What’s the halfway point on a burrito called? Sadness.

A picture with one word on it is like a thousand-and-one-word piece of literature. At this rate, I should be done with my million-word novel in about 999 minutes.

If I could sleep with any literary character, I’d love to sleep with The Cat in the Hat. But don’t tell Cap’n, because he might get jealous and meow at me.

I have a mansion of an imagination, and I cordially invite you to come sleep in my shed.

I never knew what love was until after I got divorced. But I’ve always been a bit dyslexic.

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.

There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.

For every uneaten sandwich there’s an unopened sandwich bag full of baby’s tears. I’d give you a straw, but around here, those anal devices are rare. Also, I think I’m in love. Either that or...

I’ve gone astray. It’s better to cook with a stray than eat your own cat.

If zombies eat brains, then they’d love me, because who doesn’t like a buffet?

Boxing gloves/oven mitts could be used to fight fires. My uppercut can knock you out cold, like melting ice. Sip it slowly.

Some dogs look like giant mustaches. I shaved mine off because it was barking too much. My love life has improved by leaps and meows.

I think the most heavenly food is fluffy white clouds.

I drink special water, because not all water is equal. Some water is smarter and taller and more handsome than other water.

I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket.

An inch of enchilada, as good as it is, is not even worth a centimeter of love. My feelings for you are hot, so you may need some sour cream.

I have developed a flavorless soup that’s indistinguishable from hot water. It’s the first soup to taste great frozen. Would you like some to go, in a thermos?

I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn’t cheer so loud when I’m trying to sleep.

Nobody peels a banana before stabbing themselves with it. But that’s exactly how I love—dangerously.

I own nothing, but at least nothing owns me. Well, besides the bank.

I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?

Maybe one day I could fly all over the world and meet other interesting birds.

Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them on the other side of eternity.

I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.

To forgive is Godly. To begrudge is manly. I don’t even have any chest hair, so you know where I stand.

Love is like a rain cloud under the dome of an umbrella. But I’m cool with that, because that’s what I call a portable shower.

We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars).

Salmon swim against my stream of consciousness.

I often wonder how far I’d go for love. I guess it all depends on the price of gas.

I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.

Myth, mist, and mystery all add to the illusion of love. If you need me I’ll be by the fog machine wearing a tunic and writing an epic poem in Greek.

My streak of breaking sticks was snapped when I couldn’t snap the twig. So instead I snapped my fingers. And I discovered I have some real musical talent, so I’m hoping to audition to be...

Cancel tomorrow! Who do you think you are, God?

Coffee is for lovers. So if you don’t drink coffee, you must be asexual, and I’d love to study your mating ritual.

My hotel room faces the ocean. My face is also oceanic.

A brick could be used as a period on a really large sentence. A blanket could be used as a really large tilde sign.

If you can be quiet, you’re more than welcome to stay in my House of Silence. Bring your own bubblegum ice cream.

My computer file is zipped, but my pants are not. Let us make love like 1968, before Al Gore invented the internet.

Bricks could be used to build structures that homosapiens can live in and engage in homosexuality in. Crazy, right? Well, it is 2012, and I think the world is progressive enough to finally accept houses.

Life is still very much the same since I said I love you and she said nothing. That was two months ago, and neither one of us has yet to hang up the phone. I...

I have a protective coating, like a tank. It’s called Love. And when I get you naked, I’ll want to make war to you.

There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up.

You know how mainstream news is interspersed with product ads? Well, why aren’t all the shows made entirely out of the stuff? I find commercials more believable, and I’d be more inclined to watch.

I don’t know, from other people’s pockets?

I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.

Where other men failed, I was able to unzip her pants. All I did was gently turn the handle. I make love like a locksmith in a room with no doors.

The political brain is shaped like a peanut, only not as big.

I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wife, who would have told her that I’m no cheat.

Son of Manana.” Of course it isn’t accurate, because I’m the father of yesterday.

My lucky rabbit’s foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.