Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs.

I felt like eating steak, but instead I took my cow for a walk. I mean dog.

Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.

The cat hair floated in the air like a sound vibration, and I plucked it like a guitar string. Sometimes I can be so musical I’m like a living love song.

There should always be one more cat than person, so everyone has one to pet, and I have two to myself.

I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play the guitar.

Oh, how an animal that is hurt looks up at you, John! An animal’s actions can inform you if it is in pain. It don’t hop and jump around as usual. No. You find a sad, crouching, cringing, small bunch of fur or hair, whining, and plainly asking you to aid it. It isn’t hard...

Quick! Hide under my 3:33 am, but don’t pet my 3:33 pm.

You can be yourself without pursuing yourself. Have you ever seen a dog chase his own tail? He just runs in circles.

5 ways to cleanse your mind right away:•Switch off the junk box(Yes I mean Television).•Stop reading the leftover (Yes I mean Newspaper).•Stop cursing & blaming.•Walk in nature with a pet.•Come home (AND *MEDITATE*).~ UNIVERSE LOVES YOU & SO DO I ‪#‎StardustAK‬

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.

Your deceit smells like a fake mustache. Nobody stole my facial hair. I shaved this morning and donated half of it to the Humane Society. The other half I kept for sentimental petting reasons.

Lost Mustache. Please do not feed. If found, contact Mouth,” and I left my phone number. Nobody’s called. Perhaps the neighborhood cat lady took it in and is petting it on her lap at this very moment. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I pet plants. Especially if they’re fir trees.

I love when my cat crushes his forehead into mine like my skull is an empty beer can. But it’s not—there’s still a sip left.

I even pulled out the can of cat treats. Yes, I’d bought him treats. Give it another month and I’d be collecting his shed whiskers and claws like a proud momma preserving her baby’s first haircut and lost teeth.

So I’d been captured? So I was starving?Did that mean I had to shrivel up and die?I could still slither. I could still hiss. Nothing had been stolen from me except my freedom.What I needed was a new plan.

When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are pitiful, and no better than pets.

Somebody needs to pet me, and I guess that somebody is me. My cat is busy sleeping.

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

You know what I like most about people? Pets.

It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.

I pet horses and ride cats, because I’m a cowman. I’m too mature to be a cowboy.

The best cure for a stick up your butt is a dog to play fetch with.

Most people like winners, but I prefer underdogs. They’re more fun to pet.

I’ll see a cat and instinctively start petting the hair on my back.

I’m putting the finishing touches on a cat. I love petting.

When I walk my dog, people always ask if we’re twins.

My cat stood still like a furry statue. I wanted to go pet it, but I ended up petting a painting instead. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Her love stays with me wherever I go. That’s because I have it on a leash, like a dog, and I take it for walks like I do with my pet wheelchair.

I don’t own a cat. My cat owns a human.

My cat brought me a toy. I thanked her and threw it. She sat there gave me a look that made me realize people and dogs are the crazy ones.

Cats are the lap-dancers of the animal world. Soon as you stop shelling out, they move on, find another lap. They’re furry little sociopaths. Pretty and slick — in love with themselves. When’s the last time you saw a seeing-eye cat?

Civilization is only possible for deeply unpleasant animals. It is only an ape that can be truly civilized.

I just can’t think of anybody abusing an animal; nor of allowing it to stay around, sick, hurt or hungry. I think that an animal is but a point short of human; and, having a skin varying but slightly from our own, will know as much pain from a whipping as would a human child....

A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.

I talk to him when I’m lonesome like; and I’m sure he understands. When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands; then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat. For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like...

If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.

A pet rock is a serious commitment and too much responsibility for a ten year old to handle on his own

cat” in category. And not only do I put it there, but I pet it too.

A fish called Gilbert. But I just call him Gil to save some breath, so I can spend more time underwater petting him like I used to do to grandpa before he drowned.

Cats are puddles of cuteness. I stepped in one the other day that was so muddy I not only had to pet it, but cuddle with it for hours.

My love is a six-toed mutant, like a Hemingway cat. Pet it wisely.

We are the wire, and tomorrow is like yesterday with a furry back. Don’t pet me, Tuesday! Please don’t Wednesday with my emotions.

I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my gums.

I had a dream about you. You were so cute, and I was holding you for a long time. We went for a walk, happily strutting down the street. We saw a couple others but they weren’t having as much fun as we were. We arrived back home and I gave you a kiss on...