The voice of a donkey braying in the neighbouring meadow seemed like the mocking laughter of demons.

I want the evening upon which we lose our collective virginities to be special. I’m no parthenologist but I suspect that Jordana’s virginity is still intact. Her biological knowledge is minimal. She thinks that a...

Drafting is like painting the Golden Gate Bridge.The closer you get to the end, the more you start to worry about the beginning.

Elsie eyed him puzzledly, and then offered, “Would you like to see my plate?

I should fancy, however, that murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.

You know what would be awesome? . . . If I could have a machete.

But if I’d known there was going to be a firearms examination at the end of the kidnapping, by God, I would have studied for it!

Veimke” (jeune fille au pair),is subject to natural law,and can be made fat,by such things as poor diet,and alcohol.

She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven’t done in years— barnyard sounds.

Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.

It’s a long story. Want a refill?””No, let’s start the steak. Where’s the button?””Right here.””Well, push it.””Me? You offered to cook.””Ben Caxton, I will lie here and starve before I will get up to push...

We live in different times. I would not have described London as a city of gun-toters but that was when Londoners still said sorry when you knock them over and called cappuccinos fluffy coffees &...

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I was playing Rasputin and what was motivating him was crumpet really, and I was extremely keen on crumpet so I was really rather good as Rasputin. And my next catastrophic failure was Macbeth, who...

I think Amy Winehouse’s decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, “Ooh, look! A tunnel!...

This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had...

Do women usually thank you for saying things like that?

When the first book out my sister-in-law read it and we were chatting at 5 o’clock in the afternoon and she said, “Oh my God, chapter six, sex and a murder,” and her five year...

Ah, man! This was my favorite shirt. Who tore it?” he asked, trying to pull the ragged edges together.

The Brigadier had no wish to shake hands with the improbable young man in the ridiculous frock-coat.

Tiffany knew what the problem was immediately. She’d seen it before, atbirthday parties. Her brother was suffering from tragic sweetdeprivation. Yes, he was surrounded by sweets. But the moment he took anysweet at all, said...

Yeah. The tax that men have to pay for not having to menstruate every month. Or risk getting pregnant. Or deal with the physically stronger sex in a macho world… Women have to put up...

Nice work,” I commented drily. “How old was that littlest one? Five? Did she put up a terrible fight?””I feared for my life,” Zach said with a perfectly straight face. “You must be bored, Julia....

I am a perfectionist in spirit

Hating Britain is a fundamental part of being British

Cheese!” I exclaimed. It was a secret prayer, whose meaning was known only to God and to me.

Sometimes being given the elbow can turn out to be the best hand.

D’you think he would have thought ahead like that?” said Henry. “Assuredly,” said Will. “The man’s a strategist.” He tapped his temple. “Like me.

Soul: As a cool guy, I’m used to seeing naked women.Blair: That explains the nosebleed

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

You’ve messed with the wrong god if you get keys to willy wonka chocolate factory and diabetes the same day..

In a Pyongyang restaurant, don’t ever ask for a doggie bag.

There is a certain amount which I shan’t mention publicly,” Elizabeth said. “Things about Lucia which I should never dream of stating openly.””Those are just the ones I should like to hear about most,” said...

Host: For those of you just tuning in, our guests tonight are the amazing Murder Magician, and his lovely minion, The Assistant…Assistant: Charmed, I’m sureHost: Who recently killed The Rumor. And you were awarded the...

Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?” said a cold, drawling voice.Draco Malfoy had arrived for a closer look, Crabbe and Goyle right behind him.”Yeah, reckon so,” said Harry casually.”Got plenty of special features, hasn’t...

I prefer dead writers because you don’t run into them at parties.

God does not play dice, bankers do.

For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever...

A few years ago it dawned on me that everybody past a certain age … pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives. They don’t want to be who they are...

When it comes to emotions, women know how to paint with the full set of oils, while men are busy doodling with crayons.

There was something strangely compelling about a Japanese guy with lamb-chop sideburns and a voice so shrill you could be forgiven for thinking his testicles were wired to the national grid.

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially...

Shouldn’t someone give a pep talk or something?” Minho asked, pulling Thomas’s attention away from Alby.”Go ahead,” Newt replied.Minho nodded and faced the crowd. “Be careful,” he said dryly. “Don’t die.

You’ll be alright,” I say, “Mum likes you.

Tag opened the door to his knock, and with a look of disappointment, peered behind Wade.”You got someone better coming over?” Wade asked him.”Pizza,” Tag said.

Yes, but none of them can steal my ship.None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.-Captain Tagon & Ennesby

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

I also think pronunciation of a foreign tongue could be better taught than by demanding from the pupil those internal acrobatic feats that are generally impossible and always useless. This is the sort of instruction...

A man is known by the company of the phone he keeps.

I don’t like good habits. They strike me as being so easily broken.