The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, converting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and...

It made Craze smile, despite wishing most of his body parts would find new homes and leave him in peace.

Big flashy things have my name written all over them. Well… not yet, give me time and a crayon.

Kurt pick his way around testing for heat before taking each step and avoiding places where the ash was heaps up.

The thing about changing the world… Once you do it, the world’s all different.

When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. “Put your clothes in for a wash,” he said. “They were disgusting.”Ginny always thought that the only way of getting...

A sense of humour is a sense of proportion.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Facebook should start publishing breakup stories. ‘So and so and so and so are no longer in a relationship.’ With a tombstone next to it.

You’re not?

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts

So then do you think it’s true that he killed someone? And what about the part where he wishes he could die?””If it IS true that he killed someone, that’s bad.”In any case, “it seems...

I want a new liver to replace my heart.””Um, why?””Because then I could drink more and care less.

There is indeed a great deal of futility amongst the human race which we do not commonly see, for it all forms part of our illusion; but let a man be much annoyed by something...

To refer even in passing to unpublished or struggling authors and their problems is to put oneself at some risk, so I will say here and now that any unsolicited manuscripts or typescripts sent to...

You’re a sweetie. I appreciate you cheering me on from the sidelines. But I think I need to go to the bathroom now and throw up.

Why don’t you go to bed for a bit, Glory?” suggested Robert. “It’s been a hell of a war.”It’s been a hell of a war, he said. I’ll never forget it.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I know. The problem is, he knows it, too.

Why?”Because I know it’ll annoy the shit out of you.

If I had free will, I would choose to be funnier.

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

Scotland is a soggy sort it place, where birds and animals walk around uncooked

And don’t succumb too much to the spell of these cases. I have seen many other fragments of the cross, in other churches. If all were genuine, our Lord’s torment could not have been on...

He plunged into the foliage, and was swept into a humid, wet world of towering trees, animal chirps and thick ferns. After a few steps, he turned, and could barely make out the village. He...

People who know me know that there’s a light-hearted side, humour… But you could easily say I am cheeky.

You little prick. It’s a whelk…it’s a…it’s a…dead whelk!

Never trust a person whose smile doesn’t reach their eyes, chances are they do similar thing when they “cry” – Just be sure you have that OSCAR ready next time they do this

He’s more a shape in a drape than a hep cat

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Are you one of his teammates?””Yeah,” Adam said, and it wasn’t a lie because according to some people, both he and Tony were playing for the other team. Which made them teammates of a sort.

The public thinks big, sensible, measured thoughts while people run around doing silly things

That figures. Finally applying your actuarial skills to what really matters, eh?

Expect problems and eat them for breakfast.

If you would feel comfortable going around to someone’s house at the end of a long day saying, “I’m just going to take my bra off,” you know you are intimate friends.

I left the warehouse at 8.00am. I don’t believe in 8.00am. It exists, though. 8.00am is incontrovertible evidence that evil dwells in the world.

the only way Bex would miss this would be if she were unconscious. And tied up. And in a concrete bunker. In Siberia.

You can label jam, you can’t label man

One minute you’re munching on a faerie plum the next minute you’re running naked down Madison Avenue with antlers on your head. Not,’ he added hastily, ‘that this has ever happened to me.

I do not dance,’ said Jean-Claude, who had forsworn that exercise for much the same reasons as Miss Stevenson.But here he spoke too soon, for Lady Dorothy Bingham, merciless to what she called ‘ballroom skulkers’,...

He’s in a side room alone with her and it’s far too fucking hot.

An overnight bag with the company logo – a white silhouette of a finch (which once perched on the curved back of a stallion representing cofounder, Orwell, but has now been ‘adjusted’) – sits motionless...

I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my heart this week by sending me an envelope that, when opened, contained a torn-off square of...

And to officially declare you have talent ” Suzy returned.

I mean to say, really, I am near to developing a neurosis – is there anyone around who doesn’t want to study or kill me?”Floote raised a tentative hand.”Ah, yes, thank you, Floote.””There is also...

Most men are not wicked… They are sleep-walkers, not evil evildoers.

Ik rende naar de badkamer en kotste alles er boven de wasbak weer uit.Dat luchtte op. Ik spoelde mijn mond en strompelde terug naar het bed.Even later hoorde ik mijn vader roepen: ‘Shit, Max, shít!...

In that one, they’d done their darnedest to destroy Riley’s Switch. This time, instead of two-by-fours and tire irons, they seemed a little more focused on choke holds and knees to the face. Their desire...

However, in the bedroom or in the club, I am a lot more equal than you.

Hmmm… that’s interesting.””What?””There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.