Microwavable ice cream is the future. Don’t wait for love to melt all over your crotch. Scoop some Ice Cream Soup today.

I’ll carry Carrie like my hands are as empty as my heart. I never hold my own love.

The beauty of the ocean, it takes your breath away. Especially if you’re underwater. She also took my breath away. She suffocated me with her love.

Bricks could have been used to stop Napoleon’s army from advancing into Russia. And blankets could have been used to keep Napoleon rolling in victories.

My love is a good neighbor—there is a fence around my heart. I’m not cold-hearted, despite having a touch of Frost in there.

The internet’s a great way to meet people. You never really know someone until you see their fake profile.

A brick could be used as a color in a new line of lipstick, designed to woo the mason of every woman’s dreams.

I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents at all, they’d simply be a married couple. (Or maybe without me they...

Mow the carpet, vacuum the lawn, and make love like war.

Two things in life are certain: uncertainty, and I’m not sure about the second thing.

When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7 girls, and one hermaphrodite named Sam.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s the best place to hang a noose. More politicians need to be sticking their necks out for us.

Not only did I lie about lying, but I lied about lying about lying. And you’d better believe that’s the truth.

I put the hell in hello—especially when waving at my mother-in-law. If looks could kill, she’d wish she were Helen Keller.

I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.

A half-truth is 90% of the story. The other 10% is tithed to God.

My son’s name will be Sonya, like his mother, whose name will be Dadya.

I’d Poe’s nude for the approval of a dead poet. No names come to mind, but I’m sure there must be one I’d get naked for.

Nobody’s going to notice what’s not there, unless something was there and now is not. But if it wasn’t there all along, it’s mine for the taking, and nobody’s going to say nothing. It’s not...

My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.

If your favorite politician got ran over by a bus, I’d express my condolences by telling you I know how you feel. Why just the other day I ran over a rat, and I felt...

My philosophy on life: On a burrito, the cheese goes underneath the sour cream. Otherwise, how will it melt?

Numbers have power. But not enough to supply all the energy for all your daily electrical needs. There’s just not enough strength in numbers for all that.

In politics, I don’t know which came first, the rubber chicken policies, or the eggheadedness.

I find wisdom in the waves. Goodbye is a hello to a life without you.

I’m rich in poverty. I got no money coming out of my ass. I’m up to my neck in broke.

Love is a cloudless sky, and I’m having the longest drought of my life.

I had a dream about you. You smiled at me, and I blushed like a red rose. Then you started sniffing my cheeks and I realized you were a bee and I’d been deceived.

Love is the thing that holds life together. Sort of like rind to a melon, cloth to a stuffed animal, or money to the time spent with a stripper.

It’s still masturbation if your clone gives you a hand job. It’s also a lot like being a member of Congress.

Entrepreneurs adopt the ways of the adept and adapt to a changing environment. Actually, entrepreneurs are more enterpreneurs, because they are forever entering into new territory.

I made 100 dollars, or a Ben Franklin, today. And out of that I probably spent his face, or about five bucks, but I squandered it dishonorably. I should have saved face and saved face,...

My love is three times as deep as you voted for. You thought it was two feet deep, but it’s six feet deep, like a grave.

Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me’s & bananas individually or by the pocketful.

Don’t marry a man because he has a billion dollars. Divorce him for it.

I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of reasoning that leads me to think I might make a great politician. Vote...

I’m a disciplined author. My diligent daily writing technique is called sleeping.

I can Control F to find words and phrases lost in a sea of literature, but why can’t I Control F to find one object among a hoarder’s clutter?

I put all my eggs in one basket, and then I jizzed all over them. I’m a natural politician.

Coffee has a way of falling into my cup the way love does not. I’m so tired of being a lone sip when I should be a chug.

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

What is your SPM (sperm per meal) content? A politician’s is very high.

I’ll carry Carrie, yet keep my hands empty. I’ll hold her in my thoughts.

Advice about love: When the green grape turns red, it’s time to separate the socks from the mittens.

I ordered an extra large handshake to go, but I had no idea it would be so greasy—or that it would leave a stain on my crotch. Ugh, politics!

If I were king, I wouldn’t pay you the money I owe you. I’d give you a far more valuable gift: the gift of life—your own. Yes, you’d get to keep it!

I’d rather have a horse in a glass, because I’ll be just down the hall if you need me. My affection is fluid, so why won’t you let me love you?

I had a dream about you. You were washing your car, and I was washing my horse. You thought I belonged in the 19th century, and I thought you belonged in a zoo. I wasn’t...

In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers that could flick long-range boogers.

I took some of the price off, and she took some of her clothes off. She made love and I made money.