I love body language, because I can speak it without talking, without listening, and while my back is turned.

I’m not saying I’m not saying. I’m also not saying I’m in love, and I’m not not saying I’m in love.

I don’t eat sweets because I’m trying to keep my boyish figure. That’s the way my priest likes it.

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.

Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an example of the word.

I got hit on at the bar last night, and this morning I have a black eye. Sometimes you can be so sexy that you offend, I guess.

Love is like whoa! Actually, it’s closer to woe.

If my clone were standing next to me, I’d be beside myself with joy. I’d also be literally beside myself. In that case, I’ll bet you’d love me twice as much, huh?

A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment.

The only thing tinfoil should cover is a Kiss. But you wouldn’t know anything about kissing.

I had a dream about you. We were business partners. We had a pizza parlor/urinal repair shop, and to our great surprise we had no customers. Some businesses fail because they’re simply ahead of their...

I like to schedule dentist appointments for March 32, otherwise known as April Fool’s Day.

My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you’ve got the garden, I’ve got my whole life.

The best way to guarantee you have a job tomorrow is to not finish all the work your boss asked of you today. Wait, that’s not right. Sorry, I’m thinking like a government employee again.

I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.

I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?

You make me sick. I think I’ll have to call out of work on your account. Or have that account closed.

My advice is to write in the nude. Unless you do your writing in a public restroom, and in that case, I’d recommend wearing flip flops.

I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?

Though my skull is the size of a soup bowl, everything in the universe—and more—can fit inside my imagination. And guess what? My imagination tastes like chicken noodle soup.

Sometimes I write about the forest, sometimes I write about the trees, and occasionally I’ll write about the lumberjack. Actually, the lumberjack is more the editing part, figuring what needs to be cut.

Hide things everywhere. Forget about them. Find them randomly and feel surprised like a pirate finding buried treasure. Avoid scurvy. Love more.

A half a hole is still a whole hole. Let that be a lesson in love.

I decided to write this piece because my internal critic told me to write it. At least I think he told me to write it. You see, he only speaks French, and I don’t speak...

String several words together in a sentence and you have a language necklace. My I love you would look great with your favorite red dress.

I am the qorj of love. If you find that hard to believe, then I’d like to sell you a Bible.

He thinks he’s a writer. He couldn’t write the alphabet, even if you spotted him the first 25 letters.

Love speaks to the heart like a mime to a mute.

I would take a trip down Memory Lane, but with gas prices sky high, forget about it.

I went on vacation and it rained like coffee drip brewing. It must have rained several inches, and all in a concentrated area about the size of a coffee pot.

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

I’ll sell you one shoe for half off, since it’s half the set. But if you want the second shoe, it’ll cost you twice as much.

A pen is like a switchblade you can actually write with—and pull off a successful mugging with.

There should always be one more cat than person, so everyone has one to pet, and I have two to myself.

What’s the halfway point on a burrito called? Sadness.

A picture with one word on it is like a thousand-and-one-word piece of literature. At this rate, I should be done with my million-word novel in about 999 minutes.

If I could sleep with any literary character, I’d love to sleep with The Cat in the Hat. But don’t tell Cap’n, because he might get jealous and meow at me.

I have a mansion of an imagination, and I cordially invite you to come sleep in my shed.

I never knew what love was until after I got divorced. But I’ve always been a bit dyslexic.

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.

There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.

For every uneaten sandwich there’s an unopened sandwich bag full of baby’s tears. I’d give you a straw, but around here, those anal devices are rare. Also, I think I’m in love. Either that or...

I’ve gone astray. It’s better to cook with a stray than eat your own cat.

If zombies eat brains, then they’d love me, because who doesn’t like a buffet?

Boxing gloves/oven mitts could be used to fight fires. My uppercut can knock you out cold, like melting ice. Sip it slowly.

Some dogs look like giant mustaches. I shaved mine off because it was barking too much. My love life has improved by leaps and meows.

I think the most heavenly food is fluffy white clouds.

I drink special water, because not all water is equal. Some water is smarter and taller and more handsome than other water.

I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket.

An inch of enchilada, as good as it is, is not even worth a centimeter of love. My feelings for you are hot, so you may need some sour cream.