loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.

Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s important you feel comfortable around me, Kenny. It’s important we build up a level of trust. That way I’ll catch you completely unprepared when I suddenly accuse you...

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

Many people claim coffee inspires them, but, as everybody knows, coffee only makes boring people even more boring.

Let me deal withit. Normally I’m not into directconfrontation with this sort of shit, butthere’s isn’t enough time for it to fizzle outon its own.”Mzatal regarded me with that damnedunreadable mask which he’d slipped on...

Sam, Sam, quite contrary,bought a budgie,wanted a canary.Sam, Sam, quite contrary, kissed Suzannah,meant to kiss Marry.Sam, Sam, quite contrary,dressed as a pirate,playing a fairy.Sam Sam quite contrary,ate dark chocolate,says he likes diary.Sam, Sam, quite contarary,shaved...

I’m glad to be eating the bread of freedom even if it does taste like sponge buttered with greasy salt.

I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.

Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.

Un optimiste, c’est un homme qui plante deux glands et qui s’achète un hamac.

Gideon laughed. “I like to be direct.””Okay,” I said. “But I warn you, I like to be evasive, inserutable and generally send mixed messages.” “I doubt it.””Human interaction is not my strong point,” I told...

You will do well to take advantage of Madame’s short residence to get up your French a little… You will be glad of this, my dear, when you have reached France, where you will find...

And the way you lost your temper!” went on Wallis enthusiastically. “Oh, Mr. Allan, it was beautiful! You haven’t been more than to say snarly since the accident! It was so like the way you...

I was practically The Boy in the Bubble; all my autoimmune responses stripped bare by chemical representations of pine forests and summer meadows.

Back in my day, which was about a week and a half ago, we took our lumps and we got back up and we cried like babies and quit and then put on weight.

Manners come down to a single principle, talk of nothing that might actually prove interesting.

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren’t much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Comedy is hard work. People expect you to be funny 24/7. So if you’re not constantly cracking up your friends, it can hurt you professionally. They may not read your book or come to your...

Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I’m quoting, ‘the pagans,’ which is...

If Beyoncé Knowles and Miley Cyrus represent the latest branch of feminism, then surely the male-dominated power elite must be aroused with concern.

I shot him a look. “That bouncer was really big.”His lips quirked. “Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.””What?”The grin spread. “I would say size doesn’t matter but it does. I would...

Bear with me G-Harrison because this is going to be a long speech. I’ve always had this feeling that the world is not enough and I won’t be happy in life unless I hold hands...

One thing you’ll learn when you’re in the business of selling utter shite to the Great British Public is that there’s really no bottom to where they’ll go. Shit food, shit TV, shit bands, shit...

If we really exist merely to fulfill God’s plan: then life is a television drama; with God being the scriptwriter, the director, and, the audience.

You’re small enough to fit in my pocket.

Focus. She’s Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane’s butt like that? ~ Zach

I had this terrible nightmare; I dreamt I was a politician and they were dragging me off to parliament

Sorry, no. I refuse to join an army which practices human sacrifice and has no adequate pension plan.

Enjolras caught glimpses of a luminous uprising under the dark skirts of the future.

I think cynicism often disguises itself as humour.

I had walked all over the fragile bloom of his heart like a Boadicea in Blahniks

Even Dionysus’s welcome-home speech wasn’t enough to dampen my spirits. “Yes, yes, so the little brat didn’t get himself killed and now he’ll have an even bigger head. Well, huzzah for that. In other announcements,...

Grover and Nico came back from their walk, and Grover helped me fix up my wounded arm.”It’s green!” Nico said with delight.

The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol so I recommend that young people take more drugs.

The Macedonian Endeavour Channel was screening live coverage of the world series of the Who’s Got the Stupidest Name (WGSN) competition. First prize had already gone to Brian Burdock, a French Algerian with a penchant...

He likes the real slutty ones. Ow!” he yelled when he received a whop to the back of the head.

I crawled back to bed, knowing I was done for. Hours later, the phone in our room started ringing. It was George. He was not happy.”Room 312. Now!” he shouted.Bouldy got up. I tried to...

The shock of photographed atrocities wears off with repeated viewings, just as the surprise and bemusement felt the first time one sees a pornographic movie wear off after one sees a few more.

More of your conversation would infect my brain.

I just think the world ought to be more sort of organized.”That’s just fantasy,’ said Twoflower.’I know. That’s the trouble.’ Rincewind sighed again.

Yeah. Isn’t it great?

One of these days, I would doubt the Gardeners a little too much and Zach was going to play handball with my head.

No,” I agreed. “The zombie apocalypse is still a few years off, right?” “That’s up to you to decide. Tell you what, we’ll do it for fun someday when you’re really bored.

Without discussing it with his mother, Anton went up to his teacher, Miss Katballe, and informed her that after seven years he was now quitting school. It was the best day of her life, she...

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I’m going to kill the guy.

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.

You know what they say, Two pairs a company, cheese a croud

I think this goat must have been fed on old boots,’ Stubble complained as he chewed the last scraps of flesh from the bones littering his stew.

Shame comes in different doses.