Such a narrative as this demands some sort of physical consolation for its spiritual tribulation. Our heroine received it in one last cup of tea. The reader may be advised to do so likewise.

The men who made the joke saw something deep which they could not express except by something silly and emphatic.

The emperor is naked!”The parade stopped. The emperor paused. A hush fell over the crowd, until one quick-thinking peasant shouted:”No, he isn’t. The emperor is merely endorsing a clothing-optional lifestyle!

No! Wait! I’ve got a better idea…””Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock.””And your point is…””Let’s broaden the definition of ‘necessary’.”-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon

The earliest intelligence of the travellers’ safe arrival at Antigua, after a favourable voyage, was received; though not before Mrs. Norris had been indulging in very dreadful fears, and trying to make Edmund participate them...

Life makes fun of us and we should help it.

I don’t have my whip and chair with me.

No. See, when you throw up you’re vomiting, but when you throw down you’re starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet.””Ohhhh,” he said. “I thought you were speaking literally.””I do beg your pardon....

…food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

Getting to a higher spiritual level is like increasing your credit score. You get a lot more points for sinning and repenting than if you have no credit history at all.

But the loneliness was still on Danny and demanded an outlet.’Here we sit,’ he began at last.’ – broken-hearted,’ Pilon added rhythmically.’No, this is not a poem,’ Danny said. ‘Here we sit, homeless. We gave...

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

Sorry, no professionals.

And finally, I get to meet the Breakup Coach” Ryan says before we can be introduced. “I’m a big fan of your work” he says with mock admiration as I turn around. I decide I...

I’m very much afraid I didn’t mean anything but nonsense.

I don’t know if you have had the same experience, but the snag I always come up against when I’m telling a story is this dashed difficult problem of where to begin it.

Shocked my old friend from China, Deja Vu, when I turned up at his door without notice.

I am who I am and that’s who I am

we live in a world where singles are more sexual active than couples

If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.

His relationship with illness was flirtatious; only a particularly attractive ailment could tempt him into bed.

Sadie gave her head an exaggerated scratch. ‘Don’t come too close if you know what’s good for you, these nits are on steroids.

I ache to swim again. Walking’s for mammals.

To write your dreams of fantasy, is to create fantasy in another’s dreams

Luis is right there.” I point to the corner of the yard, where my little brother is the centre of attention doing imitations of barnyard animals. I have yet to inform him that talent isn’t...

I’m a damsel, I’m in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day!

It’s August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

… a man aint so different from a horse or a mule, come long come short, except a mule or a horse has got a little more sense.

Anyone who says “Trust me” is the last motherfucker you should ever trust.

According to Festus, our flying table, Buford, made it back safely while we were in Charleston, so those eagles didn’t get him. Unfortunately, he lost the laundry bag with your pants.””Dang it!” Frank Barked, which...

Neither of the two people in the room paid any attention to the way I came in, although only one of them was dead.

He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the...

Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don’t feel bad. It happens all the time.

Everyone assumes writers spend their time lounging around, writing and occasionally striking a pose whilst having a think.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i’ the other place yourself.

Boss, she’s a _Dragon_. They don’t _believe_ in assassination. They consider it a _crime_. If you go up to her and–“”Kragar,” I interrupted, “I never said that I was going to go up to her...

Hard,” she replied.

What was up with class today? It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed.

I need some space.””Because of my past?””No, because of mine. When I’m around you I feel like I’m falling. I need to stop before I smash into the ground.””Are you always so honest?””No. Mostly I’m...

I don’t need to travel back in time to cause trouble. Seeing back through time finds me trouble enough!

It’s not up for discussion anymore. Just eat your ice cream. And don’t spill any on Brady.

When the road ahead seems impossible, start the engine

Tears streamed down my face. I was so happy I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But at the same time I knew that that afternoon’s downpour would have made the slate tiles so...

The iron has entered my soul,’ announced George Knox impressively. ‘Let me tell you, my dear Laura, that when I lay here weak and ill, unable to raise a hand in my own defence, I...

Pissec approaches Pamela Geiger’s cubicle, itching in rhythm with her. He wants to ask her a question while Kalist is out of earshot. She’s not a grass, he’s sure, but stupid people die first.

Opposite Pissec sits ghoulish Gottfried Baumauer, a tall, skinny workaholic with dark-ringed eye sockets and long, yellowing smoker’s fingers. He’s thirty-eight. He doesn’t say much. He drinks a lot of tea – likes it strong...

This is 1987. A girl can be whatever she wants to be.” “I know,” said Ray. “My mums a plumber.

The homeland might be lacking snakes, but it held its share of venom.

I find her anecdotes more efficacious than sheep-counting, rain on a tin roof, or alanol tablets…. you will find me and Morpheus, off in a corner, necking.