I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

I really need 5 hours of Facebook to balance out my 5 minutes of studying.

A text pops up on the screen. It’s from Luis. I can’t help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out message.Luis: Hey

He turned around, suddenly concerned. “Are you pregnant? Are you gay? I’d rather you were gay than pregnant. Unless you’re pregnant. Then we’ll deal. Whatever it is, we’ll deal. Are you pregnant?

I’ve never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn’t it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you’re here?

While an author is yet living we estimate his powers by his worst performance, and when he is dead we rate them by his best.

Meg’s face clouded, and I wondered if she was going to rain the way people do sometimes.

Winner is Not Winner Until Someone Lose.

A Christian telling an atheist they’re going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they’re not getting any presents from Santa.

The theory of attachment is same for humans and computers. Unknown sender’s attachment is blocked..Known sender’s attachment is accepted or ignored..Heavy attachments are annoying..Too heavy attachments do not reach..No attachment is the best option!

Don’t mind Russ,” he says. “He’s a good kid underneath all those holes, although it’s a wonder he doesn’t spring a leak when he drinks

The devil was always in the detail. And here the detail was certainly devilish.

The course of true love never die run smooth

Oh, don’t be absurd, man.’ The Prime Minister sat back in his chair. ‘Come on. We can’t just ban a thing because we can’t control it.’The minister responsible for health and safety looked startled. ‘I...

Every discussion with a girl is an argument, and when you think you are right suddenly you realize that your trapped.

We need to reclaim the word ‘feminism’. We need the word ‘feminism’ back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29% of American women would describe themselves as feminist – and only 42%...

The worst mistake a writer can make is to assume everyone has an imagination.

I would say that it is too late for that, my lord,” a feminine voice answered from the group gathered in the courtyard. They all turned to find the queen dressed in chain mail and...

Never say no to now

If you find yourself cutting corners, go in a circle instead

Isabelle: Do you want some soup?Jace: NoIsabelle: Do you think Hodge will want some soup?Jace: No one wants soupSimon: I want some soup!Jace: No, you don’t. You just want to sleep with Isabelle

Could I speak to you for a moment, madam?’ said Nannie to Agnes.It was at moments of crisis like this that Mary chiefly envied her Aunt Agnes’s imperturbable disposition. Most mothers feel a hideous sinking...

You are a more powerful person than you might have ever imagined.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

You’re a fat cunt and you can’t add up to save your life.” Dimitri Pissec.

Hey, Geekoid!” yelled Duncan Dougal, “Why do you read so much? Don’t you know how to watch TV?

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter…with alliteration, no less!

When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.

Nefarious purposes translation: For disgusting demon sex and the birth of the Devil incarnate. Nice.

Okay, this is the wisdom. First, time spent on reconnaissanse is never wasted. Second, almost anything can be improved with the addition of bacon. And finally, there is no problem on Earth that can’t be...

Can I brush your hair?” she asked as she led the way, her disposition doing a 180 on a dime. Kids. Can’t live with ’em. Can’t eat ’em for lunch.

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we’ve found ways to amuse ourselves.” “Really?” Valkyrie asked. “Like what?”Plight’s smile faded. “Like human sacrifice.”He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie...

If you feel that you can solve others problems, then please, work little more on your own problems and solve them first.

If you want the extra-ordinary, you’ve got to be willing to forsake the ordinary’ – Annie Grimes in Mr Alhourani’s Dead Man’s Spots

…and – holy shit was this song bad. It was like the singer was stabbing my ear with a dagger made of dried turds.

Our Euripides the human,With his droppings of warm tears,and his touchings of things common Till they rose to meet the spheres.

And you’re never too immortal for a spanking,” he shot back…

I don’t know about you, but I just can’t rule out finding the love of my life simply because he’s twenty four years older than me. I’m only sorry you had to wait so long...

The Tausennigan Ob’enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?””Yes, they do, and they’d cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!””I guess that explains their rich military history, then.

Don’t do it! Stay away from your potential. You’ll mess it up, it’s potential, leave it. Anyway, it’s like your bank balance – you always have a lot less than you think.

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

He bared thick teeth. ‘I am Zacchariah. My price will be right. You show me now?’In that moment, ten generations of horse-traders counted for more than half a lifetime in the legions. I was my...

Sir Bedevere: “Tell me, what do you do with witches?” Crowd: “Burn, burn them up!” Sir Bedevere: “And what do you burn apart from witches?” Villager: “More witches!

marathon: (noun)A popular form of overpriced torture wherein participants wake up at ass-o-clock in the morning and stand in the freezing cold until it’s time to run, at which point they miserably trot for a...

…I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.’What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.’Employers sense in me a denial of their values.’ He rolled over onto his back....

Was it my fault that I got out of hand?–Loki

I’ve never been able to grow an organ back,” Lana said. “Last time I tried… Let’s just hope you don’t end up with whip eyes.

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

Don’t lose today by worrying about tomorrow!!!

[On writing Jeeves and Wooster stories]:You tell yourself that you can take Jeeves stories or leave them alone, that one more can’t possibly hurt you, because you know you can pull up whenever you feel...