My father inherited my old looks.

A stack of graham crackers represents me as a person: am I a cookie or a cracker? Neither. Both. I’m a crackie.

I’ll sell you a whole half for half price, but that 50% price only has a half-life of a half a day. I’m only doing this because I’m a wholesome guy.

My grandmother got approved right before the law changed, so naturally she got grandfathered in. In related news, but completely unrelated, I was adopted.

I had a dream about you. You were Ginger Rogers, and you were trying to teach me to dance, even though my movements were as stiff as a mannequin. I think you tolerated my abysmal...

19-year ninja veterans are best at representing 16-year-old cave shadows. So let us not delay in making love to the sound of clapping. Though we need no applause for our performance.

For such small heads, little kids seem to have the biggest brains. No disrespect to midgets.

The clouds rolled over the hills like a pack of midgets wearing gray togas somersaulting in unison, and I thought it’s a glorious day to be alive and in love.

I make love like a stampede of camels running down the hallway of the 14th floor of a hotel. That’s also known as hyperbole—and the 13th floor.

My soul left my body, and my body left my clothes and went streaking through the streets.

If you chose my clone over me, you chose me over me. So I’d get chosen, and I’d get rejected.

More than anything, I just want to be somebody. Somebody like my own clone.

I work hard for my money. It feels very liberating to be broke.

Love is like an elephant with wings. If it doesn’t fly, at least it remembers.

Nobody looks at what can’t look. We don’t see what doesn’t see. If love is blind, then so are we, because it’s all around us.

Make your money make money: Buy a printing press and some blank currency paper.

I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it.

Do not stick your dick in a hair dryer. Not if you’ve got two tickets to Las Vegas and some leftover lasagna in your fridge.

I gave her all my love, because it was cheaper than giving her all my money. Now I’m in debt, and now I’m in debt. She had too much interest in me.

I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always keep it classy.

I tried to mug a wealthy man, but was unsuccessful because I was out of coffee cups. I wish I was less poor and more pour.

If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.

A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You’d better get walking, because me and...

The best way to deal with tiredness is to sleep it off.

As a lover I aim to please, and afterwards I aim at the toilet. Sometimes I miss, but no matter what, you’ll always receive splatters of intimacy.

I is not only a letter, I is me. So in that respect, I guess I am a simple guy.

When I hear people say Rest In Peace, I get jealous, because I’m a restless sleeper.

A lightning bolt is sharper than an axe, because it’ll chop down a tree with one strike. My love is like that too—good for making firewood.

I was honored at the awards ceremony. I didn’t get any recognition, but I was honored to be there. (Tickets were cheaper than I imagined!)

He said he didn’t think he is good, but you can tell that secretly he thinks he’s good. And he’s right—he’s not good.

Having to eat fruit drives me bananas. But it’s OK, I park. Then I pick up a hooker and make love like I’ve got no money. And I really don’t have any.

I shed my clothes like a garage doesn’t shed—and a shed doesn’t garage. Then we made love like neighbors, so close, yet separated by several barriers.

When I was a little boy, say 17 months old, I lived in the forest. I was raised by bears. We had a good time. We laughed a lot. At least I think we laughed...

I’m glad the government can’t tax love, because I’d owe them a lot of it. And I’d be forced to tell them how much my ex wife stole.

A blanket could be used to protect your heart from heartbreak. Keep your heart warm, because if your heart grows as cold as ice, it’s much more likely to shatter.

I use one word to ward off love: No. She used no words to ward of love. Seriously, she tells me nothing, and in this way she tells me she doesn’t love me.

Your unborn children cry in your testicles. I can hear them when you masturbate. Your mother loves me more than she loves you.

The worst part about clones is you could be both innocent and guilty at the same time. I didn’t do it—but I did, in the form of my clone.

I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.

Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus.

A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging from. Let the homeowner know how much you care.

The pros and cons of being a criminal: Pros—are cons that haven’t been caught. Cons—are former pros that made a mistake.

Aside from myself, there aren’t too many people trying to be me. That may change in the future, when all my clones arrive.

Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some “footage.

You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash.

See men run. Semen swim.

I think Starbucks would go out of business if more people were to Superglue their eyelids open when they felt tired.

Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.

The passenger door was wide open, nobody was around, and a purse was inside. Was this a trap? It seemed too good to be true. Temptation overtook me, so I reached in the car, popped...

I’ll write the first sentence in English and the second sentence will be nonsense translated to Russian, to make the ultimate non sequitur.