I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.

To get him to agree, I put a gun to his head. To get him to not change his mind, I blew out his brains.

My streak of breaking sticks was snapped when I couldn’t snap the twig. So instead I snapped my fingers. And I discovered I have some real musical talent, so I’m hoping to audition to be...

Cancel tomorrow! Who do you think you are, God?

I consume knowledge like food. I prefer learning about fruits and vegetables.

My hotel room faces the ocean. My face is also oceanic.

A brick could be used as a period on a really large sentence. A blanket could be used as a really large tilde sign.

She said she loved me, and I didn’t believe it for a minute. Maybe 59 seconds, but not a whole minute. I may be gullible, but I’m not without an accurate way to measure time.

My computer file is zipped, but my pants are not. Let us make love like 1968, before Al Gore invented the internet.

Bricks could be used to build structures that homosapiens can live in and engage in homosexuality in. Crazy, right? Well, it is 2012, and I think the world is progressive enough to finally accept houses.

Alzheimer’s is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember what’s been stolen.

I have a protective coating, like a tank. It’s called Love. And when I get you naked, I’ll want to make war to you.

There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up.

I don’t worry about GDP. Not when there are so many other combinations of letters to be concerned with.

I don’t know, from other people’s pockets?

I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.

When I feel sad, I try to think of someone else in the world who is suffering worse than me. Like someone in Seattle, who is hurting so bad financially that instead of a vente...

The political brain is shaped like a peanut, only not as big.

I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wife, who would have told her that I’m no cheat.

He looks like you’d imagine him to look like, if you had no imagination.

My lucky rabbit’s foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.

I fed her a placebo, a sugar pill, and then tried to sugarcoat the truth. The truth was I was lying when I said I loved her. Oh, I it was true I loved her,...

Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.

When I first heard Twilight was a book about vampires that sparkled in the light and shape shifters/wolves eager to assist the vampires, I thought, Finally, a metaphorical book dealing with politicians and lobbyists.

Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?

I look for patterns that nobody else does. Like I noticed that my face looks like a tablecloth. Especially when I have food all over it.

The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times he’s most valuable to our country.

I used to think how lucky she was to have me, but now I realize that’s backwards. A spirit of gratitude yields patience, love, and forgiveness.

She gave me the cold shoulder, so I heated it up in the microwave. Sometimes #love is leftovers.

The sky smashed into my face, but I didn’t say anything, because aside from a warm breeze, I didn’t feel anything.

The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you.

My love is like leftovers, and her image is the original meal. I should have eaten it all in one sitting.

Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.

Better than learning how to speak a foreign language, is to start speaking the truth. But few people will listen, because they just don’t understand.

I’m clingy like clang on pots. My love is cookable.

She’s beautiful, but she’s also got brains. I’ll bet zombies would love to eat out of her skull like a bowl of Jell-O that had an IQ of 180—which is absurd, because the last bowl...

You make me so happy I could frown. Let us dance like two rocking chairs at a KISS concert, and let us kiss like two people named Sam Asmas who’ve just discovered the meaning of...

I want a moon canoe, because have you ever tried paddling through dirt? Love is a journey, and I try to travel as efficiently as I can.

Be true to who you are as a person. Or, if you’re a politician, be true to who you are as an animal. Actually, to be true as a politician you have to be false.

Never chew off the hand you write with, you might survive and have to sign autographs.

Right on cue, I figured out the letter that comes after P.

Would you mind terribly if instead of serving desert, I masturbated quietly at the dinner table? I’m training for Congress.

Of all the pessimistic people, I am the most optimistic. I look forward to looking down on all the people looking up to me for answers from below.

Dream dialogue: -Don’t cry. I, too, know what it’s like to be different. -But I’m not different. I’m normal, I’m average, and that’s why I’m crying.

I’d rather jump in a tank with a tiger shark than make love to his right hand. I don’t care if he is going around gathering political votes.

A sand trap is like a politician in its duality. It represents two opposing viewpoints. You see, it was designed to trap your ball. So it exists to have balls land in it. But it...

I often wear camouflaged pants so when I walk I look like a floating torso. I love with the same air of mystery.

In my hands I hold the tools necessary for our government to fix our economic situation. My hands are empty, because a hands-off approach is the best approach.

But I still have no cash flow. I need a job, or the gift of prophecy and a plane ticket to Las Vegas.

Yeah, you could say her and I are lovers. She wouldn’t say it, and neither would I, but you could.