When asked why I don’t believe in God I reply, quite simply, “vaginas”.

I am completely opposed to the British National Party; I couldn’t possibly support people who find fluorescent yellow flyers appealing.

Yes, you may ask my name but only if you can tell me: are your thighs as fine as a fresh, crisp morning in early July?

I was very surprised when last I bought a packet of cigarettes and had to request a refund as I read a warning that told me “smoking can cause fatal lung cancer”.

The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol so I recommend that young people take more drugs.

I think Amy Winehouse’s decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, “Ooh, look! A tunnel!...