When I was in my early twenties I didn’t have a need to rub together, back when my life was a series of wants and whims. But recently I had felt overwhelmed by longings that...

Who’s possessing who now, Casper?

Theory of Evolution (Summary)First, there were some amoebas. Deviant amoebas adapted better to the environment, thus becoming monkeys. Then came Total Quality Management.

Basically, dating is like climbing a volcano and you never know when it’s going to erupt, dumping molten lava and burning you

It comes in pints?

Revenge may be wicked, but it’s natural.

We all hold the keys to our own jail cells.

You know you’re dealing with a numpty when her saving grace is that she didn’t help to cover up a murder.

Money’s scarceTimes are hardHere’s your fuckingXmas card

Historical Re-creation, he thought glumly, as they picked their way across, under, over or through the boulders and insect-buzzing heaps of splintered timber, with streamlets running everywhere. Only we do it with people dressing up...

This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger...

MmmmmmI like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it

I envy the man to snatch him up. This will be the only time in life I’m siding with Freud and experiencing ‘penis envy’. There will never be a repeat. Can’t be associated with too...

You can take that needle out of my leg now. I’d like to pull up my pants.

We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn’t obey the rules.

So you’re a Shadowhunter,’ Nate said. ‘De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.”Was that before or after he tried to eat you?’ Will inquired.

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

Putting a damp spoon back in the bowl is the tea-drinking equivalent of sharing a needle. And I did not want to end up with the tea-drinking equivalent of AIDS.

…And of course they’ll get their milk from us, because Gooch’s milk in the village really can’t be trusted. I do hope, Henry, the vicarage drains are all right if Martin is to go there,...

The beagles are partying under Geiger’s desk.

Baumauer sits at home in silence in the evenings planning how to impress his rigidly strict father who’s in his late seventies, but who still enforces the same dynamic between himself and his three, guilt-ridden...

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he’s working on these days. ‘My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United...

If you’re getting chased by a lion, you don’t need to run faster than the lion, just the people running with you. – Tim Ferris

And where,” Socrates smiled, “is the universe?””The universe is well, there are theories about how it’s shaped…””That’s not what I asked. Where is it?””I don’t know – how can I answer that?””That is the point....

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.

Ye are a scoundrel, a black-hearted robber and a rogue,’ Stubble said cheerily to the grumbling captain. It was his usual way of haggling, and he’d beaten down the riverman to a decent price for...

The club is too loud to talk, so after a couple of drinks, everyone feels like the centre of attention but completely cut off from participating with anyone else. You’re the corpse in an English...

Donegan Bane and Gracious O’Callahan – the Monster Hunters. Adventurers, inventors, authors of Monster Hunting for Beginners and it’s sequels, Monster Hunting for Beginners is Probably Inadvisable and Seriously, Dude, Stop Monster Hunting.

I’ll buy you a stick for Christmas.

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that ‘You’ are not worth him/her.

You go to church to respect God, not the priest. By not going to church, you disrespect God, not the priest. – Don Camillo

WANNA YOU WANNA WEENIE ME?” The end kind of trailed off in a shrill, choking warble.

Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to.

Is that a trick question?

I’d want to have sex with myself. All the time.

Maxim 4: Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Corvid looked up at her. “Oh, hello Doris.””Gertie, dear,” she said. “They call me Gertie.””You used to be Doris,” Corvid said as a matter of fact.”Who?” She seemed unsure of what she was being told.”Doris,...

Its done.’ Penteluck announced and scooped some onto a spoon for Zayne to drink.’No chance, you first. You’re already dead it won’t kill you if you drink it.’Penteluck frowned. ‘Zayne I’m already dead, how will...

Resilience, thy name is Devine.

I had always been warned that American didn’t always get sarcasm

I violently dislike you,’ she said, and then she was gone, slamming the door and leaving a sort of shocked silence behind.

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs.

I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms,...

CUSTOMER: I don’t know why she wants it, but my wife asked for a copy of The Dinosaur Cookbook.BOOKSELLER: The Dinah Shore Cookbook?

I wasn’t saying whatever they’re saying I was saying. I’m sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still...

It’s a ballad, Alf, and to be honest, it’s one of the slowest songs I can think of. You’d have been better off doing a slow waltz to something with that tempo. The other factor...

You don’t scare me, Cadence Jones. I’ve lived with crazy, I’ve ridden with crazy, I’ve vacationed with crazy, I’ve visited crazy in various hospitals, I’ve sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think...

110, 111 whatever it takes!”Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That’s a step too far.

Another oral exam, huh?’ Peter said.’Shut up, Peter,’ said Valentine.’You should relax and enjoy it,’ said Peter. ‘It could be worse.”I don’t know how.”It could be an anal exam.