If you want to know my story, you have to go back to the beginning. Not the beginning-beginning, but about nine months later. You see, I was born as a poor farm boy. Believe it...

A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power.

It has been found that reading love quotes is beneficial to your health. It has been found by me, and I found it under my bed.

I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.

A brick could be used as a flying decision inducer. You could have said yes before I threw the brick, but I suppose you’ll be more agreeable when you wake up from your coma.

She’s young and beautiful, which is twice as good as old and ugly. Some people are both, and some people are both.

This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even...

A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record every single phone conversation, email, text message, Google search, and Skype video chat...

I am different, just like everyone else. And as such, I celebrate by being the same. The world won’t see a truly unique person until the first human clone arrives.

If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world.

A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some...

I ran a few miles, Davis, and they were musical. Then I made love like the sound of a trumpet, as heard by Helen Keller.

Dear Ford,I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door.It’s a passenger-side door, and...

A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.

If I could change any one thing about me, I’d change you.

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father’s face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn’t grow.

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!

They just don’t make them like they used to.” Well, except for kids. People still make children the way they always have, though I am working on a product that’ll make the process 100% more...

The best day of the week to fall in love is always today. Today will happen again tomorrow, so I’m comfortable sleeping alone for the next 24 hours straight.

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight.

I suspect I’ll be suspicious for my whole life that Saturday night is sleeping with Sunday morning.

A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can’t tell you. What part about secret don’t you understand?

There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex. -Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there as soon as I can.

but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor. No, I’ll stick to my red wine.

The cloud cover made for a terrible blanket.

Susan B. Anthony. Also, Susan be Anthony, now that she had a sex change.

A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.

A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead.

2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom.

Aside from murder alibis and kinky sex, what good are clones?

A brick could be used in speech therapy, to cure a stutter. I mean look at me, I don’t have a stutter. But to be fair, I never did have a stutter, so I can’t...

My hobby is boxing up all my stuff and then unpacking it and pretending I just moved and I’m getting a fresh start on life. And I make love like a professional boxer, only without...

It wouldn’t necessarily be tongue in cheek if a woman told me I kiss like a toothbrush. And I do. In fact, 9 out of 10 dentists recommend kissing me right before bed. Oh, and...

I gathered all my eggs in one basket, because I believe in collectivism, and I wanted a tyrannical omelet.

We made love like there was no tomorrow. Looking back, we should have made love like there was no yesterday.

Don’t just stand there with your Eiffel Tower smile. Tell me you love me, and tell me in French.

The storm is coming whether you’re aware of it or not, and whether you’re prepared for it or not. Thank God you have a man like me in your life, a man with a variety...

I always have safe sex. I lock the door.

I told him he needed a faucet and a basin, and I let this information sink in.

My son was 32 when he died. -Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?

A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.

I am becoming morbidly obese as we speak. So what’s the solution? To stop talking.

I rode my horse to the saloon, but it was out of business. The cowboy I spoke with said the bartender served the saloon’s last drink on March 5th, 1882. Guess I shouldn’t have taken...

A mafia don could snap his fingers and somebody would snap my neck. But when I snap my fingers, people start dancing. Or at least my clones would.

I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell.

The legend of Sam, the homosexual hermaphrodite. (The impossibility is half possible!)

We all know that products don’t drive sales—people do. We buy the person, not the service.

I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery store. You can eat the praise you didn’t earn, but did pay for.

I use two toothbrushes. One is for my anus, though I can never remember which one. Both toothbrushes belong to my mother-in-law, so I’m incentivized to be forgetful.