Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing.

Don’t let your inability to see get in the way of your vision.

My internal voice raised its decibel level. Sam O. Same

This is a cat’s world, and man’s just allowed to share in it.

Aside from the fact that you’re not my son, and I’m not a woman, do you think I’m a good mother?

There are two apples, one is green and the other is red. Which apple would the wise man choose? The answer is: I’ll take the one you didn’t choose. You see, you are the fool...

I make love like you wouldn’t believe. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, so why don’t I show you?

Sorry, we don’t serve rigid nonthinkers here.” So the brick and the pastor look at the politician, who turns around and leaves.

I’m the only person I know who has slept through a fire drill. Apparently, I pulled the alarm. Yeah, I sleepwalk. Sometimes I sleep run. I was asleep when I ran the Boston Marathon. I...

I have a memory like a baseball glove, so please, don’t toss me a basketball-sized rumination.

Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person.

Growing up I was so poor I wore coffee cups as shoes. The good part was my feet never fell asleep.

If I owned a t-shirt shop, I would honor Eli Whitney by putting his face on a t-shirt made from 100% cotton. FREE admission if you’re topless.

A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you.

I don’t demand much. All I expect is for you to love me so much you kill yourself just to get my attention.

I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you.

She wasn’t much for words, but she told me she loved me in other ways, like showing me her main superpower—invisibility. I often wouldn’t see her for weeks straight, and for her to show me...

Arrogant and ignorant go together like peanut butter and jelly. Would you like a sandwich?

If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.

I got some body work done. Both to my car, and to my clone. Now my car looks like a complete stranger, and I look like a Mercedes.

Sadly, like any major city, there are pockets of poverty in Jacksonville. Four of those pockets can be found on the very pants I’m wearing.

I eat fog soup (out of a can). You don’t think I make it fresh, do you? You don’t need a spoon or straw to enjoy it—you need a pipe to inhale it.

Her legs are so long and sexy that I can see them 26.2 miles away. Gatorade.

I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.

You can have your cake, but you can’t eat it. You have to sit there and watch me scarf it down.

A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer.

I would have kissed her goodnight, but it was six in the morning.

There should be a soup spoon on the end of fire truck ladders, because fires do nothing if they don’t warm up leftovers.

It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.

When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle.

There’s a hair in my food! Well, I did order all the cuddles I can eat. A buffet of sleep is how I describe my love to strangers on trains.

I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.

Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.

Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.

I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria.

Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it takes two to make love on that bench.

I’m about to cross a time zone, and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, maybe I can catch up to the love of my youth.

When I can’t write I read. When I can’t read I sleep. And when I can’t sleep I write.

I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it?

Mark Twain’s Mustache—the World’s Greatest Facial Hair. Or Certainly Top Three, and No Lower Than Number Four.

The code of the coward is to run away. I know, because I wrote the manual.

Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon.

I saw something scary. It was a boy, asking me what I’m doing naked in his father’s fridge. Dinner party’s over.

If my clone writes my biography, is it really an autobiography?

She called it a slap, but I called it a high-five to my face. Love is so encouraging!

Instead of cream, I like fog in my coffee. Makes me feel like I’m drinking the mystery that is love.

The swimming pool was drained of water. That’s why I went fishing in it. Go ahead, ask me what I did in your empty coffee cup.

I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.

The light lulls you into a false sense of security. But if the dark should come suddenly and silently, you’d stand out like black on night.

I always order a small coffee in a medium cup—to leave room for cream, without subtracting from the full amount of coffee I paid for. I’m like that with love too, except I don’t need...