Instead of selling other countries weapons, we should sell them candles. Maybe then instead of singing the praises of war, they’d start singing Happy Birthday. And I don’t know anybody, not even my bully of...

A blanket could be used to trap my love in, before it dissipates out into the world.

Dinner was good. The conversation was great, but the food was bad, so it averaged out. I wish I were as good in bed as I am in the kitchen.

Too much coffee has been spilled in the name of war. Let us love and savor every drop.

I’ve got a nice racket going. I make tennis ball swatters. My favorite score is love all. That’s also how I live my life.

Not getting laid can be a crippling experience, but then I don’t go looking for sex along the interstate.

I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.

I’ll see a tree and be reminded of her. So I’ll have to go have sex with that tree.

To be surrounded by sixty people who make your life miserable is to be at a family reunion. But to be surrounded by 600,000 people who make the whole world miserable is to live in...

I’m the most expensive person in my life. Every day I pay for the poor decisions of my past.

We made love like Wednesday and Thursday, only Thursday wasn’t always on top. Her name was Yesterday, and today will always remind me of her.

How can I clearly see what’s wrong with someone else, and then look at myself as though I’m standing in front of a fogged mirror?

I’ve got nothing, but at least I’ve got nothing to lose.

Let’s make Kool-Aid together. I’ll bring the Kool-Aid and the sugar, if you water down the sex.

Newt Gingrich, buddy, the people of the United States don’t like you. And the only reason the rest of the world doesn’t despise you is because they don’t know you. Thankfully you won’t have to...

Love is silence multiplied by noise and divided by two.

I like sex to be intense. I also like sex to be in tents.

When I was 18 I got bitten by a snake, and since then I have refused to vote for either a Republican or a Democrat.

Love is the science of reducing your sound while upping the amplitude of another person.

I took a risk by not taking a risk, and that’s the nature of nature.

On my recent trip to Washington DC, I wore a hat I made out of a tin funnel that I covered with fur. Why? Because I was going to where the world’s largest collection of...

If I aged twice as fast and lived twice as long as a normal person, would I be Wisdom Man?

Dear people of the world: If any of you have exceeded my expectations, it’s because I expect nothing from nobody.

Make your vote count. Be the guy responsible for counting and tallying all the votes.

I like to meet people and pretend I’ll never see them again. I tend to value things more if I think it’s the last time I’ll get to enjoy it. I’ll savor every moment I...

My leadership style can be summed up in one word: Follower.

I used to think that Satan and all the fallen angels were the most evil beings in the universe. Now I think it’s absurd and naïve to think that. Oh, Satan exists, but he’s a...

The width of the with is not as wide as the without, but the path is a more enjoyable walk, because you are not walking alone.

I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.

I’m tired, and I just want to take a nap. But I want some good sleep, so does anybody know where I can go take in a political speech?

I’ve always been one to share things. Particularly things like responsibility and blame.

My heart hated her, but my penis loved her. Taken together, I felt normal.

I find politicians’ speeches moving. Sometimes I don’t even pack up before forever leaving their vicinity.

I thought you were her because she wasn’t here yesterday and neither were you. What would I do without you? Probably the same thing I didn’t do yesterday—nothing.

I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking.

I don’t break wind—I repair it. I am the anti politician, because when one speaks, he farts through his mouth, and the people always suffer.

I haven’t had a birthday party in a while, probably because I’m not really into celebrating myself. Especially not for an achievement (the creation of me) that I did not contribute too.

The piece of junk is a piece of me. It’s a part of my family, and I can’t part with it. The rusty can is all my father left me when he left us to...

Love is like 9.75 plus .25. That’s 10, for all of you people trying to add fractions on your fingers. I can only count using eight, because I’m too busy using my middle fingers to...

My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it.

I only like bubble gum if it’s flavored like the bottom of my shoe. I once stepped on my stepdad, but he was dressed like a puddle so it’s not like I’m at fault.

I had a dream about you. You were in the oil business, and I sold icy roads for a living. You didn’t understand who’d buy such a thing, and I said you didn’t understand how...

The best gift is one that’s paid for by the recipient. My love for you is for sale.

I’ll give you the mother-in-law discount—200% of the 50% off sales price.

I bought it and threw it away. Why? Because I paid for it. The only thing better would be if taxpayers purchased it. I should be a politician.

In a relationship, I’m committed to giving her 100% of 50%.

A person isn’t an assortment of body parts. A person is a collection of habits and decisions.

How did my semen get on his anus? Simple—the lipstick. But that’s politics, no?

When I jog it’s like a dancing dog. Well, it’s more of a foxtrot.