Trying to remember a dream from a decade ago is like trying to catch fog in a coffee filter. I could subsist on morning mist.

You can’t be extinct if people aren’t even aware you ever existed. I should know, because I don’t know.

My boxers have salad dressing stains on them, and my dishwasher is broken. I’ll make dinner for you, if you clean up afterwards.

Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.

I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same.

I’ll eat this world like coffee-flavored bubblegum. I’ll chew thoroughly before I swallow.

It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up and toss them overboard in the Atlantic Ocean.

If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.

If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.

I treat strangers like friends, friends like family, and family like strangers. And I make love like a cup of coffee that likes a cup of tea.

Mosquito snobs sit on STOP signs trying to get out all the red.

My hotel room has a great view. The view is right in front of the TV.

My subconscious is like the ocean, only deeper and less polluted.

A brick could be used as a middle name. But who’d be dumb enough to do that, when it would clearly make a better first name?

I am the melted cheese of desire. Please, feel free to double dip.

Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand).

I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel...

In the immortal words of myself, “If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.” Likewise, if cyborgs one day come to be viewed as so human-like that they...

Accepting your help, I’m not doing it for me—I’m doing it for you. You need to help me more than I need your help, so I’ll help both of us win and take, take, take.

Error is to err, as blanket is to blank.

If looks could kill” too literally. The French have a word for sexy murderesses. Well, they probably have such a word, but since I don’t speak French, I can’t tell you what it is.

What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.

A brick could be used as a comb, if you’re bald and have no hair.

Love is the darkness that shines in our hearts. I bought you a flashlight. It’s broken, so you know I care.

Kids should be cute, caring, cuddly, and above all, quiet.

A brick could be used as a bottle opener. Just don’t smash down too hard, or you’ll shatter the bottle.

You may not have said anything, but you’re right—silence is the best response.

A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans insane? If they’re not disgusted, they should eat a bowl of vomit soup....

A brick is a banana. No it isn’t. Still, I think you should eat it anyway.

My arms and legs fell asleep. Silence of the Limbs.

I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.

I find honesty to be a rare thing—in politics.

What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser.

Anger is danger. Or at least 5/6th of it. That leaves 1/6th, if you want The D.

To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly the people I don’t like are lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians.

If you share your soup, I’ll share my wisdom. I brought a spoon, but did you bring a pen? How are you going to take notes, you fool!

I’m not in manufacturing, but I make something. I make a difference. But to be honest, I think China can make it cheaper.

I want to write a book called Kissing Kissinger. It won’t be about kissing, Kissinger, or even politics. It’ll be about radiator fluid, and all the health benefits you can enjoy from chugging it.

If anger were money, only a fool would greedily save it up. And a wise man would let it slip out of his heart like change slips out of his pants pockets.

Take my advice and don’t take my advice.

This presidential election will be as electric as an eel—and just as snakelike.

She doesn’t want me to leave, and she doesn’t want me to stay. That’s a double helping of Doesn’t Want Me, and one big I’m Not Hungry back at her.

Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t even remember what you can’t remember, and I’m here with a blanket to help. So scoot over and let me lay in your bed with you.

I like glad-handing, because I hate handshakes that are sad. That’s why I’d make a great politician—because I wouldn’t shake hands with a lobbyist.

I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t want it just tell me and I’ll be happy to keep it. After...

A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it work.

My brakes sound like my horn, and my car’s bumper is bumpy enough to be brail. My ideal reader would be a speed-reading blind politician I didn’t vote for.

The men responsible for this depression are irresponsible, and therefore only irresponsible people are responsible enough to get us out and reverse course.

I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You can burn my house, but don’t you dare burn my coffee.

A man with nobody to love is like a stamped envelope with no address.