If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick to work.

I collect collectivisms. I’ve already got socialism and communism, and all I need is fascism to complete the set. I’m looking to trade my dusty democracy, but Uncle Sam isn’t interested in a deal at...

Other candidates may say they have 10 years of real-world experience, but I say, What, did they work nonstop with no sleep for a decade? If that’s the case, then I am an expert sleeper...

People say I can handle pressure, but there is one sporting competition where if I were in the finals, I’d surely choke, and that’s the hotdog eating competition.

If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.

Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?

I want to be an actor. I’ve already started taking steps. Yesterday I applied to be a waiter.

Tall venti in a grande cup.” That’s basically me asking for a small large in a medium cup.

Duck!” Not a Feathery Quack Maker, but Get down!

The only woman I’d want to go on a blind date with is Helen Keller. Maybe we could meet for coffee and I could listen while she doesn’t all the talking.

The other day I tried to design a finish line, but I didn’t know where to start. So I just sat there and drank Gatorade. Ah, but that’s life, no?

A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick.

My name is my reputation. And all I have in this world is my name. Well, and my penis, which shoots out millions of other names.

Pet my 3:33 pm like it’s a beard. Live it, but don’t lick it.

There’s a traffic jam in the stream. I’d better go fish up a solution. Too bad I left my tackle box at the football stadium, along with all the other worms.

I called Phil up, but I didn’t call Phillip. He hung up on me, and I’m still hung up about that. To make things right I might just call Phillip and hang up.

When I was in the second grade, I used to think love was the feeling a man gets while riding a motorcycle and having a woman embrace him tightly from behind. Maybe I’m cynical now,...

In a toast, I’ll raise my glass like I’d raise a child—through orphanages.

Back when I was growing up we didn’t have teleportation devices. We actually had to walk to school. In the snow. And shoes hadn’t even been invented yet.

Your dog looks dirty. You could give it a bath, or I could piss on it for free. Or you could pay me to piss on it, that’d work too.

Driving is better than walking, because hitting is better than being hit.

I feel like dancing. If I bring an extra wheelchair for you, would you like to join me?

If you need me I’ll be sitting over there, on the ground, next to the empty chair. The emptiness always reminds me of your love.

I sprained my knee. I was Elbowing at the time. Elbowing is a new dance I invented for those random moments of romance that break out at funerals.

To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in a film studio.

My pants pant like a dog, and they drool at the zippered mouth. When I go for a walk, they go for a walk. Now, if only they could play fetch.

I ate Satan, and then shit out a snake.

PDF—is it a document type, or Public Display of ‘Fection? I’ll let you know after I print it out and cuddle with it.

I can run 50 yards faster than I can mow them.

You can’t drown out somebody just by raising the level.” But it was useless. I felt like Noah preaching to a pack of Helen Kellers.

My love was green—new and alive. Her love was red—full stop. Occasionally and cautiously we’d meet in the middle at yellow.

For dessert I ate a desert. It was sandy, and so was the name of the woman I ate dinner with. She had a dry sense of humor, and that is why I wore a...

I’m the same as everyone in that I’m different from everyone. We are all unique, and therefore we are all the same.

I am not who I pretend to be, even when I act like myself.

I remember the day coach decided to bench me. We were walking in a botanical garden.

I make love in half. But that’s because I’m much too romantic to refer to it as masturbation.

I caught a fish with a deep voice. It was a bass.

Be that as it may, it may be maybe, or it may be May, Bee.

I dropped out of school in the fourth grade to work in a shoe factory before I took up farming. I grew salmon—on trees.

The fastest way for me to achieve self-improvement is with The Opponent Apparatus (my clone).

A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).

I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.

He wore red, white, and blue, but he didn’t look patriotic—he looked like a sloppily wrapped birthday present. But it’s not his fault. I tried to wrap him as tight as I could without restricting...

I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness.

If I took a candy bar, ripped off the wrapper, ate the candy bar, and pinned the wrapper to the wall, is that art, performance art, both, or neither?

But I’m not talking about now. Last Tuesday I could have killed you. Had you in the scope of my rifle, but I let you live. Now THAT was stupid.

Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect with lots of elbow room and melted cheese on top.

Love is on the move like a picture of a statue. I should know, because I painfully painted it.

I want to merge running a marathon and doing a handstand into one action. It will look similar to how I’d make love to a mannequin.

Four walls don’t make a home. Neither does having a roof over your mouth.