I think coffee is the best drink known to man. I also think that wine is the best drink known to woman.

I had a dream about you. You fell into my arms like a 120-pound sack of gold coins. So I did what any respectable lover would do—I buried you in the backyard so nobody could...

How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?

Which half do you want me to cut in half, Mr. Halfofhalf? The name’s Onequarter. Johnny Onequarter. And don’t you forget it.

If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I do now. Just flip me over and read all about me if you’re curious. Everything you need...

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.

I told her she should come back to my place because it’d just won sixth place in the Living Room Olympics, and sixth place is like double bronze.

Through a history book, I can time travel. Especially a history book from the future.

People think I’m all gloom and doom all the time. I’m not. I also have bad days where I’m pessimistic.

The schizophrenic in the sleeping bag with a live chicken and a can of tomato soup spilling onto the sidewalk had no right to steal my street performance.

Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases me, but as a Libertarian it pisses me off.

Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sink. Remember that next time someone locks themself in your bathroom for the duration of the football game.

My friend fell in a pool, so I brought him to the hospital in a bucket. Half of him splashed out when I peed in it. I tried to save him, but I’m no Ryan...

While I was there, the song reminded me of here. But now that I’m here, the song reminds me of there. But that’s neither here nor there.

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

If you just found out you had six months left to live, the first thing I’d do is apologize for not delivering the letter 182 days ago, when your doctor first handed it to me...

Cher and share alike. At least in sound. Most of the decisions I make are sound, exactly like Beethoven when he wrote and discarded his 10th symphony.

I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.

Rich mahogany wood was used to construct the bookshelves, and the floor is also hardwood of the same deep tone. Copper trim was used to accent the wood, and the only place to sit is...

One word I’d use to describe space is lonely. The only way I’ll board a space shuttle is if I had a babysitter with me. You know, to watch the baby I’ll make with her.

Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have just had an epiphany, and then forget all about it because I’ll get...

I watched the sunset from the comfort of my bathtub, which has a clear bottom so I had an unobstructed view.

I had a dream I took the form of Chuck Norris and kicked your ass. Then I impregnated you from across the room.

My baseball team is called the I Ams. Just me and my clones on the roster. We’re devastating. Well, at least I am.

Her last name was Purchase, and I was sold. I tried to buy, but as there was only one of her, she was OUT OF STOCK. Better luck tomorrow.

I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.

Love me for me, not for how much I resemble my clones, or how handsome they are, or how brilliant they are, or how much you want to have sex with all of them, at...

A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I’ll have a...

I single-handedly lost the clapping competition. After that nobody wanted to co-clap with me, so I got zero high-fives.

I don’t have a tan because I only come out at night. The only sun I get is reflected off the moon. I make love like a vampire, only entirely different and without completely filling...

Blue love on a blue moon on Mr. Green’s greenback printing machine (the one that sounds like Weimar Germany in 1923)”, then I have given you an example of a non sequitur. But since you...

Last night I didn’t sleep for a solid eight hours. No, it melted a little. Damn global warming.

If Twinkies grew on trees, as nature intended, then I would like to irrigate your fertile valley. When we make love, bring your own knitting equipment.

A brick could be fired out of a cannon, in an attempt to bring down a brick wall, just as index fingers could be severed and flicked at politicians, to try to correctly redirect blame.

Pterodactyl has a silent P. I talk entire conversations using only silent letters. They’re also invisible. My I love yous are camouflaged amidst my absence.

I smell like cat snuggles and sex, though from two different activities. I have just perfected my meatloaf-flavored ice cream, if you want to grab a spork.

I replaced my wife with an empty chair, so I wouldn’t be poisoned at dinner. And I’m still alive, so I’d say it was a genius tactical strategy.

Everywhere I go, I bring Bring, and a feeling of redundancy. I love you because I love you—and because I love you. What more do you want?

We’re all lonely and looking for love, even if you’re fat, stinky, and asexual. You should wear a suit of armor when you have sex.

The wind helps me unwind. I make love like Don Quixote windmilled into history.

Personal branding is important to me as a person. It’s also important to me as a non-person. I am a rock.

I couldn’t be a doctor. I have no patience for patients, like I do silly puns. But I could be a barista, because I love coffee like I love sex—and that’s why I pay for...

I’m a feminist. That’s why I own a dishwasher.

I’m a romantic. I enjoy candle-lit breakfasts, and long walks in wheelchairs.

A shower curtain would make a great dress. If I make it for you, will you make love to me? Before you answer, you should know that I’m a bring my own bathtub kind of...

Somebody get me a bottle of booze—and a reason to quit drinking. I fell in love twice today, and I only encountered one other person.

I picked up the knife to cut the melon, and then smashed it with my fist instead.

I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.

Question for your life: If love covered as much of the earth’s surface as the oceans, would you still urinate in your wetsuit?

I had a dream about you. We were out to dinner at some place fancy, like the Library of Congress. I ate a thick, rare James Joyce novel, and you ate a pig that looked...