If a woman named Ms. Silver won a gold medal, she’d probably be a little disappointed she didn’t place second. My love always finishes first, while my love always comes second.

If I say your breasts are perfect, don’t tell me I’m wrong—prove me wrong by showing me. If more people voted with their wallets, more strippers would be elected officials.

With a tough decision, the act of flipping a coin allows you to figure out which you really prefer, because as the coin is spinning, you find yourself slightly pulling for either heads or tails....

Love is a gift you receive by giving. The more love you give, the more love you get. Try it out today, and try it out with me. Go ahead—give me all your love.

When politicians declare war, I declare my love for antilove for them.

He’s being silent again. Tell him to be quiet.

I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.

The political climate is stable, when you keep the ruling animals in a stable. I no longer vote for anything that can’t be ridden by a monkey dressed like a cowboy.

I’m sad that I’m leaving, but I’m happy that I’m going. The thing is, I am in love, and I’m going to be in love—but there are two people, two places, and one destination—in love.

My shoes are scuffed and dirty from dancing. The grave of my enemy is where I go to find my inner Astaire.

I had a dream about you. I was a chef and you were a buffet. The people were starving, children were dying of malnutrition, and all the politicians tried feeding them rhetoric. I suggested we...

I love writing about love, even though I’m an emotional orphan. I didn’t abandon my feelings—they abandoned me!

I had a dream about you. I was a robot that looked like Robert the Bruce, and you were a Bruce that looked like a Robert. You also danced like a robot, and I danced...

I believe the shortest path between two points involves an elaborate maze as the only option of travel, entry and exit fees, and forms and applications that must be approved before the journey can even...

The country with the most writers is ironically probably the country with the least readers—USA. And once my parents die, my entire reading base will disappear.

Your book is nonsense.

I once saw a cockroach try to step on a politician, because it thought it was vile and disgusting.

I’m too two for my taste. I want to be more one, more of a winner. If I start thinking like a champion, maybe I’ll start cheating like one.

I’m so lowbrow that I don’t want to grow a unibrow, but I do want to grow a unicycle on my forehead.

All books are coloring books, if you are in possession of a childlike imagination, and a box of markers.

A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

I’m twice as twice as the guy in second place. My love comes first.

A car crash could be considered art, and I’d like to install one in a museum. Helmets would be sold at the admission booth.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.

Love is like 17 cents minus 33,333.50 dollars. No wait, that’s not love—that’s how much debt I owe for a worthless college degree.

I was spotted at a Communist meeting. I got caught red-handed.

I don’t understand people who eat Chinese food with chopsticks when the restaurant also offers silverware. As a tool, chopsticks are inferior to western utensils like the spoon and fork. So why use them? That’s...

The with is shorter than the without, but the with makes the without bearable, as the shadow of memory is long and bright. Let this be a lesson in love.

I train for the winning moments, hoping all those seconds off the clock will lead to firsts. I train for seconds, that’s all—not even a cumulative minute—and that’s why I only ever earn seconds. Still,...

I carry a little plastic tub with me, and I put my most valuable possessions in them—my means of travel, which are my feet. I soak them, sometimes for hours, while I watch a movie...

I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs.

A blanket could be used to feed the homeless. I mean warm the coldless. I mean coldsome. I wouldn’t know, because I’m homefull.

Most fools drink after one another, from a thinking cup that is empty. But I only drink after people whose cups are filled with a fluid to fascination ratio of nearly 1:1.

A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

You’re under no obligation to accept my oppression, but it is strongly recommended. I’ll make you love me, even if I have to impoverish you and then imprison you. –Uncle Sam

A brick could be used to sell pepper to people in the salt mines. So while you’re busy selling pepper to the salty and sweaty workers, I’ll be selling them bottled water.

I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.

Brick!”

If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting.

With one blanket, you and I could wrap up like a burrito. Yum. And if you want melted cheese, just fart a bit.

We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin.

A brick could be used as a musical instrument. It doesn’t matter how bad it sounds, because I’ll be the band’s lead singer, and my sexy voice is like melted butter on a corn on...

I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.

A blanket, when taken to the top of a mountain and laid flat, could be painted orange and used as a landing pad for when the aliens come to earth to save humanity. The only...

My name is Davis Davis. And don’t call me Mr. Davis! How would you like it if I called you Mr. Archibald, or whatever your first name is?

A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise,...

Today I’m in love. Today is Tuesday, though that’s not why I’m in love. I’m in love with Friday, and I actually fell in love yesterday.

A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers every four years. The sheeple will never even notice that every new model...

I want more sleep. It won’t happen, but I can dream, right?

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don’t actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children...