I wore a long white dress shirt and no pants, so it looked like a white dress. I felt like a bride in love. Well, at least until my boss fired me.

Everything I know about love, my cat taught me. It put its paw on my head and transferred all knowledge to me.

We made love. With our hands. Then we sold it to cars stopped at the red light.

My feet are dense with dance. I move like I’m wearing concrete boots and I’m trying to tread water. If the music is salsa, I may start gargling.

Ahhhhh!

I have the sex drive of a parked car.

If I can delay your action with my inaction, then I’ll gladly do nothing for the good of the no good.

Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy.

Winter is nature’s way of sitting on the sofa and not doing a damn thing. When love grows cold, maybe it’s just impersonating January.

A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the sudden a mustache in a cowboy hat riding a vagina runs through the...

the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter.” Thanks, Wikipedia!

I’d like to wade through all the people named Wade in this city, and personally call all of them to congratulate them on their fabulous name.

My love is forever, like eternity, only not.

I had a dream about you. We were running on the beach, holding hands. It was a nude beach, but we were the only ones wearing clothes. You wore a bikini, and I wore my...

If it’s dangerous, then you go first. If it’s pleasurable, then I’ll be brave and lead the charge.

I wear my job like a robe. I can’t wait to take it off. I vacation like a nudist showers—in the rain, under an umbrella, with five judges watching and awarding style points.

The old me is younger than the new me, the me now.

Love with all your heart. And the rest of your body. Oh, and your mind, too.

What does it do?” you’re probably wondering. Well, I’ll tell you. What it does is makes you wonder: What does it do?

I ordered a beer and then I ordered another beer, because why finish one when I can finish two? Having only one is great for love, but bad for beer.

My heart is spinning. Love is a tornado. Will you be my Kansas?

Nobody wants to leave what they know to go either to the unknown, or to grandmother’s house.

The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup.

A fridge will keep your steaks fresh, but keeping a live cow in grandmother’s room will keep the meat fresher. Let this be a lesson in love.

We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.

Asking me if I’m in love is like asking a mortician if now is the best time to die.

My dad taught me everything I know about being a man, and most of what I know about being a woman. The rest I had to learn from textbooks.

My nostrils smell, but not to you. Oh, they have no odor, unless you count the scent of nostalgia, which is what they always smell like.

A brick could be used as a time travel device. I didn’t say it would work well, and you’d say it didn’t work at all, but I’d reply that you probably weren’t using it right....

I’m not just a guy’s guy. I also have a mom.

I bowl with cannonballs, because this is war, 1863 style. I could probably bowl a perfect 300 game using only half the deaths at Gettysburg.

Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of...

A father and son walked into a bar, and the bartender didn’t serve either because the one didn’t look old enough. And he was right. Who becomes a dad in middle school?

Some women will spread a lie faster and wider than they’d spread their legs. These women are worse than whores. These women are politicians.

Exposing the truth almost always hurts some, but helps others. But if you don’t expose it, you’ll still be hurting some and helping others. Just the other others.

What defines me as a person? A dictionary.

It’s not true I think all politicians are morons. Morons are far too intelligent to be politicians.

How to arrive unexpectedly and invisibly: show up looking poor, but not homeless.

Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.

I want to be the leading man in a story about followers.

Love is the color of red inverted. At least that’s what Gunnar Greenlove told me, and I believe him because he’s from an island where half the people tell only the truth and half tell...

Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.

I have a responsibility as a human being to care for animals—including politicians.

A slinky is a toy made for stairs, but that’s entirely too tiresome. What about a toy for escalators that doesn’t move and does nothing and that’s the whole point? I think Americans would relate...

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I reminded them of Orafoura’s shadow, I’d have a penny more than ninety nine cents. And even then that’s because I muttered it to...

Politicians give criminals a bad name. A bad name like a bad word like shit.

A writer must be a lifelong reader to be good. And if you want to be a great writer, I’d suggest trying to live a long life by reading the ingredients of the foods you...

What I want more than a car that goes from Point A to Point B, is a car that stops. I make it a point to break for love. My horn is broke—and so am...

I just made ice cream. Accidentally. I made regular cream, and then winter kicked in.

Drawing on my past experiences, I used a lot of erasers. My aging wisdom is starting to look a lot like a nude portrait of Alice Neel.