What is the greatest mystery of the universe? The answer is brick. Or is it blanket? I forget which one.

The silence sounded like a fire alarm in my ears.

Is it any wonder that war is senseless? It’s started by politicians. As a class, politicians have no class, and even less sense.

I got a zero. That’s like a perfect ten—it’s only one away from being flawless. Remember this next time you think you have nothing.

I called her twice, but she didn’t call me back. She’s more efficient than me, as she’s able to communicate without communicating. It’s sad, because I had two cups of coffee, and I was going...

It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.

Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed.

When I get angry I tend to raise my voice—with a forklift. Hang on to my handlebar mustache if you want me to peddle faster.

I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for that particular politician.

I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them.

If laughter came in paste format you could squeeze out of a tube, I’ll bet nine out of ten dentists would recommend comedy before bed. The tenth doctor, having just read Tolstoy as deliberately mistranslated...

I only love her. I lonely love her.

I’ll write something that’s 111% true. It’ll be so true that it’ll be 100% false.

When I think of you, I immediately think of someone else. That’s what I call love, and that’s why I never call you.

Instead of putting a Band Aid on your cut finger, why not just amputate at the elbow? See, I’m a problem solver. I should go into politics.

If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why spend 2/7th of your life wasting your free time? After all, free time...

A brick could be used as a paperweight, if the words you wrote weren’t weighty enough to hold it down.

Let’s all roll up our sleeves and get back to work. Or let’s create jobs where other people roll up other people’s sleeves, so these other people can get to work helping other people get...

I may be alive now, but in a series of moments I won’t be. And let it be said about me: He didn’t waste his time talking to conch shells, but he did listen to...

A brick could be used to sell new shoes to a man with no hands. I would say a brick could be used to sell a handless man new gloves, but that’s a bit of...

What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.

If you listen to the rain long enough, you’ll eventually soak up the wisdom.

It’s a fact I want to own a factory that makes up facts and figures, and I figure to make a fortune selling to politicians.

To know is good, but to know how to use that knowledge is better. And to acknowledge the wisdom in this is the best.

Guns don’t kill people. Politicians with sharp tongues do.

Tempers are temporary, but hateful and hurtful words can be remembered forever. Leave a legacy of love and say only kind things.

Most men want sex, without the kids or commitment. I want sex, but I don’t want to have to pay any money. But is that possible? I should invent a vending machine that dispenses sex....

I’ll watch the Final Four when there are three teams playing at once for two titles and one large bag of regrets. That bag is mostly full of air, like a bag of potato chips,...

The Nike Swoosh looks like a crowbar used to pry apart tight wallets. In other words, it looks like a politician’s smile.

The couch was wide enough for two, but I sat in it alone. Was I obese in body—or skinny in love?

I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s crazy, then you haven’t seen a Florida gubernatorial debate.

A half a hole is the same as a whole hole, no matter how much love you intend to bury. Love is a treasure, and to keep it safe you need to do as the...

Joe is 3/4ths of a joke. 75% of politicians are jokes too, only the punchlines are the voters, and that kind of humor I just don’t find funny.

I got excited when I saw a midget, and then disappointed when I realized it was just a child. Those things are so common.

Her name is Shelen, and I think she probably has a brother named Helen. He is Helen, a male with a female’s name, but life could be worse. He could be a liar, a thief,...

I want to give the gift of life—to myself, in the form of my clone. So I’ll be giving myself myself, and I’ll be grateful—and so will I.

The love between a man and an animal is a sacred thing. Well, at least it was, until the politicians started answering to the lobbyists and not the people.

What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment.

I’m not the pervert you think I am. No, I’m an entirely different pervert. Keep cardboard tubes away from me. (I should be a politician.)

A ball is a great place to dance, or a great thing to dribble. A ball is also a great thing to scratch when it’s itchy and sweaty.

I had a dream about you. Before I shaved my beard, I looked like a cat. My facial hair accurately represented my political beliefs, and if you don’t agree, well you can just lick my...

I have the dance moves of a mustache, and a singing voice that sounds like a beard on the inside of my cheeks. Carry my love like karaoke in your pocket.

I have an erection like a congressman—it just won’t quit.

I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.

Jacksonville has pedophiles, bestiality enthusiasts, and mannequin fuckers. We also have other kinds of politicians too.

I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a handshake, I drop down like I’m doing pushups, and extend my right hand....

I watched a bowl of fruit on the table remain motionless. Just another example of life imitating art.

I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from the bicycle that is love.

If I could go back in time, I’d love to whisper sweet nothings in Van Gogh’s ear, but not while it was attached to his head.

The four years I spent in college were the best five years of my life.