After learning the foreign language Gibberish, I became a dream spokesman.

More than half.” True, but would they also know Georgia is a state, a country, and a painter?

I played hard for four quarters, and I took home a dollar. And with college being about pay to play, I earned my spot on the bench.

Believe in yourself,” with an accompanying image of a wilting flower.

Communism, like the mullet, will never go out of style.

Gain a person’s trust through numerous small acts of benevolence, so you can lose their trust in one large act of self-enrichment.

Algebra is numbers forgetting why they’re letters.

Come buy from me what you could rent elsewhere. Like a Like button or a wiggly wrench—or donuts that yesterday would have been free at the store next to mine.

My love letter had so much ink that it weighed as much as a bowling ball, but it was emotionally heavier. That’s probably why she bowled a 300 with it.

To me, life is sad, like a piano with no pedals being played by a person with no fingers.

A trophy isn’t about the hardware, the gold-painted statue mounted on marble, it’s about the recognition of excellence. A trophy is a physical representation of the abstract concepts of hard work and dedication. And that’s...

Mr. Armstrong has strong arms. Probably from bicycling so much. And steroids.

I cried during Old Yeller. Not the part when the dog got shot, but in the beginning, just before the movie actually starts.

I don’t eat Sloppy Joes. I eat Tidy Josephs.

I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.

A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s not my role—that’s the brick’s place.

How do two retards eat a turd sandwich? Well, not by first wiping their ass with wheat bread like I showed them.

In high school I tried out for the spelling team, but only because I really wanted a letter jacket.

A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and the other is bad.

Tell me you love me like you mean it, and tell me while your mouth is full of food.

If you want to know my story, you have to go back to the beginning. Not the beginning-beginning, but about nine months later. You see, I was born as a poor farm boy. Believe it...

A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power.

The only way to eat Cheerios is without cheer. Could a product name be more of an oxymoron?

I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.

A brick could be used as a flying decision inducer. You could have said yes before I threw the brick, but I suppose you’ll be more agreeable when you wake up from your coma.

I walk like a guitar being strummed, and I love like cheese being forced through a grater. I like my nachos covered in melted music.

This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even...

A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record every single phone conversation, email, text message, Google search, and Skype video chat...

I held her gaze as I held her in my arms. With all that holding I couldn’t hold on to the moment, and it slipped past me into the lonely past.

If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world.

A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some...

No, it’s all Greek to me.

Dear Ford,I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door.It’s a passenger-side door, and...

A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.

I am the mermaid of desire. Half man, half aquatic creature, I fish for my other half.

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father’s face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn’t grow.

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!

According to me I have hypochondria. So if I say I suffer from a condition where a person thinks they suffer from everything, it’s a giant loop! Nobody can say I don’t suffer from it...

The best day of the week to fall in love is always today. Today will happen again tomorrow, so I’m comfortable sleeping alone for the next 24 hours straight.

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

You wash the horse, and I’ll wash the horse trainer. Then we’ll wash the dishes while we gallop into the sunset like two dirty lovers.

I suspect I’ll be suspicious for my whole life that Saturday night is sleeping with Sunday morning.

A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can’t tell you. What part about secret don’t you understand?

I’m an understanding guy, even when I’m standing over you.

but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor. No, I’ll stick to my red wine.

The cloud cover made for a terrible blanket.

A book called Life of Silence would get everyone talking. I should write it, using invisible ink. Or to really make it see-through, I should hire a ghostwriter.

A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.

A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead.

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.