I have a tongue like a rose petal, and when I say I love you, it has the fragrance of truth. My words are my garden, and I’m planting our future.

It’s dark at night, yet people still drive. So I don’t see why people get so upset that I drive blindfolded during the day.

It’s hard to steal somebody’s shoes while they are wearing them and not have them notice. But that’s what politicians have done in this country. Not only that, but they replaced all our footwear with...

A brick could be used to support a wobbly table. Who got that table drunk, anyway?

I’m the sort of guy who will accept blame, if it means being singled out as honest and honorable, and there’s a chance I’ll be rewarded.

I bought an oxygen tank, because with the global population at over seven billion people and rising, what if the world were to suddenly run out of air? And while the people will be suffocating,...

I don’t want to do anything I have to do, even if I want to do it. Compulsion takes the fun out of it.

Trying to resist my love is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a surfboard. My advice is to take up boogie boarding.

I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.

When it comes to Schopenhauer, I think I need a To-Go box.

A blanket could be used as a shield, in a fight with a cold shower. I know, because I won that battle this morning, only I wielded a sword—and an erection made of sleep.

Politicians think the only way out of a hole is to keep digging.

One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes the US so great. That’s what freedom is all about.

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred.

If a man’s a constant hand-shaker, he must be a politician or a crook—or both, if he is a politician.

I would crack a smile, but I don’t like breaking things.

In my dream, the passenger seat of my car was a toilet. I guess I was on my way to pick up a politician.

He has wisdom beyond his years. He’s 87-years-old, and he’s at least as wise as an 88-year-old.

If our limbic system betrays our true intentions, and it’s beyond our conscious control, then only a fool would consider lying a wise course of action. Politicians are full of such wisdom.

Love is the throbbing that keeps you awake at night. Or is that simply from taking too much Viagra?

Jarod Kintz is a friend, a lover, and a loner. Jarod Kintz talks about Jarod Kintz, because Jarod Kintz has nobody else to talk to. Jarod Kintz is also a liar and a thief, and...

Don’t do something today you’ll regret for the next 10,000 tomorrows. No, you should have done that yesterday.

If a policy isn’t working, don’t change the policy—change its name. That should be taught in Politics 101.

You may be ugly, son, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be rich. In fact, it kind of means you have to be rich. At least if you don’t want to be asexual and alone...

If you’re too slow off a red light, I’ll lay on my horn, because I’m a honky. Was that racist? Only if you’re trying to stir up political votes.

I won’t put up with a woman who tries to put me down. But I might put out if she lets me put it in.

I didn’t apply for a job this morning, but I did apply deodorant. So I have that going for me.

The boxer had two black eyes. But that’s to be expected, since he was from Africa.

I had a dream about you. We were two lovers disguised as librarians. We met in the non-fiction section, and that’s the truth. Or at least that’s what we told your parents. They didn’t need...

I want the gift of a guitar—no strings attached. I want your love to also have no strings attached—and be just as musical.

If there are seven people present, myself included, and there is one pizza that’s cut into eight slices, then everyone should get one slice—except for me, who should get two slices, because I didn’t pay....

I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.

Only a retard tries to cut something with the handle of a pair of scissors. Well, only a retard or a politician, but the two are synonymous.

The world may be running out of water, but it isn’t running low on music. Let the dancing flow!

Bribery—it’s the way to get ahead. At least in politics.

She said if you don’t dance and you wear no pants I will marry you. I said, I do.

SETI scans the stars searching for extraterrestrial intelligence, which pretty much rules out them ever finding an alien politician.

I may look like someone you know. I resemble an apple pie.

I had a dream about you. I was a parakeet in flight, and you were an empty cage. I felt bad, because if you were empty it meant that all the criminals were free to...

I run a Falconi Four operation out of my garage. If you’re not familiar with Vegas, you wouldn’t know what it is (it originated in Reno during the Falconi Reno Reign of Terror).

How much distance should there be between art and artist? I’d say no more than a lifetime.

Eleven out of ten people surveyed said they appreciate nonsense.

In high school pottery class, I never made a whole vase. Instead I made fragments that I tried to sell as historical artifacts. The effort earned me an F in pottery, and an A in...

I’ll leave the door cracked, because cracked is better than broken.

I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.

In this moment I’m reminded of Thor tutoring me math in the second grade. Thor was a math major in college, and in fact, Thor has an Erdős number of three. This means that Thor...

This is my logo for Two-Faced

I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.

Love sounds like a trumpet mimicking a trombone. That’s one of my hobbies, when I’m not impersonating statues of mimes.

A tie is a two-way loss, not a double win. Only a loser feels like a winner by being the equal of his opponent.