Congratulations.You’ve just been demoted from the “pity” sector to the “apathy” sector.To check the validity of this offer you can ask if anyone cares.To cancel your subscription, go get a life.Thank you.

Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving...

Marry me. You’ll learn to love me, I promise.

What do you do,’ said Jean, ‘with, ah, “ungifted” children when you have them?”Cherish them and raise them, you imbecile. Most of them end up working for us, in Karthain and elsewhere. What did you...

I should explain — in view of my last letter, you may find it slightly surprising — that Daphne and I are now bosom friends. That is to say, she seems to think we are;...

It was said that life was cheap in Ankh-Morpork. This was of course, completely wrong. Life was often very expensive; you could get death for free.

You do know you could find yourself charged with being a dominant species while under the influence of impulse-driven consumerism, don’t you?

Let’s put it like this; men like Berkley, like me, we don’t get a no for an answer, a girl who says no is like a… like a unicorn, and we all want to ****...

Lilac’s moving, stirring as I shift away from her, and she rolls over with a little protesting noise, reaching sleepily after me. Then she begins to register the raindrops as they connect with her skin,...

Give a man a fishand he’ll eat for a day.Give a WOMAN a fish and she’ll feed the whole family for a week!

While the Clave disapproves of trespassers, oddly they take an even darker view of beheading and skinning people. They’re peculiar that way.

A bunch of bad songs, make an awful whine.

Old age is not just for grown up’s

An Ass put on a Lion’s skin and wentAbout the foreset with much merriment,Scaring the foolish beasts by brooks and rocks,Till at last he tried to scare the Fox. But Reynard, hearing from beneath the...

People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children’s story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great...

Baumauer has been lured into the exhausting habit of supplying Kalist with ever more exceptional quality work just to appease him and often survives all day and all evening without food, but Maxwell D. Kalist...

I don’t think I have the right parts to appreciate ’50 Shades of Grey’.

Michael and Luke met for the first time after 106 years – although the pair lived just 20 miles away from each other.

This was all splendid stuff for Luciaphils; it was amazing how at a first glance she recognised everybody. The gallery, too, was full of dears and darlings of a few weeks’ standing, and she completed...

I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation.

Other married people have lived together and hated each other. Why shouldn’t we? We may forget even to hate.

We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception. It’s liberating. But we...

And there shall come a kingdom in which the lion shall lie down with the lamb. Unfortunately for the lamb it shall be inside the lion!

Skul-man!’ he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. ‘Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!’ Skulduggery nodded. ‘Just got back.

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy...

Matt shrugged. It was a good shrug, too. All it was missing was a beret, a stripy shirt and a Gauloise cigarette.

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.

Every student should know that statues are meant for sitting. If we’re to endure their terrible old faces leering at us, the least they can do is offer shade or a comfortable perch.” Nigel Bristow...

Sure, at some level scientists know nanobots will destroy mankind. They just can’t resist seeing how it happens.

After a lifetime of soft, easy living in the West, one’s buttocks take an awful hammering out here. Backpacking around India is just one long round of sitting on bone-hard, chafing, bruising and generally uncomfortable...

We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.Cross it? I’m making plans to destroy the bridge from orbit.-Colonel Ceeta & Captain Tagon

Hopeless. Freak. Elephant. Pitiful

Two whores who finally found something to mother. A guy could write a book about it, he thought bitterly, call it From Hair To Maternity. It would probly be a very long book. Whores did...

To find your way you must first take the steps

I’m the Doctor; I’m worse than everybody’s aunt!

Sometimes you know you’ve got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn’t so messed up, it wouldn’t be like that. If the world was normal, a...

Tonight sucks. And look at me. Look at – look at stupid Buffy. Too dumb for college, and-and-and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And-and my job at the magic shop? I was bored...

Eton produced Society’s Monsters – everyone knew that. Politicians, mostly, and occasionally people who ran banks and all the other institutions that stole the world’s spoils for themselves.

Okay, guys. Stop it. Are you going to start peeing on me to mark your territory?

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

I love therapy. I don’t get the taboo about seeking therapy at all. It’s exactly like taking Buzzfeed quizzes. At the end of the day, we all want to know what cocktail we are. But...

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

Louis-Cesare and Ray were in trouble.I could tell because I could see them, not clearly, but in fits and starts, little glimmers like a couple of ghosts, if ghosts made “oh shit” faces on the...

The sign of a good conscience is for a man to be in support of basically everything that Westboro Baptist isn’t.

I was not so comfortable with my new authority that I could say ‘We eat the chicken now!’ but the magus had seen that I was considering it…”My purse is full enough,” said the magus,...

He’d done it like he did everything else—with passion and total disregard for how much it might embarrass her.

Anywhere you are standing right now is like no where else on earth. So look at the cars, the trees, the buildings and soak it all in.

Just leave me alone, I want to be alone,” she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was...

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

I really need 5 hours of Facebook to balance out my 5 minutes of studying.