Stop a drunk driver and you stop a murderer—even if he hasn’t killed anyone yet. In all the alternate universes, the odds are he’s already killed—and will kill again.

Bricks could be used to promote social progress. If we could amass enough bricks to build a prison big enough to cage every citizen, then everybody would be equal. And I think our current political...

If I run for office, my political platform will be made of wood, and it’ll be made by the people.

A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him. That‘s why I bought you a black one.

A blanket could be used to make magical music. And no, I’m not talking about sex and wailing orgasms, you pervert. That’s my sister you’re thinking about. And it’s particularly disgusting and disturbing because I...

Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got it OK.

Wisdom is knowledge plus courage. You not only have to know what to do and when—but you have to be brave enough to actually act on it.

When Jed comes in and gives you that look where his forehead wrinkles up and his chin drops so low that his baggy eyes can’t even look you square in your eyes, well, I guess...

At the potluck, I brought two dishes: knowledge and mashed potatoes and gravy. Guess which one got cleaned out and which one hardly got touched.

I’d rather make love to a robot than a politician, because it’d be more personable. Anyway, talking vacuum cleaners with flesh and suits freak me out.

I wouldn’t feel great if you left me alone, but I wouldn’t feel bad either. I’d feel good, like I always do, which has nothing to do with you, even if you’ll have nothing to...

People are so particular. Unlike animals, which can be lions, eagles, or sharks, people are only people. (Though some people can easily be mistaken for animals—namely politicians.)

I didn’t make two mistakes all day yesterday. I just made one long one that lasted 24 hours.

If I painted a dog statue to look like a cat, the people would pet it. But why paint that when I could paint politicians as honest, for-the-people people?

What’s blacker than black? Does summer shade have a shadow? Is that how loneliness looks and where it lurks?

It’s not gay to jack off, so how could it be gay to give your clone a handjob? If anything, it’s on-the-job training for a political career.

There are an infinite number of reasons to say no. Instead, try to focus on one good reason to say yes.

She said she’s so happy she could fly. I said, I’m glad you find those mechanical bird wings I made out of political rhetoric uplifting.

I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.

I love public speakers who give moving speeches—particularly if they bring boxes, packing tape, and dollies. The last local politician I heard speak was so moving that I took up residence in a new county.

I make an H2O alternative with my armpits. I left you a ten-gallon sample in your car, as a going away gift.

I believe in love like a flower bud might believe in Buddha. But, then, I’m a romantic, and you know that because in the last presidential election I voted for Grilled Cheese Sandwich.

I think I’d make a great cop, because I love pastries, respect that shines like metal on my chest, and anonymous envelopes stuffed full of cash just for turning my head to the left when...

I stepped in dick. Well, just a puddle of penis. Then I wiped it off my feet and voted it into political office.

I got a small package in the mail today, and I thought it was the midget stripper I bought off eBay. But it was just a pair of shoes I ordered. Didn’t matter, I still...

America is a circus, and the politicians are the clowns.

I had a dream about you two. You both looked like John Travolta, but you danced like Scientology in a can.

I’m not a carrot cake kind of guy. But so what? Don’t push your political agenda on me, pal.

Ma’am, I can take either you or your purse, but I can’t take both. And honestly, I’d rather take your purse.

Because my family has no money, I’ve decided to become a prostitute. That’s right, I’m going into politics.

I can’t charge you 99 cents for a book called 99 Cents For Some Nonsense, because that would make sense. However, I have to charge you 99 cents, because it makes sense not to. So...

I dig art. With a shovel. In the cemetery.

I prefer statues silent, rather than of ears with tongues sticking out and licking out loudly.

More than half.” True, but would they also know Georgia is a state, a country, and a painter?

I played hard for four quarters, and I took home a dollar. And with college being about pay to play, I earned my spot on the bench.

Communism, like the mullet, will never go out of style.

Algebra is numbers forgetting why they’re letters.

If love were a collection of collections, would your relationship be banged-up baseball cards, or famous art? My love for you is famous art. You just have to wait for my death so my work...

My love letter had so much ink that it weighed as much as a bowling ball, but it was emotionally heavier. That’s probably why she bowled a 300 with it.

When searching for a missing person, I’ll canvas the area. Like a painter. I make love like Bob Ross, only your happy tree is happier, and I’ll keep your coffee warm—in my stomach.

A trophy isn’t about the hardware, the gold-painted statue mounted on marble, it’s about the recognition of excellence. A trophy is a physical representation of the abstract concepts of hard work and dedication. And that’s...

I had a dream about you. You were 1882, and I was 1982. You said you were older, and I replied that I was taller. Still, for being a midget, you were pretty good at...

I cried during Old Yeller. Not the part when the dog got shot, but in the beginning, just before the movie actually starts.

A starving man asleep dreams of food, and even a crumb becomes a feast. When you’re hungry for affection even a no is better than being ignored.

I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.

A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s not my role—that’s the brick’s place.

I had a dream about you. I was a melted ice-cream repairman, and you had a microwave for a head. You made fun of my trade, so I made you eat tinfoil until your head...

In high school I tried out for the spelling team, but only because I really wanted a letter jacket.

A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and the other is bad.

I had a dream about you. I think we made love, but I can’t be certain because the scenes were censored by the Moral Authorities. The thing that pisses me off is my grocery list...