My lucky rabbit’s foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.

I fed her a placebo, a sugar pill, and then tried to sugarcoat the truth. The truth was I was lying when I said I loved her. Oh, I it was true I loved her,...

I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos and a polar bear sitting on it, and I felt inspired to write...

When I first heard Twilight was a book about vampires that sparkled in the light and shape shifters/wolves eager to assist the vampires, I thought, Finally, a metaphorical book dealing with politicians and lobbyists.

Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?

A skyscraper is to a brick as a pyramid is to____________A) a vagina, B) a particular vagina, or C) your mother’s vagina.

The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times he’s most valuable to our country.

I used to think how lucky she was to have me, but now I realize that’s backwards. A spirit of gratitude yields patience, love, and forgiveness.

A brick could be used as another brick, as they all look the same. So yes, I am for human cloning as a means to build the future.

The sky smashed into my face, but I didn’t say anything, because aside from a warm breeze, I didn’t feel anything.

The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you.

Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.

Better than learning how to speak a foreign language, is to start speaking the truth. But few people will listen, because they just don’t understand.

She’s beautiful, but she’s also got brains. I’ll bet zombies would love to eat out of her skull like a bowl of Jell-O that had an IQ of 180—which is absurd, because the last bowl...

You make me so happy I could frown. Let us dance like two rocking chairs at a KISS concert, and let us kiss like two people named Sam Asmas who’ve just discovered the meaning of...

Be true to who you are as a person. Or, if you’re a politician, be true to who you are as an animal. Actually, to be true as a politician you have to be false.

Never chew off the hand you write with, you might survive and have to sign autographs.

Would you mind terribly if instead of serving desert, I masturbated quietly at the dinner table? I’m training for Congress.

Of all the pessimistic people, I am the most optimistic. I look forward to looking down on all the people looking up to me for answers from below.

I’d rather jump in a tank with a tiger shark than make love to his right hand. I don’t care if he is going around gathering political votes.

A sand trap is like a politician in its duality. It represents two opposing viewpoints. You see, it was designed to trap your ball. So it exists to have balls land in it. But it...

In my hands I hold the tools necessary for our government to fix our economic situation. My hands are empty, because a hands-off approach is the best approach.

But I still have no cash flow. I need a job, or the gift of prophecy and a plane ticket to Las Vegas.

I had a dream about you. I was at your family reunion, and your grandma was chugging the hunch punch with all the confidence of a mature woman in diapers. I was on Wheelchair Patrol,...

I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it’s better to sneak out.

I hate office politics. Still, I’m running for office mayor.

Here you’ll find everything you don’t need—and much less!

Is a wind farm a field full of talking politicians? If so, I wonder what they grow? Probably the national debt.

Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I don’t put them in shoes—I store them in glass jars in my basement.

Just because I have two ears doesn’t mean I can listen to two people at once. Or one politician promising two opposable things.

The Bronze Age was such a third-place era.

The congregation at my church felt that our pastor was spending our tithing poorly. So I took it upon myself to divert the collection money to an offshore bank account of mine, while I sipped...

If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.

An ice sculpture in the Sahara makes about as much sense as donkey left open gaping wagon, Sergeant (add cream cheese sparingly).

I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant, but chicks dig it.

It’s a landscape painting of Key West, from the perspective of an optimistic blind man.

Ulysses,” by Joyce, because like my undergraduate college degree, that’s nine and a half years of my life I’ll never get back. If the book had been about 75 pages shorter, I might have finished...

I was only 20% right, while she was 80% right. Still, I was right that she was wrong—20% wrong.

II’m proud to say that over the past few years there’s been considerable disinterest in my work. But things should pick up once my forklift arrives.

I make art like I make love—slowly, so I get the most for my money.

I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.

I shaved my pubic hair, glued it on a wig, and declared it art. No museum was willing to exhibit it. I should have sprinkled cheddar cheese on top and called it An Ode To...

A tie is a win for more than one person. But a tie is also a loss equally shared by two or more people.

I had a dream where I lost Cap’n among the hundreds of black and white cats and they all looked nearly identical to him. It was such a sad dream that it made me drool...

I won a gold medal that day. I was a winner. Of course, since I was the only one competing, I was also a loser. It feels terrible coming in last place.

I had a dream about you. I was a painter, and you were a nude banana. You wanted me to paint you in a still life, and I asked you to put some peels on....

When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.

A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a few more times and then sell tickets to the spectacle.

I had a dream about you. Too many people died that day for us to talk about love. But through the stench of rotting corpses, all I could think about was how beautiful you were...

I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up and excited.