for time travel. How else can a group waste so much time unless they feel they can always go back and retrieve it?

When I think about my dad, I start clapping. I’m not applauding because he lived, but because he died.

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.

I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.

The cause isn’t worth getting up for, but it is worth sleeping for. Just trying to do my part to help humanity.

Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity.

If you already knew, why did you ask?

I am the minister in The Ministry of Scarcity, but I’m not ordained because they were out of the paper they use to print the certificates on. Still, the title alone carries some weight (2.2...

A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.

I’m a romantic. I like cold coffee and orgasms that arrive fifteen minutes after I’ve put on my clothes and paid the lady.

If you’re ever in a ghost town, it’s only appropriate to visit the cemetery. Also, ever thought that coffee’s steam is the rising soul of your dead sleep?

A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.

If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.

What is it about money that makes people kill for it? I’ll have to think about that next time I do it.

A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an artificial heart could replace the brick.

I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.

The temperature in the room seems to have gone up about ten degrees. My armpits are sweating and I notice myself vigorously massaging my left hand with my right hand. I am clenching my jaw...

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply much more than I want.

Earn your money, and earn my love. Just like money, sometimes you have to spend love to make love.

What do you call 1,000 government employees with no mouths or legs? More efficient.

I won eight gold medals that day. I was like Michael Phelps, except I was the only person competing in all those events. Still, I count the number of golds, not the number of competitors.

If liquid courage smelled like cologne and gushed out of my penis, I’d make a better fire fighter than I’m not right now.

I want to live for a very, very long time, but it’s important that I take care of my body. When I am 851 years old, I don’t want to look it. No, I want...

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.