I had a dream about you. We were standing next to each other, and a stranger asked for the time. My watch said 3:32, and yours said 3:33. I got concerned because somewhere I’d lost...

I wouldn’t mind showering in the rain, if there weren’t so many naked men holding umbrellas standing behind me. Who invited Congress?

My hobby is boxing up all my stuff and then unpacking it and pretending I just moved and I’m getting a fresh start on life. And I make love like a professional boxer, only without...

In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.

I took some naked pictures the other day. I don’t feel shamed, but I do feel remorse over having to steal the whole camera to get the pictures.

We made love like there was no tomorrow. Looking back, we should have made love like there was no yesterday.

Tennis should be played with a canoe paddle. And 30-love isn’t just a score, it was my age and feeling. Hand me a creek, because my eyes are dry.

I’m going to Australia. But first I’ve got to put on my swimming suit and stretch.

I always have safe sex. I lock the door.

Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her.

A lake is not an ocean. But my love for you is. And it’s drying up as we speak—or, rather, as we don’t speak.

A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.

She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it.

What I thought was a black hole turned out to be nothing more than a splatter of ink on my tie. And I assumed I was wearing the most astrological outfit of the century.

A mafia don could snap his fingers and somebody would snap my neck. But when I snap my fingers, people start dancing. Or at least my clones would.

A brick could be used as a thick bumper sticker. Then if you get in a crash, you can blame it on the housing market and the element of irrational exuberance created by Alan Greenspan.

Love is like war, and I am the picnic basket out on the battlefield.

We all know that products don’t drive sales—people do. We buy the person, not the service.

You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my...

I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.

I’ll give you the key to my heart, if you promise not to make duplicates.

Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My mom is not a bitch.

I think we should keep politics out of church, and back in hell where it belongs.

My heart is closed, but open. Closed to one woman in particular, but open to the public. Guided tours are offered Monday through Friday 9-5.

It’s easier to pick apart what is, than put together what isn’t.

I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his urethra. If you hurry, you can make it to mine in under 15 dollars. I mean minutes.

It’s not entirely true that I lusted after a married woman. I also lusted before her.

I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest.

I used to live with someone of the opposite sex. It’s called a sister, and I don’t have one.

No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophical belief system.

Like ice, this economy is more fluid than ever. Thanks, Washington, DC!

My mother-in-law scared the hell out of me. But it’s cool, because the stench of Satan reminds me of her anyways. Hungry? Deviled eggs anyone?

This book is dedicated to all the lawn chairs in all the living rooms of the world. I pray this book provides your owners with the strength, courage, and the wisdom to vacuum their lawns...

Republicans are a glass half full, and Democrats are a glass half empty. Either way, I want a new glass. I want it full, and I want it clean.

A band should be more famous than an individual, because all else being equal, the band has more mothers and fathers to lend support.

Yesterday is as ancient as a millennia ago, because both are forever out of reach.

A politician’s word is like a thick tree branch, and the people are all hanging on it. Well, I’ve got noose for you, politicians won’t keep their word, but they will keep you hanging.

I possess an object that reminds me of your stepdad’s bowel movements. It’s brown and squishy and smells like yesterday.

I love letting her know how much she means to me. A love in secret is but a shadow that’s cold and lonely.

I stepped on a banana spider today. I didn’t crush it, but I did slip and fall. Then I got bit by one of the Three Stooges, possibly John McCain.

I want to have negative three kids. Or three negative kids.

Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet.

I’ll give you a treat to get in your cage. I’m rewarding you for punishing you. Who am I? If you guessed either dog catcher or politician you are correct.

I had an out-of-body experience so strange that it felt normal. You see, my soul, or essence, had left my body and went and inhabited the body of my clone. So I wasn’t in my...

Love is the gap between the blackness and the emptiness. Of course, there are also times when love isn’t so cheery and gets really dark and lonely.

If you strip away my flowery language, you’ll figure out I’m really talking about bees.

How to get money: earn it, steal it, borrow it, beg for it, or inherit it. So, who do I have to kill to get rich?

I had a dream about you. I was lonely and you were lonely, and you suggested that we could be lonely together. But I just scoffed because if we were lonely together, we wouldn’t be...

If I were to be elected World Leader someday, I’d wear an outfit made of Band-Aids, as a symbolic gesture of sticking together, healing, and the blood soon to be spilt.