In high school pottery class, I never made a whole vase. Instead I made fragments that I tried to sell as historical artifacts. The effort earned me an F in pottery, and an A in...

I’ll leave the door cracked, because cracked is better than broken.

We made love like a John and a hooker, despite the fact that my name’s Jarod. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.

Love isn’t easy. Making love is easy, especially when you’re hard, like I am now. There’s just something about retirement homes that I find erotic.

In this moment I’m reminded of Thor tutoring me math in the second grade. Thor was a math major in college, and in fact, Thor has an Erdős number of three. This means that Thor...

We made love like three seasons, but I didn’t fall.

I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.

A tennis racket is a trampoline for a tennis ball. My favorite score is love-all, because that’s the right thing to do as a Christian and an Overpopulationist.

A tie is a two-way loss, not a double win. Only a loser feels like a winner by being the equal of his opponent.

I make love efficiently. Why involve two people, when the same outcome can be done by one?

Life seems so am/pm. But really it’s not as balanced as all that.

A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.

I’m not sexually active. I just sort of lay there and slowly thrust.

Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap.

A brick could be used to dink like a dunk, if the thunk of the think has enough verticalocity to it.

I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.

Since the day I was born, I’ve spent my time being a human being, and I regard this as a good decision. But not a great one.

Bricks could be used to generate smiles among the general population. Just hand them out, along with handshakes, and say, This will make everything OK. And guess what? They’ll believe you.

I like how cats’ ears can flip inside out. It’s as if they’re saying, Keep talking, human, but I’m not even listening.

I don’t want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much.

A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all nonbelievers, because nobody believes in everything.

The list of who’s the best is only one person long. My penis is only one person long too, if that person is two-inches tall.

I am the bathtub of love, but all Agatha ever wanted was a shower.

A brick could be used to manipulate people into doing what you want. If anything could offer one man an unfair advantage over another, it’s a brick—especially if that brick is made of gold.

My hands will get dirty holding your rose-like heart, because love is like gardening—it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive.

I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue.

Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.

Your washing machine is my bathtub. Every time I see you my heart spins with desire. YA by nosit’ Moskvu shtany dlya vas, kak drozh’ babushki. (I’d wear Moscow as pants for you, like a...

In these modern times, the only sensible thing to be is nonsensical.

A blanket could be used to smother a fire—but not the fire that burns in my heart for you. Or perhaps that’s merely heartburn, and you’re just as common as a brick.

I’m just going to keep plugging away until I find success—or an electrical socket that works. This is the secret to gaining worldly power.

You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. I guess when I say people, I mean everyone but my...

A blanket can be rolled up, much like I roll up my emotions when I listen to political rhetoric.

There is one tree in Gainesville I call “Grandfather” because it looks like a giant Bonsai tree. Well, that and I actually thought it was my mother’s father for the longest time.

To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.

I pee whilst seated. But it’s hard to focus with people honking at me.

My uncle’s a big drinker. In fact, he just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey.

You’ve seen what they wanted you to see. They gave you a blindfold to wear and convinced you it would improve your eyesight.”

A blanket could be used to suffocate our secret desires. And what do I secretly desire? I desire suffocation, and that is why I must suffocate my desire.

My father inherited my old looks.

She likes her wine white, and that’s how I like my clam chowder. So chuggable!

A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick.

My grandmother got approved right before the law changed, so naturally she got grandfathered in. In related news, but completely unrelated, I was adopted.

I’d like to play a game of Marco Polo—in the 13th century.

A brick could be used to represent society as a whole. But to represent society as a half, I’d recommend using either a full carton of half and half, or a half-full carton of whole...

For such small heads, little kids seem to have the biggest brains. No disrespect to midgets.

I remember the first time I fogged up your astronaut’s helmet. That night we made space like outer love. But I kept it cool like Coors Light in the fridge, even though I felt heavy...

A brick could be used in conjunction with another brick to be the Democrat and Republican Presidential candidates. People will say, Vote for the brick on the left, or, The brick on the right is...

My soul left my body, and my body left my clothes and went streaking through the streets.